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Fictional News Delivered with More Tact than #Doofusbomb

RedSoxFaithful

RedSoxFaithful

a vicar in a tutu
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Dr. Doofus: Have I ever told you that I was bullied as a child? Yeah, every day in middle school, these other kids would tell me I was never going to be anything, shove me in lockers for talking about how much I loved science, asking me why I even bothered. That sort of thing could really take a toll on a kid, you know. Years of being told you don't know what you're doing, or why you're doing it. Some lesser men would never recover from that. Those lesser men wouldn't have wound up with double Ivy League degrees, or started their own practices, at twenty-three years old, no less. Those lesser men surely wouldn't be standing in front of you right now, informing you of your rectal cancer.
 
This will end well....But does explain a lot.
 
You think you're so great just because you destroyed the Death Star? You think we can't build a good battle station. I got news for you, we blew up Alderaan, and that was with me only being there part time. I have Grad School, and Palpatine has an entire EMPIRE to run. You think that's easy? It's not.

Oh and by the way...I'm your dad.
 
hardball.jpg


You think I'm not a good coach? I'm out here PART-TIME for $500 a week coaching my ass off with these bad ass kids. They suck, they are terrible. It's not my fault that I have gambling debts to pay off. I'm doing my best out here.

oh, and BY THE WAY...G-Baby dies.
 
Do you know how freaking hard it is being a kid that constantly sees people that are dead? Do you know what it's like to have the responsibility for helping people in the afterlife figure out why they can't rest in peace? Do you have any idea what that's like? I don't think you do.

Oh by the way. . . You're dead.
 
Deacfreak07 said:
hardball.jpg


You think I'm not a good coach? I'm out here PART-TIME for $500 a week coaching my ass off with these bad ass kids. They suck, they are terrible. It's not my fault that I have gambling debts to pay off. I'm doing my best out here.

oh, and BY THE WAY...G-Baby dies.
Click to expand...

Perfect summary
 
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You don't like our leadership? It is incredibly difficult to run a planet without opposable thumbs and these haircuts. We are doing the best we can with this shitty planet we were given.

Oh, by the way, you're really on Earth and you are the last human alive.
 
kid: mom said fido is living with her old college roommate on their farm. she said there are lots of dogs to play with and open space to roam. just not enough parks in the city for him." :)

dad: fido's dead son. hit by a car. he laid alone for a few hours before i found him. looked pretty painful too.

kid: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh

dad: you're mom's the easter bunny.
 
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