Levi Johnston

The worst part of McCain/Palin losing the election is that we missed out on Say Hey Deac's internet gold, the Levi Johnston decision threads. Internet gold....internet gold.

Just for you, Magnolia, I dig these out of the archives from September 2008:

Moment of silence please....

....for the death of this guy's good times. He is the real victim in the whole VPpregnantdaughtergate.

Levi Johnston



To put it in perspective, a few months ago this dude was accepting high fives from his buddies for plugging the governor's party girl daughter raw dog style and planning his awesome post-graduation week-long camping trip with a couple of his hockey teammates where they were totally going to hunt by day, get hammered by night, and develop their plans of opening a new bait and tackle shop down by the river and starting up a semi-pro hockey team that would compete against those buttholes from Shelbyville High. Now he's dealing with potential fatherhood, being informed by Tripper, the weird old dude who likes to listen to talk radio while he's working on his Trans-Am out in his driveway, that he's apparently getting married (!), and that he's not going to be getting any strange butt for at least a couple of years until his mother-in-law's PR team tells him it's safe to get the divorce, even from that chick down at the electric-coop office who has been totally sweating his junk for months. Summer and Fall 2008 fully suck for this guy.

QUESTION 1:

You're Levi Johnston.



You have basically 3 goals in life at this point: (1) play hockey with your buddies; (2) nail hot chicks; and (3) party your nuts off. You've just found out that you knocked up the hot daughter of the governor, who has now been nominated for VP. One of the governor's d-bag campaign guys just informed you that you have to marry the chick. Not cool. So, the big question:

Who do you vote for in November?

McCain/Palin: If you vote for McCain/Palin and they win, you're stuck actually having to marry the chick, which would suck big time. That means not only do you have to live with her (i.e., can't fulfill dream of getting bitchin' bachelor pad with hockey buddies Logan and Noah and buying babe-magnet hot tub financed by awesome $5/cup post-graduation keg party you've been planning for 2 whole years), but you're going to have to live with the entire family of in-laws, including the 2 annoying younger daughters who are always trying to get you to color with them and the infant who ain't quite right. Also, you have to move out of Alaska and away from all your dude friends, as well as all the chicks that totally want to bang you now that you're a minor celebrity. Plus, you don't even think they play hockey in DC. On the other hand, the Vice President's family probably gets a pretty sweet mansion and you think you remember seeing some movie where the family of the VP has a personal chef on call 24/7, which would be pretty tight.

Obama/Biden: If you vote for Obama/Biden and they win, you don't have to get married at all. No more campaign team telling you what to do, making you take down your MySpace page, telling you that you have to change the voicemail greeting on your cell phone, which is currently you doing a really cool Scarface impersonation -- "At the beep, say hello to my little friend!" You don't have to move out of Alaska. You don't even have to live with the chick, although you are probably going to have to start giving her some money for the kid, which means you are going to have to pick up a few extra hours down at the docks. You don't get to live in a mansion or have a personal chef, although you can move in with Logan and Noah, who make an awesome breakfast burrito. Also, you get to keep your subscription to Penthouse Magazine.

Based on this analysis, I think he votes Obama/Biden. Thoughts?

QUESTION 2:

You're an agent with the United States Secret Service. McCain/Palin have just won the presidency and my man Levi is now living the good life in the VP mansion.




Do you volunteer to be assigned to Levi detail?

Hell yes, I want that assignment: Levi just spent 17 years in BFE, Alaska drinking with the same 12 people all the time. His high school class had, like, 36 students for chrissakes. Consequently, when this guy moves to DC, he is going to be partying serious. Therefore, you're looking at some pretty cool nights hanging out with Levi in Georgetown or Adams Morgan. Because Levi is going to be a dad at that point and his in-laws are big time fundamentalists who probably don't even believe in dinosaurs since it's not mentioned in Genesis, he's going to need to keep this partying on the down low, which means he'll probably be throwing hot co-ed chicks your way in order to keep you quiet. That sounds a lot more crunk than reading Grover's "The Monster at the End of This Book" to Sasha Obama every night and sitting quietly in her bedroom so that she can fall asleep without worrying about a boogeyman attack. You never know...hell, maybe one day you'll write a screenplay about the whole experience.

No thanks, no interested: Sure, Levi is going to be tossing young, hot tail your way, which would be nice. However, Levi has said it himself -- if you mess with him, he'll kick ass. That means you're going to have to be on your toes at all times, because on any given night out the odds of him getting tore up and starting some s**t with some random frat guy from George Washington U is at least 50/50. I mean, can you imagine Levi's response the first time he's hanging out at a club in Georgetown and some preppy d-bag college boy homo wearing a pastel yellow polo shirt and khakis accidentally bumps into him while standing in line at the bar? Of course you can -- Levi's going apeshit on that pretty boy, son! It's going to be your job to break up those fights, which is going to be tough when Levi's taking his t-shirt off and getting ready to throw down in the middle of a public sidewalk every single time a bouncer looks at him funny for trying to wear his lucky ripped jeans into the bar. It's just not worth the hassle.

As for me, I'd probably take Levi detail, but then see if I could get a partner to help me out, with the assumption that Levi will probably be able to get chicks for both of us, and it will be easier to break up a full-on Levi-instigated bar brawl with 2 of us rather than me alone.

Comedy plutonium. Bravo say hey, bravo

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slow clap

Best thread of 2008.

awesome

BTTT - This and the whole Garnet Girl thread from years back are the two funniest things i ever saw on the old boards. And with this post i have offically switched over...

Welcome!

I can't touch Say Hey's comedy gold, but I feel the need to contribute so I will pretend I had something to do with Ben Folds being awesome and add this to the thread