Say Hey Deac
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If all 15 ACC coaches were to be locked in a steel cage and ordered to fight to the death until only 1 remained, how would you rank the likelihood of success?
Here is my ranking in REVERSE order (i.e., first to die --> steel cage death match winner)
Coach K - Would be immediately killed due to inferior spine and the fact that all the other 14 coaches would cooperate initially to murder him first. Wildcard is the fact that K may be protected by the dark magik of Satan, but at the end of the day I strongly suspect his demise would mirror the final scene in Death Proof.
Rick Pitino - In his prime, may have had a chance as a scrappy Italian fighter, but today appears to weigh like 130 pounds. Seriously, Rick, maybe toss a chicken parm atop your penne or whatever, mix in some protein. The bell would ring, K would be stomped to death, then Buzz Williams would charge Pitino with a head of steam and Pitino would be crushed instantly, like a white rhino rampaging over Zazu the Bird from the Lion King. Roadkill.
Pitino/Zazu:
Buzz/Rhinoceros:
Aftermath:
Jim Boeheim - Old and skinny, wears glasses like a nerd. Could see Gottfried going straight for Boeheim, plucking off Jimmy's glasses whilst calling him a f*g, then while Boeheim is stumbling around looking for his specs, Gott laughs and kicks him in the stomach, leading to a lethal spleen rupture. I'm picturing a Roy Stalin/Lane Meyer dynamic. On the other hand, Boeheim seems to have a bit of nerd rage and Lane Meyer did ultimately take down Stalin in the K12, on one ski no less. But still, this ain't Hollywood. Boeheim gonna get got.
Jim Larranaga - Old as hell, but has the look of one of those proud, old, no-nonsense Marine types who can still bang out like 300 push-ups and run 6 miles, so should outlast K, Pitino and Boeheim. Still though, he's elderly and that's going to be a problem for Jimbo against some stiff competition.
Roy Williams - In shape for a soon-to-be-retiree, but Roy is far too soft to survive long in the steel cage. As soon as his mind wanders to the country club golf course, boom, Mike Brey punches him the throat. Best chance is to try to leverage the Kansas thing with Danny Manning, remind Danny how Roy wore that Jayhawk sticker that time at the Final 4, and try to hide behind him for a while. If this competition was "tannest ACC coach," Roy would have that one in the bag.
Kevin Stallings - Not impressed by his dad bod physicality, but holy hell this guy seems pissed all the time. That rage will be helpful for Stallings -- you need the ganas de to survive -- but the cream tends to rise to the top in a steel cage death match and doubt Stallings has the endurance to make it long.
Josh Pastner - Pros: youngest participant; physically fit. Cons: looks like a douche; was this guy a walk-on at Duke in the late 90s? May be able to run around for a while to evade opponents, maybe try to climb to the top of the cage to hide, but ultimately I think Leonard Hamilton is going to enjoy grabbing young Pastner by the hair and beating his damn ass. Plus, as someone else here pointed out, Pastner looks like the President of a college young Republican student group.
Brad Brownell - Possible sleeper since he is the boringest coach for the boringest program in ACC basketball. Could Brownell use that relative anonymity to his advantage, counting on the other coaches to prioritize trophy kills like K and Roy while he hangs back? I really have no idea, because I don't know anything about him. He did get real mad at Roy that time though and from this pic looks like he was ready to maybe go dark side of chimps on Ol' Roy:
Mark Gottfried - Okay, now we're getting into the bona fide contenders. Gott is a bigger dude and carries himself with that Alpha intensity. Per the above, I could see him targeting weaker opponents like Pitino and Boeheim and bullying them a bit. But, could one of the nerds surprisingly rise up and pull a "hey you, get your damn hands off of her?" and slug the macho Gott in the face? Also, this dude got fired like 2 weeks ago and isn't even really a coach anymore. He's not going to want to do the steel cage and may not be contractually obligated to participate.
Mike Brey - I really have no opinion of his fighting style or really Mike Brey in general. How many goddamn teams are in the ACC, anyway? This was way easier to write when there were 9. Anyway, this dude is built pretty solidily and I don't hate him and look at the impressive chest salad on this guy. A man as hairy as this should be able to do well in the steel cage.
Tony Bennett - Wife has a crush on this guy and, to be honest, so do I a little bit. Definitely the most handsome coach in the league. Also tall and strong, and true story I once worked out next to him at the gym when UVA was playing the NCAA Tournament here and said hi to him and he was nice and, okay, calm down. Breathe. I'm calm now. Anyway, I think Bennett would do well, probably really well, but in the end his ridiculous good lookingness may be his downfall because I'll bet an ugly guy like that toad Kevin Stallings would LOVE to put a dent of Bennett's beautiful face or knock out a few teeth. That would be a tragedy. Jesus H, this is one dreamy bastard.
Danny Manning - Danny is the most difficult coach to handicap because he is the biggest and most physically gifted, but he also has some serious miles on that body. No doubt his balky knees would make an enticing target for a Buzz Williams or Jim Christian. If they get low, Danny could be in trouble. On the other hand, if he can use his size and superior reach to keep opponents away, Danny could box away and really kick some ass. Also, Danny obviously has a quiet coolness where he would totally be the guy who knocks out Gottfried with a single hard slap to the ear, then doesn't smile or emote or anything, but rather just moves on to the next target like a pro. Survive and advance. He did it in '88. Can he do it again in '17?
Jim Christian and Buzz Williams - Putting these guys together because they resemble a couple of bull elephants and for that reason alone would likely inflict some major damage in an enclosed space like the steel cage. You also know Buzz and Christian probably feel a little overlooked being at a football school and a school where they seem to have folded their Athletics program, respectively. If they're smart, what they do is team up and rampage through the rest of the competition. Whittle down the competition to just the two of them and then duel to the death. At that point, head to head, I'd probably give it to Buzz because Christ he seems like a total maniac.
Leonard Hamilton - Okay, I know some of you are going to be like, "whaaaat? Leonard Hamilton is old, no way he'd be the Steel Cage Death Match Champion !" Friends, I respectfully disagree. First, even though he's almost 70 years old, this guy is still built solid like a brick shithouse and looks basically the same now as he did 20 years ago. He looks like Bunny Colvin from The Wire, and that dude came up with Hamsterdam which was awesome. Second, he's kind of old school and probably knows how to box and old wrestling moves and probably also says stuff like "mano y mano" unironically. Third, I just really think he has the stare of a man who is very comfortable beating a motherfucker to death. I see him possibly teaming up with Danny Manning to take out early competition, then using his wisdom and guile to triumph over Buzz Williams, maybe pulling some kind of Mister Miyagi shit where he makes Buzz punch the steel cage a couple of times, then grabs Buzz and finishes him off by crushing his nose bone into his brain, thus becoming the Champ.
What do you guys think?
Here is my ranking in REVERSE order (i.e., first to die --> steel cage death match winner)
Coach K - Would be immediately killed due to inferior spine and the fact that all the other 14 coaches would cooperate initially to murder him first. Wildcard is the fact that K may be protected by the dark magik of Satan, but at the end of the day I strongly suspect his demise would mirror the final scene in Death Proof.
Rick Pitino - In his prime, may have had a chance as a scrappy Italian fighter, but today appears to weigh like 130 pounds. Seriously, Rick, maybe toss a chicken parm atop your penne or whatever, mix in some protein. The bell would ring, K would be stomped to death, then Buzz Williams would charge Pitino with a head of steam and Pitino would be crushed instantly, like a white rhino rampaging over Zazu the Bird from the Lion King. Roadkill.
Pitino/Zazu:
Buzz/Rhinoceros:
Aftermath:
Jim Boeheim - Old and skinny, wears glasses like a nerd. Could see Gottfried going straight for Boeheim, plucking off Jimmy's glasses whilst calling him a f*g, then while Boeheim is stumbling around looking for his specs, Gott laughs and kicks him in the stomach, leading to a lethal spleen rupture. I'm picturing a Roy Stalin/Lane Meyer dynamic. On the other hand, Boeheim seems to have a bit of nerd rage and Lane Meyer did ultimately take down Stalin in the K12, on one ski no less. But still, this ain't Hollywood. Boeheim gonna get got.
Jim Larranaga - Old as hell, but has the look of one of those proud, old, no-nonsense Marine types who can still bang out like 300 push-ups and run 6 miles, so should outlast K, Pitino and Boeheim. Still though, he's elderly and that's going to be a problem for Jimbo against some stiff competition.
Roy Williams - In shape for a soon-to-be-retiree, but Roy is far too soft to survive long in the steel cage. As soon as his mind wanders to the country club golf course, boom, Mike Brey punches him the throat. Best chance is to try to leverage the Kansas thing with Danny Manning, remind Danny how Roy wore that Jayhawk sticker that time at the Final 4, and try to hide behind him for a while. If this competition was "tannest ACC coach," Roy would have that one in the bag.
Kevin Stallings - Not impressed by his dad bod physicality, but holy hell this guy seems pissed all the time. That rage will be helpful for Stallings -- you need the ganas de to survive -- but the cream tends to rise to the top in a steel cage death match and doubt Stallings has the endurance to make it long.
Josh Pastner - Pros: youngest participant; physically fit. Cons: looks like a douche; was this guy a walk-on at Duke in the late 90s? May be able to run around for a while to evade opponents, maybe try to climb to the top of the cage to hide, but ultimately I think Leonard Hamilton is going to enjoy grabbing young Pastner by the hair and beating his damn ass. Plus, as someone else here pointed out, Pastner looks like the President of a college young Republican student group.
Brad Brownell - Possible sleeper since he is the boringest coach for the boringest program in ACC basketball. Could Brownell use that relative anonymity to his advantage, counting on the other coaches to prioritize trophy kills like K and Roy while he hangs back? I really have no idea, because I don't know anything about him. He did get real mad at Roy that time though and from this pic looks like he was ready to maybe go dark side of chimps on Ol' Roy:
Mark Gottfried - Okay, now we're getting into the bona fide contenders. Gott is a bigger dude and carries himself with that Alpha intensity. Per the above, I could see him targeting weaker opponents like Pitino and Boeheim and bullying them a bit. But, could one of the nerds surprisingly rise up and pull a "hey you, get your damn hands off of her?" and slug the macho Gott in the face? Also, this dude got fired like 2 weeks ago and isn't even really a coach anymore. He's not going to want to do the steel cage and may not be contractually obligated to participate.
Mike Brey - I really have no opinion of his fighting style or really Mike Brey in general. How many goddamn teams are in the ACC, anyway? This was way easier to write when there were 9. Anyway, this dude is built pretty solidily and I don't hate him and look at the impressive chest salad on this guy. A man as hairy as this should be able to do well in the steel cage.
Tony Bennett - Wife has a crush on this guy and, to be honest, so do I a little bit. Definitely the most handsome coach in the league. Also tall and strong, and true story I once worked out next to him at the gym when UVA was playing the NCAA Tournament here and said hi to him and he was nice and, okay, calm down. Breathe. I'm calm now. Anyway, I think Bennett would do well, probably really well, but in the end his ridiculous good lookingness may be his downfall because I'll bet an ugly guy like that toad Kevin Stallings would LOVE to put a dent of Bennett's beautiful face or knock out a few teeth. That would be a tragedy. Jesus H, this is one dreamy bastard.
Danny Manning - Danny is the most difficult coach to handicap because he is the biggest and most physically gifted, but he also has some serious miles on that body. No doubt his balky knees would make an enticing target for a Buzz Williams or Jim Christian. If they get low, Danny could be in trouble. On the other hand, if he can use his size and superior reach to keep opponents away, Danny could box away and really kick some ass. Also, Danny obviously has a quiet coolness where he would totally be the guy who knocks out Gottfried with a single hard slap to the ear, then doesn't smile or emote or anything, but rather just moves on to the next target like a pro. Survive and advance. He did it in '88. Can he do it again in '17?
Jim Christian and Buzz Williams - Putting these guys together because they resemble a couple of bull elephants and for that reason alone would likely inflict some major damage in an enclosed space like the steel cage. You also know Buzz and Christian probably feel a little overlooked being at a football school and a school where they seem to have folded their Athletics program, respectively. If they're smart, what they do is team up and rampage through the rest of the competition. Whittle down the competition to just the two of them and then duel to the death. At that point, head to head, I'd probably give it to Buzz because Christ he seems like a total maniac.
Leonard Hamilton - Okay, I know some of you are going to be like, "whaaaat? Leonard Hamilton is old, no way he'd be the Steel Cage Death Match Champion !" Friends, I respectfully disagree. First, even though he's almost 70 years old, this guy is still built solid like a brick shithouse and looks basically the same now as he did 20 years ago. He looks like Bunny Colvin from The Wire, and that dude came up with Hamsterdam which was awesome. Second, he's kind of old school and probably knows how to box and old wrestling moves and probably also says stuff like "mano y mano" unironically. Third, I just really think he has the stare of a man who is very comfortable beating a motherfucker to death. I see him possibly teaming up with Danny Manning to take out early competition, then using his wisdom and guile to triumph over Buzz Williams, maybe pulling some kind of Mister Miyagi shit where he makes Buzz punch the steel cage a couple of times, then grabs Buzz and finishes him off by crushing his nose bone into his brain, thus becoming the Champ.
What do you guys think?
