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The Separation/Divorce Thread

Also, there are some realities that you need to be aware of that will likely happen down the road. There is a 99% chance that you will waffle between regret and acceptance for a long time. I would gladly talk to you about what that is like and what you might expect through PM or something if you would like.
 
No advice but best of luck moving forward Brasky. I've always enjoyed the times we've hung out at soccer games around the world. Hope we can see each other at a match soon. Did you happen to get Azteca tickets?
 
mikedrum4prez said:
Physical - Either go for a run or go the gym every day or basically every day. No excuses that you aren't feeling up to it. Get some endorphins going & it well help you feel better. Maybe you also have a sport that you want to dive back into as well.

Mental - Good for you for going to a counselor. You are already way ahead of most for doing that and being able to admit that openly. One recommendation I would have is scheduling out time to chat on the phone with friends. That helped me alot with depression stuff during Covid and I was able to connect with some people that I don't see that often yet really care about. You don't have to talk about your personal stuff either, could be about anything. Also, have one thing per week (ish) that is a "going out" activity to look forward to. Could be going out for the Everton game, could be a concert, could be something else. I'm always happier when I have something to look forward to.

Personal opinion of mine since it was brought up on here earlier - stay away from the dating app stuff until you are in a better mental place. I think going down that road might just make you feel worse and/or complicate your current situation. Focus should be 100% on you right now.

Haven't been through divorce, just posting some thoughts/stuff that has helped me with mental health struggles in the past.
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Yes let's improve BB's mental state by telling him to
*checks notes*
Go watch an Everton game.

All kidding aside, our boards community is the best.
 
CreamyGoodness said:
I'm not one to offer up advice, but since you asked.

1- stay away from dating apps until you're in a good head space and the divorce is finalized.
2- make your focus spending as much time with your son as you possibly can.
3- join a gym if you haven't already. Do workout classes and cardio. Hell, you could meet someone in one of those classes...if you're picking up what I'm putting down. and it isn't creepy like a dating app. Nothing wrong with those apps, but you probably aren't ready for randos yet.
4- Find out if your wife wants to keep open lines of communication. If she does, let her know you're there to talk with her as you guys separate, unless that makes thinggs worse for you, or you both agree ripping the band aid off is best solution.
5- Don't drink until you're in a better head space, at least not in excess.
6- pick up a new hobby. like guitar or something.

Good luck to you. Strong vibes your way.
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DeacDiggler said:
Sorry dude. It sucks.

1. You probably will lose some friends in the process. They will take sides whether you want them to or not, so if you have friends that are important to you, you need to stay close to them now and don't let someone else control the narrative. Hopefully she's cooler than that, but you never know.
2. Stay plugged in with your son. Don't let her do the doctor appointments, teacher conferences, etc. without you. It's easy to delegate this out if you're busy, but don't.
3. Agree never to badmouth each other with him. Draw a firm line with significant others.
4. Find a good attorney and be straight with each other on that. There are hard decisions to be made about who will pay for what, and you need help to document that.
5. Don't air your grievances, if any, in public, and def not here.

Good luck - you'll come out of it good, but the first few months will suck. Stay positive about the fact that you're choosing a direction for your life and not letting BIG MARRIAGE force you to stay somewhere that neither of you is happy.
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Both of these are the answers. I have not been through divorce, but have been through both mental health stuff and an engagement that fell through 6 weeks before wedding with a kid involved. I echo that I am glad you already have a counselor and agree with those who said dail in with a few close friends

Sorry Brasky, that really really sucks
 
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Sorry to hear, much good advice here. Went through same scenario 30 years ago and life sucked for about a year, all friends went with wife which left loneliness to also deal with, agree stay off apps and trying to meet someone until divorce final, spend time with child, they are going through some trauma also, often blaming themselves for what happened. It takes time but ultimately stumbled into the most wonderful gal who has stuck with me through thick and thin and now 25 years of blissful marriage and togetherness, you will land on your feet eventually.
 
Brasky, I am really sorry to hear about this, but simultaneously from my perspective, divorce is ultimately a good thing for all parties. I went through a divorce ~12 years ago, and I'll offer a bit of advice:

1) Divorces, no matter how amicable they seem at first, can always turn nasty quickly, so be wary, and Biff's advice is probably pretty good, be careful what you post on line, anywhere;

2) Do your best to focus on you child and what is best for him through the legal process is going to help you avoid fights over ultimately silly things;

3) You are already way ahead of the game in being proactive about your physical and mental health, kudos. This is a good time for some introspection and figuring out what you need in life and out of relationships.

4) I'd avoid dating apps for now, until you're certain there won't be any legal issues, but also until you're emotionally ready. I tried dating apps immediately (literally weeks after my ex moved out) and went on a couple dates and it was really awful for everyone. Then came back to the apps 10 months later and met my new wife soon thereafter.

Feel feel to reach out. I am happy to converse more.
 
I’m sorry to hear this. I have not been through this but went through a rough life period right after law school when my offer was rescinded and I couldn’t find a decent job. Our neighbor does family law, and my advice is this.

1. Get a lawyer involved early and encourage her to do the same. Regardless of how amicable things are now, everybody needs to protect their respective interests. Having lawyers early makes sure you don’t inadvertently run afoul of something or waive some right. Communication can also go through lawyers to keep things amicable. My recollection is that your wife may be a lawyer so I’m sure she is already tho king about this.

2. Until the divorce is final treat your social life as if you are still married. All sorts of evidence can be used in alimony and custody hearings. This extends to boozing.

3. The lowest point of my life I found that exercise and diet were the best things for me. Otherwise I’d be sitting at home doing nothing. I would split my workouts into two parts, do one in the morning, leave my clothes in the locker, and come back in finish that night. Early morning workouts kept me going to bed early and Afternoon ones let me work out the frustrations of the day. I’d stop by the store each night on the way home and pick up whatever I was making for dinner. Gave me less time to sit around and be miserable.
 
There has been some great advice on here and I don't have any great wisdom to offer - other than to emphasize what others have said about focusing on your relationship with your child. I can't tell you how sad it makes me to see many fathers lose the close relationship they had with their kids after divorce - and most of the time it is their own fault through lack of focus. It takes effort to make it a priority.

I do want to say that I feel like I have lived a lifetime whirlwind with Brasky on here. It seems like yesterday that he was in TX selling grill accessories or something and falling in love with a different girl every weekend. Then he decided to become a teacher, then he got engaged, then he moved back to NC, then he got married, then he had a kid, etc. etc. etc... now he's getting divorced. Good grief - I know I am old but it seems like time has just flown by...

edit - I should have said that I am sorry to hear this news... The death of a relationship is always sad but it can definitely be for the best for all involved and can simply be the first step toward much happier times! Good luck!
 
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Thanks everyone for your feedback, I’m honestly overwhelmed but the support and advice I’ve received in a few hours. I really appreciate it.

To answer a few questions we actually already got a mediator and signed a separation agreement last week dividing assets equally and a visitation plan we’ve using for a month now. Alimony, child support, etc included. It’s a fair agreement and neither one of us wants to screw the other over. So I’ll be fine financially, and my goal is to have a permanent house or condo purchased by the end of the year. Our son is only one, so he’s luckily not too aware or upset about what’s going on, but I definitely want to have a home that he regularly visits and eventually stays at when he’s older. Right now I just go over to his mom’s house and that’s fine with both of us.

Also I started a new job last month, which has definitely helped my mental health. It’s also given me something to throw myself into since it’s a recruiting job and part of my salary is commission based.

The one thing I need to do is stop drinking as much and start getting back into shape. I’m definitely not ready for dating yet, but want to look and feel a lot better when that day comes. Although it’s hard to come home at 8 pm during the week after work and visitation and want to do anything but lay on the couch and drink a beer.
 
BillBrasky said:
Thanks everyone for your feedback, I’m honestly overwhelmed but the support and advice I’ve received in a few hours. I really appreciate it.

To answer a few questions we actually already got a mediator and signed a separation agreement last week dividing assets equally and a visitation plan we’ve using for a month now. Alimony, child support, etc included. It’s a fair agreement and neither one of us wants to screw the other over. So I’ll be fine financially, and my goal is to have a permanent house or condo purchased by the end of the year. Our son is only one, so he’s luckily not too aware or upset about what’s going on, but I definitely want to have a home that he regularly visits and eventually stays at when he’s older. Right now I just go over to his mom’s house and that’s fine with both of us.

Also I started a new job last month, which has definitely helped my mental health. It’s also given me something to throw myself into since it’s a recruiting job and part of my salary is commission based.

The one thing I need to do is stop drinking as much and start getting back into shape. I’m definitely not ready for dating yet, but want to look and feel a lot better when that day comes. Although it’s hard to come home at 8 pm during the week after work and visitation and want to do anything but lay on the couch and drink a beer.
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Is it feasible for you to work out first thing in the morning before work? It has helped me to both feel a lot more energized during the day and also gets me to bed early to avoid the late night boozing. Routine is key at least in my experience. Also, all the love and vibes and prayers, and thanks to Scooter’s post you’ll be Hank Hill to me for perpetuity.
 
Grills and grill accessories.

Brasky, I really want your son's name to be Bobby...?!
 
mako1331 said:
Is it feasible for you to work out first thing in the morning before work? It has helped me to both feel a lot more energized during the day and also gets me to bed early to avoid the late night boozing. Routine is key at least in my experience. Also, all the love and vibes and prayers, and thanks to Scooter’s post you’ll be Hank Hill to me for perpetuity.
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Yeah that what I need to do, I don’t have to leave until 8 for work so it’s definitely feasible. I just haven’t been feeling motivated since I moved out. I thinking about balling out on a personal trainer or something we’re I’ll feel like an idiot if I don’t go, losing this Fatsky uncle bod needs to be a priority for many reasons.
 
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Brasky how has the transition been from teaching to the corporate world? Are you glad you got out?
 
iodeac said:
Brasky how has the transition been from teaching to the corporate world? Are you glad you got out?
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Yeah man I’m very happy with the change, it’s a very different lifestyle but I enjoy it. It’s nice to work 9-5:30 and then not take the job home if I don’t want to. Im also glad I work for a small start up instead of a big company. It’s a small office (we’re a new branch of a company which started in NYC but moved to Israel) so a great spot to be in right now. I sit beside the #2 of the company and just bounce ideas and questions of her all day. Learning a lot and already got my first placement, a month or two ahead of schedule.
 
Just now catching up on PMs and rep now that I'm home on my laptop, and I just want to say that this a great community. The words of advice and support that I just read were extremely kind and helpful. Thank's y'all, I really needed it.
 
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