The Separation/Divorce Thread

Im starting this thread to ask for advice and also to create a place where people in similar positions can talk and support each other.

My wife and I decided to separate on NYE. It’s been a fairly amicable split so far, and nobody is to blame. There was no infidelity or grievous behavior. The strain of COVID, new parenthood and the realization that we are two very different people who want to live life in a different way, led to our separation.

I have also had some mental health struggles for the last year, which didn’t help. The stress of a failing marriage, the bleakness of the COVID works, and a job I grew to hate was really getting to me. Im doing better now, have been taking medication and seeing a counselor for about six months.

We do have a young son and he is our priority, I moved into an apartment five mins away and see him 4-5 times week. We originally left the door open for reconciliation, but in the last week or two my wife has made it clear she’s ready to move on, and honestly I don’t really want to go back to our previous marriage dynamic either.

So as the finality of our separation begins to settle in, I am experiencing emotions of loneliness and sadness. I know long term that this is the right decision, but it’s pretty tough right now especially since almost all my friends around here are married.

So my first question to people who have experienced this is what should I be doing to improve my mental and physical health? How do I meet people in a similar position and how did you move on and start a new chapter of your life?

*Also I know many of you in real life, and several of you know my wife from HS. I want to stress that she’s not a bad person and I will always respect and care for her. I doubt any of you are going to talk to her anytime soon, but if you do for some reason I’d prefer you don’t mention this thread. Thanks*

I've never been through anything like that and I know you're looking for support and maybe some catharsis, but I think posting this on a message board that she knows about is a bad idea, however measured your posts are, and however amicable this split is at this time. Sorry if I sound insensitive.

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer.

Sorry you are going through it, Brasky. I don't have any good advice.


OTOH, this thread would have been amazing if we still had tags. For example askMoonzdoopposite.

I think posting about your feelings is fine and asking for support is important.

i don't have any advice but i know how hard COVID plus new baby has been. Sorry to hear about it.

man, really sorry, brasky

hope you can find/keep peace

I'm really sorry, Brasky. No advice, unfortunately

Brasky, reach out to me for anything man. Wife and I have had our share of issues over the last couple years. It'll get better.

am only a child of divorce so I can't offer the adult perspective

it would seem to me that talking directly about this with people you trust and actively seeking support from those who can empathize because they are actively going through the same thing would be important

i would assume there are support groups that can help you process but unfortunately I have none to recommend

BiffTannen said:

I think posting this on a message board that she knows about is a bad idea, however measured your posts are, and however amicable this split is at this time.

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my parent's split was awful and based off my experiences as a child I don't disagree with this tbh

My somewhat joking/somewhat serious advice is to download Bumble/Hinge and enjoy. I was notoriously bad with women, but even for me it was like fish in a barrel. Can consume your life a bit, though. And slaying hoodrats (or finding a new lady friend) may not be what you need right now, I guess.

Fuuuuuu Brasky really sorry to hear this, even if you are an Everton fan.

Are you still teaching or did you end up taking something outside the education field? Regardless, take care of yourself. Good for you for getting help through a counselor as well.

PM sent

Geez BB that sucks. Yes I've been there. Married for 24 years, the first 15-16 great with 3 wonderful kids and then the lights just went out. Toughest thing I ever did but I knew we had to do it if we wanted to live happily into the future. I was a total mess with kids, work, friends, etc. for quite sometime. Every experience is different but all I'll tell you is do your best to block out the noise, seek out a great therapist and see him/her regularly and be patience.
As bleak as it feels, time does indeed heal this wound. I've moved on with a new wonderful lady and future and today (it took some time) everybody gets along.
I wish you well.

Unfortunately for brasky he's stuck with ogboards in the divorce.

deaconson said:

Unfortunately for brasky he's stuck with ogboards in the divorce.

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must spread rep

Physical - Either go for a run or go the gym every day or basically every day. No excuses that you aren't feeling up to it. Get some endorphins going & it well help you feel better. Maybe you also have a sport that you want to dive back into as well.

Mental - Good for you for going to a counselor. You are already way ahead of most for doing that and being able to admit that openly. One recommendation I would have is scheduling out time to chat on the phone with friends. That helped me alot with depression stuff during Covid and I was able to connect with some people that I don't see that often yet really care about. You don't have to talk about your personal stuff either, could be about anything. Also, have one thing per week (ish) that is a "going out" activity to look forward to. Could be going out for the Everton game, could be a concert, could be something else. I'm always happier when I have something to look forward to.

Personal opinion of mine since it was brought up on here earlier - stay away from the dating app stuff until you are in a better mental place. I think going down that road might just make you feel worse and/or complicate your current situation. Focus should be 100% on you right now.

Haven't been through divorce, just posting some thoughts/stuff that has helped me with mental health struggles in the past.

I'm not one to offer up advice, but since you asked.

1- stay away from dating apps until you're in a good head space and the divorce is finalized.
2- make your focus spending as much time with your son as you possibly can.
3- join a gym if you haven't already. Do workout classes and cardio. Hell, you could meet someone in one of those classes...if you're picking up what I'm putting down. and it isn't creepy like a dating app. Nothing wrong with those apps, but you probably aren't ready for randos yet.
4- Find out if your wife wants to keep open lines of communication. If she does, let her know you're there to talk with her as you guys separate, unless that makes thinggs worse for you, or you both agree ripping the band aid off is best solution.
5- Don't drink until you're in a better head space, at least not in excess.
6- pick up a new hobby. like guitar or something.

Good luck to you. Strong vibes your way.

Shit, I've done it twice. What you need to know?

Get a lawyer as soon as you can afford one. Not to try and screw her out of anything, but now that the door to return has been closed, you need to protect yourself. No matter how amicable things are now, there will be times where it is hard to stay that way. She will have someone in her ear, new man, family member, girlfriends that push the issue.

Spend as much time as possible with the kid. The court system is brutal for men. If she doesn't fail a drug test while in the courtroom, prepare to get bent over with no lube. I really hope for your sake, she will be willing to agree to 50/50.

Sorry dude. It sucks.

1. You probably will lose some friends in the process. They will take sides whether you want them to or not, so if you have friends that are important to you, you need to stay close to them now and don't let someone else control the narrative. Hopefully she's cooler than that, but you never know.
2. Stay plugged in with your son. Don't let her do the doctor appointments, teacher conferences, etc. without you. It's easy to delegate this out if you're busy, but don't.
3. Agree never to badmouth each other with him. Draw a firm line with significant others.
4. Find a good attorney and be straight with each other on that. There are hard decisions to be made about who will pay for what, and you need help to document that.
5. Don't air your grievances, if any, in public, and def not here.

Good luck - you'll come out of it good, but the first few months will suck. Stay positive about the fact that you're choosing a direction for your life and not letting BIG MARRIAGE force you to stay somewhere that neither of you is happy.

CreamyGoodness said:

I'm not one to offer up advice, but since you asked.

1- stay away from dating apps until you're in a good head space and the divorce is finalized.
2- make your focus spending as much time with your son as you possibly can.
3- join a gym if you haven't already. Do workout classes and cardio. Hell, you could meet someone in one of those classes...if you're picking up what I'm putting down. and it isn't creepy like a dating app. Nothing wrong with those apps, but you probably aren't ready for randos yet.
4- Find out if your wife wants to keep open lines of communication. If she does, let her know you're there to talk with her as you guys separate, unless that makes thinggs worse for you, or you both agree ripping the band aid off is best solution.
5- Don't drink until you're in a better head space, at least not in excess.
6- pick up a new hobby. like guitar or something.

Good luck to you. Strong vibes your way.

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Mike is dead-on.