How Many Times Have You Been High?

I just googled "Nelly Furtado sellout" and it brings up this yahoo answers page, which contains some awesome shit:

"She's the latest hip-hop-ho, looking to cash in on the poor musical taste of today's youth, who seem to eat up this crap music like it's free candy."

"Nelly Furtado rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey doesn't she look a little like Courtney Cox from Friends in her video Promiscuous"

"Nelly Furtado is a beauty. I'm 100% glad she's got a "survivor" bone in her. Yeahhhhhhh!!! She's back and she is hotter than ever!!!!"

pretty sure sacapuntas is a dirty word man. I think it means sack of assholes or pussys or apparently pans. Could be wrong though.

No NO, man, it means pencil sharpener. I don't know Spanish for shit, but even I know that.

Dude, the Man versus Food guy looks like shit these days. Homeboy needs to mix in a salad.

No dude. Whoever told you that was a liar. Probably some teacher bitch that was all like go over there and use the saca puntas, which means in real life go over there and I wish you would flick my bean you dirty little bag of assholes and pans

The instructions in my Scrabble game have this little section, "If you can master these 2-letter words, they can improve your score!"

Motherfucker then lists MM as a word. Also, HM, OE, and SH. What the fuck, Scrabble instructions? Those aren't words. I'm playing scrabble and a ninja drops an "OE" on the board, I'm all like, "what ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak English in what?" Then I'd stick my gat in that mofos mouth and pull the trigger 'til it goes click.

TEAMRJ#

I am simultaneously playing scrabble with the Mrs, listening to music, posting on this message board, and watching a baseball game. Also, there is a baby crying. PROGRESS. The dawn of a new era.

You know what movie was kind of underrated? 2010. The sequel to 2001. Actually, when I think about it, I don't remember a goddamn thing about that movie except that Roy Schneider and Jupiter were in it.

This is how I rank the planets from best to worst:

(1) Neptune
(2) Uranus
(3) Venus
(4) Mercury
(5) Saturn
(6) Jupiter
(7) Mars
(8) Earth
(9) Pluto

Except that Pluto isn't a planet anymore, is it? Man, that's the kind of shit my kid is going to know and I'm all gonna be like, "no, dude, it was totally a planet when I was a kid." Now it's like a 2nd-tier planet or something. Not a legit planet. That shit happened and I don't really feel like I was consulted. Who made that decision? It was like scientists made that decision for the WORLD. How does that work? If I go to Indo-China, do they still consider Pluto a real planet? Do they know about planets in Indonesia and Krakatoa? They're probably too busy worrying about sea snakes. Sea snakes. Scourge of the seas. They kill you twice: once with the venom, once by drowning you. Dangerous beasts those sea snakes. Here's how I rank snakes:

(1) Sea Snake
(2) Gaboon Viber
(3) Brown Snake
(4) Normal Viper
(5) Spitting Cobra
(6) Coral Snake
(7) Flying Snake
(8) Sidewinder rattle snake
(9) Anacondo
(10) Green mamba

I feel like the green mamba is way overshadowed by the black mamba. There is a green mamba right? I'm pretty sure there is. If I go look that up right now, it will be cheating. So I'm just going to assume there is and that I'm not making that up. If there is no green mamba, I'd go with a Fer De Lance.

I need to use the word "hombre" more in my daily speech.

DWARF LIFE AND DWARF FIST ALL UP IN YOUR DOJO

CONFIRMED. There is a green mamba. And that shit is potent. You do not want to be walking in a jungle in Africa and have a green mamba land in your hair. LETHAL. Whoever that dude is on the chat thread who is in Africa worrying about his boss or whatever -- beware the green mamba. Danger.

Ha! Lol! I actually had a bet and serious debate with my wife and mom about whether there was such a thing as a black mamba. Snake not laker. I won. Noobs.

Shit man, I would be HONORED to receive a phone call from you and your mom and Bongs asking me about whether certain snakes exist. That would be amazing.

Scrabble takes a long time, but just dropped a 30-bomb by spelling "whirly." Double word score muthafucka.

It was hot. We were all banged up at the time. I related the story about you almost getting killed by that snake in australia and that how I knew a black mamba existed.

Even though your particular near death experience wasn't a mamba I don't think. But I learned of snakes then. I learned of snakes.

Remember that old school Aussie outback guy on the train whose dog had gotten bitten and killed by a brown snake? "Poor bugga." That's why brown snake is on my top 10 list of best snakes.

Best types of animals, generally:

(1) Mammals
(2) Reptiles
(3) Amphibians
(4) Birds
(5) Insects
(6) Fungus
(7) Viruses
(8) Bacteria

Mrs. Say Hey Deac just got all excited 'cause she thought she dropped a 30-point word, only she spelled it "Lazer" instead of "Laser." I just gave her so much shit.

Apparently there are no cool points in scrabble because lazer is way cooler than laser. Like, you do medical stuff with lasers but you fucking kill aliens with lazers. Also, you waayyyyy under rated birds. You should know better.

every time

We used to go to Harpers (that's the one downtown right?) quite a bit. I'd go with my girlfriend and our big black drug dealer and maybe some brave friends. It was the most obvious thing, a bunch of kids showing up in nice clothes along with an obvious drug dealer (he and I got really close through the years, like we'd go out for a drink and not mention drugs). Anyway, when I did coke one of four things would happen and I could never tell which. 1. I'd take a major dump, Harper's not a good place for that 2. I'd get intensely focused on something, to the point where I wanted no human interaction that would interfere with my obsession. 3. I'd get very quiet, isolate, while I'm usually a boisterous fellow 4. I'd be happy/outgoing/paranoid and obviously on drugs.

So anyway, there was this stripper at Harper's that was hideously ugly but would do this trick with her asshole where she'd expand and contract it at will! So it was like OoOoOo. This fascinated me when I was yakked up. So my gf goes to the bathroom to do coke and perhaps the drug dealer, fucking whore. While I stand for minutes just handing this girl cash and watching her asshole without saying a word. It's etched into my mind now. But we'd dutifully go back and the same thing would happen. After I'd given this girl like a month's rent she decided to open up to me about her abusive husband, how she was on the run, had warrants, etc. At that point I was in mode 3 and just didn't want to think of it. All of a sudden the beauty of that elastic asshole was lost and ruined. I don't remember exactly what I said but it was something to the effect of "you're only good for your magic asshole, whore." I got kicked out and banned for life. I was escorted out rather abruptly by the security guards. The lesson is be nice to strippers. Or don't do drugs. Either way.

Dude, fixin' to hit up a show, just flipped on TV and I found myself staring at the business end of some scene in "The House of Sand and Fog" when Ben Kingsley kills himself by duct-taping a plastic bag around his head. Harsh.

Ah, now Jennifer Connelly is on the screen. She just found Ben Kingsley's body. She is freaking out, dude. Just tore open the bag and started to give CPR on his lifeless corpse. Now she's crying. Woah, there's another dead chick in the bed too! Where did she come from?? I must have just missed that scene. That must be why Ben Kingsley killed himself. I was sorta wondering what happened. Now she just got in the fetal position between the two dead bodies.

Now there's a house with fog in front of it. Like a literal house.

Okay, that was the end.

OFF TO THE SHOW. DWARF DAD ROCK MOTHER BITCHES.

Friend just posted this quote on Facebook:

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” ― Marie Curie

Inspired by the quote, I wikipediaed "sea snakes." LOOK AT THIS SHIT:

"Huge aggregations of sea snakes have been reported. For example, in 1932 millions of Astrotia stokesii, a relative of Pelamis, were seen from a steamer in the Strait of Malacca, off the coast of Malaysia, and formed a line of snakes 3 m (9.8 ft) wide and 100 km (62 mi) long."

That quote is so bogus. I'm more scared than when I started. Plus, apparently there are some aggressive sea snakes. All along I've been under the impression they were gentle. FALSE.

FAT DWARVES KILL YOURSELVES AND TAKE THE GINGER BASTARDS WITH YOU.