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Adoption

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CHDeac

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A few months ago, we had a pretty interesting thread on adoption, both folks who were adopted and parents who adopted.

We have a 5 YO adopted daughter from Vietnam. We are as Swedish looking as you can get so she's pretty aware she's different. We also talk a lot about her being adopted and being from Vietnam. She generally gets it but she's 5 so she gets a little confused. We think she gets it then she talks about when she was in my wife's "tummy".

We aren't a family that dwells on the adoption and we don't define her experiences etc. as some adoptive families do. She's a well adjusted, sweet girl and she's been a piece of cake to raise. I certainly understand those that do, we just feel that the less we differentiate it from our biological son, the better it is for our family.

Im curious about other's experiences talking to their kids, etc if anyone cares to share.
 
Wait, are in Chapel Hill? Were you at that cocktail party on Franklin Street on Saturday night a couple of weeks ago.
 
CHDeac said:
A few months ago, we had a pretty interesting thread on adoption, both folks who were adopted and parents who adopted.

We have a 5 YO adopted daughter from Vietnam. We are as Swedish looking as you can get so she's pretty aware she's different. We also talk a lot about her being adopted and being from Vietnam. She generally gets it but she's 5 so she gets a little confused. We think she gets it then she talks about when she was in my wife's "tummy".

We aren't a family that dwells on the adoption and we don't define her experiences etc. as some adoptive families do. She's a well adjusted, sweet girl and she's been a piece of cake to raise. I certainly understand those that do, we just feel that the less we differentiate it from our biological son, the better it is for our family.

Im curious about other's experiences talking to their kids, etc if anyone cares to share.
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As an adopted child, your approach is exactly how I was raised. Granted, I'm Caucasian just like my parents so it's not an obvious situation.

I remember when I was 6, my parents got me a children's book that explained what adoption means and they'd read it with me and answer any questions that I had. They started telling me about my adoption when I was around 4 or 5 but they said I seemed to get a much better understanding once I was able to talk with them while reading the book.
 
HeavyPetter said:
I was gone by then. I'm friends with the hostess's brother and the VIF folks.
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I was also hanging out out the keg all night. We co-hosted with Helen and have gotten to know her b/c of Children of Vietnam. Fantastic home.

You missed a great speech. It was so good, we had to tell people to stop donating...

Small world we have here.
 
I have great respect for those who make the commitment to adopt. The challenges can be enormous, but the experience of offering a secure and loving childhood to an orphan or child whose parents are unable to care for him/her must be equally rewarding.
I have encountered a few adopted children who have attachment disorder and this is very difficult. Anyone have any insight here? Thanks!
 
blackngold35 said:
As an adopted child, your approach is exactly how I was raised. Granted, I'm Caucasian just like my parents so it's not an obvious situation.

I remember when I was 6, my parents got me a children's book that explained what adoption means and they'd read it with me and answer any questions that I had. They started telling me about my adoption when I was around 4 or 5 but they said I seemed to get a much better understanding once I was able to talk with them while reading the book.
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same with my brother and I, so her being Vietnamese will be a little difficult to understand at such a young age but as my parents did they just reminded me growing up that my biological parents couldnt raise me, (because of being young) so they gave me to my adoptive parents who love me just the same. and i think growing up like that with her knowing that you love her and that you are her parents, she will feel like she is a part of the family
 
mmedeac said:
I have great respect for those who make the commitment to adopt. The challenges can be enormous, but the experience of offering a secure and loving childhood to an orphan or child whose parents are unable to care for him/her must be equally rewarding.
I have encountered a few adopted children who have attachment disorder and this is very difficult. Anyone have any insight here? Thanks!
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I have seen some attachment disorder usually when older kids are adopted (say 3+). I haven't seen it when kids are adopted at a very young age (less than a year). While in the minority, I do think there are some adoptive parents who go overboard in trying to make it a central part of their children's lives, and I think they create some drama here. But my data points here limited.

I get worried sometimes we down play too much but it sounds like others have had good experiences with this style. Thats good to hear.
 
dstanleywfu said:
same with my brother and I, so her being Vietnamese will be a little difficult to understand at such a young age but as my parents did they just reminded me growing up that my biological parents couldnt raise me, (because of being young) so they gave me to my adoptive parents who love me just the same. and i think growing up like that with her knowing that you love her and that you are her parents, she will feel like she is a part of the family
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Funny story. Last week we saw the Amazing Race and they were in Hanoi. My daughter was mesmerized by it and was completely into watching the street scenes. She was just 11 months when we got her so she has no memory of it bu than, did she love that show.
 
Our son was 8 days old when we adopted him. We started talking to him when he was 5 also but like your daughter, he was confused. We brought it up again when he was 6 and he seemed to comprehend the information a little better. Now he is 8 and I think it is starting to become clearer. We have recently began to sponsor a child in Ecuador through Compassion International and have our son engaged in the financial sponsorship as well as written communication. I want to do other things locally with him and were looking into that now. I hope those things will help him fully understand what adoption is will encourage it as he grows older. I want to be as open to him as possible.
 
DeacsNDayton said:
Our son was 8 days old when we adopted him. We started talking to him when he was 5 also but like your daughter, he was confused. We brought it up again when he was 6 and he seemed to comprehend the information a little better. Now he is 8 and I think it is starting to become clearer. We have recently began to sponsor a child in Ecuador through Compassion International and have our son engaged in the financial sponsorship as well as written communication. I want to do other things locally with him and were looking into that now. I hope those things will help him fully understand what adoption is will encourage it as he grows older. I want to be as open to him as possible.
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Is he from Ecuador?
 
My son is adopted. We took him home from the hospital when he was 2 days old. We first held him when he was less than an hour old. We have never been secretive about his being adopted. I don't remember that we ever actually sat down and talked to him about it but we have always answered honestly any questions he has asked. Sometimes, I forget that he is adopted. Well, not really, but it seems like it.
 
I don't ever remember being told I was adopted, I have just always known. I would certainly use the same strategy if I ever adopted children of my own.
 
LilburnDeac said:
My son is adopted. We took him home from the hospital when he was 2 days old. We first held him when he was less than an hour old. We have never been secretive about his being adopted.
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I have 3 kids. 4.5-year-old biological son, soon to be 3-year-old biological daughter, and 5-month-old adopted son. We too held him within minutes of his delivery and took him home as soon as possible (he was in ICU for 7 days to be weened off the medications his birth mom was on). We plan to start the adoption conversation with him from the moment he can start to understand. There's no hiding that his kinky hair and darker skin doesn't look like mine. We started explaining adoption very early on to our biological kids because we always knew that we planned to adopt (we've been trying to adopt for as long as we've been trying to have biological children). They understand it far better than I would have expected at their age. My opinion: It's an important part of who he is...it doesn't define everything about him by any stretch, but it's a filter he'll likely consider everything through and that others will view him through as well. I've never encountered an adopted adult who felt they were told they were adopted too early in life, but I have encountered more than a few adopted adults who felt their parents waited too long.

Hoping to adopt again once we have the funds to do so...have a great love for Africa and Peru, so we may adopt internationally next go round.

Does anyone have a link to the earlier adoption thread referenced in the OP? I missed it.
 
mmedeac said:
I have encountered a few adopted children who have attachment disorder and this is very difficult. Anyone have any insight here? Thanks!
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My wife's little cousin (I think she's 11 now) deals with a lot of issues like that as a result of her time spent in an orphanage. She is tiny, and was mistreated by the staff and by older kids, presumably males. She still doesn't do well with her dad one-on-one and prefers not to talk about her time there. She was adopted later in life from a Ukrainian orphanage. Her parents were lied to by the adoption authorities and told they were adopting a 1 year old, but once they traveled to Ukraine, they were presented with a 6 year old girl who was a few months older than their son they had previously adopted from Russia. It's a "risk" you take in some international adoptions and something they were prepared for, but it's still shocking to leave the country expecting to be bringing home a toddler and to come home with a little girl a little bit older than your son. Counseling and lots of love seem to be the key.
 
RacerDeac said:
My wife's little cousin (I think she's 11 now) deals with a lot of issues like that as a result of her time spent in an orphanage. She is tiny, and was mistreated by the staff and by older kids, presumably males. She still doesn't do well with her dad one-on-one and prefers not to talk about her time there. She was adopted later in life from a Ukrainian orphanage. Her parents were lied to by the adoption authorities and told they were adopting a 1 year old, but once they traveled to Ukraine, they were presented with a 6 year old girl who was a few months older than their son they had previously adopted from Russia. It's a "risk" you take in some international adoptions and something they were prepared for, but it's still shocking to leave the country expecting to be bringing home a toddler and to come home with a little girl a little bit older than your son. Counseling and lots of love seem to be the key.
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wow, that would be a difficult mental switch to make.
 
RacerDeac said:
My wife's little cousin (I think she's 11 now) deals with a lot of issues like that as a result of her time spent in an orphanage. She is tiny, and was mistreated by the staff and by older kids, presumably males. She still doesn't do well with her dad one-on-one and prefers not to talk about her time there. She was adopted later in life from a Ukrainian orphanage. Her parents were lied to by the adoption authorities and told they were adopting a 1 year old, but once they traveled to Ukraine, they were presented with a 6 year old girl who was a few months older than their son they had previously adopted from Russia. It's a "risk" you take in some international adoptions and something they were prepared for, but it's still shocking to leave the country expecting to be bringing home a toddler and to come home with a little girl a little bit older than your son. Counseling and lots of love seem to be the key.
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That is just crazy and sad. Ive heard some horror stories about Eastern Europe.

One thing that has amazed me was how well my 9 YO biological son "accpeted" his new sister. He was 5 at the time and it was literally no different than if we had a new born baby.

Im also amazed at how common internatioonal adoption is these days....I think it makes it easier than it used to be....
 
CHDeac said:
Is he from Ecuador?
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Our son is through a domestic adoption. We know the hospital where he was born. He was a preemie and only weighed 3.12 lbs at birth. He lost to 3.9 then quickly shot up to 4.2. At that point it was physically safe for him to leave the hospital. We were also advised that in NC the mother has 7 days to change her mind. Day 8 was a great celebration. Dads had/have 30 days to claim custody but we never heard from him either. Now, he is 8 1/2 years old, eats everything in sight (like dad-haha), plays on a Select baseball team, and is a black belt in Taekwondo (also like dad). The boy has absolutely changed our lives. He is a most loving child and has, without a doubt, added many happy years to our lives.
 
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