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The Separation/Divorce Thread

BillBrasky said:
Just now catching up on PMs and rep now that I'm home on my laptop, and I just want to say that this a great community. The words of advice and support that I just read were extremely kind and helpful. Thank's y'all, I really needed it.
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<3
 
BillBrasky said:
Im starting this thread to ask for advice and also to create a place where people in similar positions can talk and support each other.

My wife and I decided to separate on NYE. It’s been a fairly amicable split so far, and nobody is to blame. There was no infidelity or grievous behavior. The strain of COVID, new parenthood and the realization that we are two very different people who want to live life in a different way, led to our separation.

I have also had some mental health struggles for the last year, which didn’t help. The stress of a failing marriage, the bleakness of the COVID works, and a job I grew to hate was really getting to me. Im doing better now, have been taking medication and seeing a counselor for about six months.

We do have a young son and he is our priority, I moved into an apartment five mins away and see him 4-5 times week. We originally left the door open for reconciliation, but in the last week or two my wife has made it clear she’s ready to move on, and honestly I don’t really want to go back to our previous marriage dynamic either.

So as the finality of our separation begins to settle in, I am experiencing emotions of loneliness and sadness. I know long term that this is the right decision, but it’s pretty tough right now especially since almost all my friends around here are married.

So my first question to people who have experienced this is what should I be doing to improve my mental and physical health? How do I meet people in a similar position and how did you move on and start a new chapter of your life?

*Also I know many of you in real life, and several of you know my wife from HS. I want to stress that she’s not a bad person and I will always respect and care for her. I doubt any of you are going to talk to her anytime soon, but if you do for some reason I’d prefer you don’t mention this thread. Thanks*
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Really glad you're seeing someone, I haven't been through this but have two siblings who have and wish you all the best Brasky. Here's to your next chapter!
 
The one thing I will say is of all the people I know that went through divorce, I can't think of a single one that isn't happier today than they were in the marriage. Including my parents. So I truly believe your happiest days are ahead and I hope not far ahead at all.
 
Sounds like you are getting good advice from experienced folks. Sorry you're going through this. I have no first-hand experience but I'd ask the wife if she is willing to try marriage counseling. I know it seems y'all are beyond this, but ask anyway. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look at her, your child, and yourself in the mirror and honestly say "I did the best I could to save the marriage."
 
PM sent.

IMO, I'd avoid putting too much on this thread.
 
I've seen too many people live out their single parenting life on social media, like they are keeping score or something. The last thing your kids need to look back and see is that you posted about it every time you took them to get ice cream, etc.

One thing I'll add publicly, be very smart about finances. Going from two incomes managing a single household to one income managing your own household plus likely part of your exes is a financial burden that seems easy on paper but is tough when you really get down to it.
 
DeaconSig said:
askMoonzdoopposite.
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This is probably the best advice on this thread.

Unfortunately for Moonz, becoming Q-Anon friendly and posting articles from Holocaust-denying groups is not the best way to get through this issue.
 
Liquid Karma said:
I've seen too many people live out their single parenting life on social media, like they are keeping score or something. The last thing your kids need to look back and see is that you posted about it every time you took them to get ice cream, etc.

One thing I'll add publicly, be very smart about finances. Going from two incomes managing a single household to one income managing your own household plus likely part of your exes is a financial burden that seems easy on paper but is tough when you really get down to it.
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Just seeing this on social media is awkward when you know both parents, even when you haven't seen either parent in decades. From a distance, I admire parents who are divorced but still clearly co-parent and openly include the other parent in the process even if it's just tagging them in a post.

Good luck, Brasky. Divorce is can be both bad and good at the same time.
 
Nothing to add but lots of great advice here. I think you are doing a lot of positive things already. Also as I’m sure you are aware a dusty bolo awaits to see the light once again.
 
Just wanted to add my message of support and encouragement. You're a good dude Brasky even if I disagree with your takes occasionally.

First and most important is take care of yourself and remember that time must do its slow, tedious work to heal. There are no shortcuts.

Great that you already have an agreement with your ex. I have someone close to me going through a divorce and he made the mistake of starting a new relationship before the split was final even though he'd been separated and it was understood that a formal divorce was coming. It has massively complicated things and completely wrecked any hope of an amicable resolution.

I echo LK's comments about staying off social media. The less said there the better.

Good luck with everything and be well. Really admire how proactive you have been.
 
Been there.

Be OK with Not being OK. It’s a multi year process. Recognize that you are not in a mental state to make decisions.

Dude sorry.
 
Sorry Brasky. Been through it and it sucks luckily I had no kids in my first marriage.

Don't drink too much, take a trip with some guys you are tight with, work out like a motherfucker and set a couple of new challenging but achievable goals for yourself in your career or hobby or whatever to focus on and enjoy reaching, that's been the key to my mental health
 
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