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Experiences with incarcerated friends/family

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MHBDemon

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Shot in the dark here, and not really sure why I wanted to post this, but I think mainly just to get out some thoughts/emotions.

I have a really good friend that is incarcerated. He and I were roommates in college. We connected immediately over shared love of basketball and movies. We partied together pretty hard. I have not seen him in probably 15+ years (he lived abroad for much of his time post college), but we had always stayed in touch via social media or text.

We used to chat daily. We'd talk about the NBA, WWE, UFC, movies. We'd talk about our struggles with addiction, depression. We'd talk about sobriety, working out, walking, eating healthy, and other steps we were taking to improve our health. He would go silent for days-week at a time, and then apologize that bouts of depression had gotten the best of him.

Over a year ago, the daily text messages went silent, and after a prolonged period, I started googling his name. I found out that he was arrested, found out where he was and navigated the many hoops it takes to sign up for a website by which I could try to contact him. He has since moved facilities twice, each time it comes with a period of not receiving any messages, googling his name (worried about possible suicide), calling facilities to find him, signing up for a new website through which I can send e-messages, and just hoping that the messages get to him. This most recent time the messages probably went silent in mid to late March. I found out he had been moved, called the jail to see if they have tablets or access to a messaging service. The jail said the best way to contact him was through mail. I sent him a letter on April 16th. Last week the letter was returned to me because I had not written his identification number on the envelope. Today, I am re-sending the letter.

Bluntly, I miss him. It is difficult to go from being able to speak to someone daily, to maybe corresponding 1-2 a month. I still Google his name quite often, to see if there is any news of his case or worse.
Though many of you know some of my political views on the topic of incarceration, I hope not to wade into that here. I wanted to share how difficult it has been for me, and to ask that you consider how difficult it is for my friend and others who are incarcerated.

If anyone else here happens to have had a similar experience, feel free to reach out via pm, or share. Thanks for reading. This was cathartic.
 
No similar experience to lean on other than a great big generic hang in there. It's not easy when friends leave our lives. In a situation like this it sounds heartbreaking. Specifically, I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing. Keep chatting
 
The experience of friends and family members on the outside is one of the many unnecessarily cruel elements of the criminal justice system.
 
Depending on the state, I have found that the State Department of Corrections websites generally have good information on the status of inmates and projected release dates.
 
About 12 years ago, a close childhood friend was convicted and incarcerated for a year in federal prison. (A long and complicated situation that need not be discussed here). Absolutely crushing for him, whom I love as a brother, and for his parents, who were and are closer to me than some of my aunts and uncles.

I stood by my friend during his ordeal (both leading up to his conviction and then his incarceration). While he was in prison, I wrote to him regularly (in which I provided my unconditional support but also as a sounding board), and made sure to have books delivered to him from Amazon to help him pass the time. (There is not much else that you can send to an inmate. I sent him some postage stamps once -- they were returned by the FBP with a stern warning not to send them again, as they are perceived as contraband/unauthorized currency).

Since his release, I have done everything within my power to help him rehabilitate his ability to make a living and support his wife and children, and continue to be the type of friend that someone would want to have. I am extremely gratified for him and so proud of him that he has put his life back together and is doing very well as a respected husband, father, and citizen.

I don't know what else to really tell you, other than to encourage you to be there for your friend and to do everything you can to support him and his family in this extremely difficult time. Everyone must acknowledge and come to terms with what has happened, but it does not have to be the ultimately defining event of your friend's life.
 
Thanks for sharing 92. I’ve offered to send books many times and he has declined. I did put some money on his books once. You sound like a great friend.
 
Have a friend that went in for doing stupid shit. He got out and continues to do the same stupid shit. Only a matter of time before he returns with interest.
 
That's rough. I have some tangential experience. My aunt was on the run from the feds when I was born and then was caught when I was very young and spent the rest of her life in prison until she died like 12 years ago from cancer. I spoke with her a handful of times (never met her in person), but my parents and other family members regularly visited her and gave her whatever support she needed. She also had a ton of support from some outside group and was very much taken care of. She was also very active in prison, got her bachelors and masters degrees, wrote a lot (some of which was published) and taught other inmates. She was a genuinely good person who held some fringe views and did some not great stuff (and subsequently refused to accept that she was wrong, like most of her peers did).

My other more recent experience is that a family friend was arrested and convicted a few years ago for a very bad act (which he denies). My mom had some contact with him at the very beginning, but when it became clearer to her that he was being shady she pretty much cut off contact. He's always been the kind of person to lie and cheat and manipulate to get what he wanted and my mom felt that he was just doing more of the same in their conversations. And what he did (allegedly) is bad enough that it's hard to justify being associated with him.
 
wfudkn said:
That's rough. I have some tangential experience. My aunt was on the run from the feds when I was born and then was caught when I was very young and spent the rest of her life in prison until she died like 12 years ago from cancer. I spoke with her a handful of times (never met her in person), but my parents and other family members regularly visited her and gave her whatever support she needed. She also had a ton of support from some outside group and was very much taken care of. She was also very active in prison, got her bachelors and masters degrees, wrote a lot (some of which was published) and taught other inmates. She was a genuinely good person who held some fringe views and did some not great stuff (and subsequently refused to accept that she was wrong, like most of her peers did).
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damn

like a Weather Underground type of thing?
 
When I was younger my favorite uncle from my mom’s side was incarcerated for a series of different things mostly starting with scams, things like wire fraud and the like. What he did was actually pretty genius as he always really intelligent but also happen to hang around some pretty shady mob type people and then the drugs followed that.

I remember it wasn’t as hard dealing with knowing exactly where he was as it provided stability it was the yo-yoing in and out of prison that made things difficult. I think he found adjustment into society extremely difficult each time no matter what support structure he was given. After so many times that support structure kind of eroded where release meant a halfway house which ultimately meant relapsing sobriety leading to events that resulted in incarceration again. In the end he died of a drug overdose.

The tl/dr I think if you really care, which sounds like you certainly do, when they are incarcerated as well as finally released do everything you can to be there for them no matter what and no matter how difficult it may be or how much they tell you they can do it on their own.
 
Does playing prison guard / prisoner with your spouse count?
 
I had an Uncle avoid jail by testifying for the State in a massive banking fraud case in 80's. No one in the family ever talked about it so I'd don't know the details, but I do know that he "retired" to a beach front house in Hamptons at 46 years old.
 
birdman said:
I had an Uncle avoid jail by testifying for the State in a massive banking fraud case in 80's. No one in the family ever talked about it so I'd don't know the details, but I do know that he "retired" to a beach front house in Hamptons at 46 years old.
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And let that be a lesson to you all, crime doesnt pay.
 
Sounds like you're doing all the right things to me. It seems odd that he is being moved around a lot, but maybe that isn't unusual.
 
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