Greatest Dump Thread...
- Thread starter Caturday
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lbE08
Stegosaurus are bush league
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because you shart? it's astounding to me how common this seems to be. like, no biggie- just poop your pants and ditch your undies. i have never heard of a girl doing this (and i've got some pretty open/sharing girl friends).
Semi-Tough Deac
Well-known member
Not my excrement, but someone in my frat dropped a deuce that was wider than the crapper trap. He apparently came back with a wire coat hanger and tried to break it up, to no avail.
It was a thing of wonder
It was a thing of wonder
Semi-Tough Deac
Well-known member
Since we're talking about work poops now, a classic:
GUIDE TO TAKING A DUMP AT WORK
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
GUIDE TO TAKING A DUMP AT WORK
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
When I was about 28 or 29 I began experiencing constipation and digestive pain for 4 or 5 days straight. The pain became bad enough that I stayed home from work one day. I was bound and determined to have a BM so I could go back to work the next day without discomfort. After sitting on the throne for several hours, it finally happened and it wasn't easy. I flushed. The next time I went to the toilet, I noticed something small and round in the bottom of the bowl. Upon closer inspection, it was a coin. After flushing again, it didn't go down, so I fished it out. It was a quarter and although all the silver was corroded off of it, I could still make out the date as 1968. Since I was born in 1966, I assume I swallowed it at some point between the ages of 3 and 6.
deaconson
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he claims he ripped them into strips and thought that would work. clearly he is an idiot.
DeacinBama
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[/Not sure]Nope. You swallowed it some time in the preceding 12-48 hours.[/if serious.]
Also, did anyone else have the urge to go while reading this thread?
Caturday
Well-known member
After my accident, I was on opoids and other pks for about a month. I got constipated as hell (shitting isn't big in the oxy contin community). So I'm in pain and request a suppository that I released my soul. It weighed 10 pounds, even the doctors and nurses were horrified. I thought it was hilarious. But my god did that shit stink.
Seriously, I don't remember swallowing a quarter so I must have swallowed it as a child. Also, the silver was totally corroded off. And I was constipated about 4 days so it was definitely more than 48 hours.
Buttermaker
Well-known member
Annual Wake college buds golf trip to Myrtle Beach about 5 years ago. Preceeding night consisted of much alcohol consumption. The morning began with an extensive breakfast buffet of eggs, sausage, coffee etc. Back nine all of a sudden I have a tremendous need to crap. Immediately. Panic sets in as I consider my limited options. I hurry behind the tee box into some bushes and take perhaps the most satisfying dump of my life followed by a wipe with the golf towel. Towel remains with the dump. Relieved and happy, I stripe my drive down the middle. As I approach the green after my second shot (in tight I'm sure), I see a gleaming new bathroom by the next tee.
marquee moon
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did you ever hear about cocaine lil,
she lived in cocainetown on a cocaine hill,
she had a cocaine dog and a cocaine cat,
and they fought all night with a cocaine rat,
she had cocaine hair on her cocaine head,
a cocaine dress that was poppy red,
she wore a snowbird hat and sleighride clothes,
on her coat she wore crimson cocaine rose,
big red chariots on the milky way,
snakes and elephants, silver and grey,
oh the cocaine blues they make me sad,
oh the cocaine blues make me feel so bad,
she went to a party one cold night,
the way she sniffed was sure a fright,
there was morphine sue and the poppyfaced kid
climbing up snow ladders and down they slid,
along in the morning about half past three
they were all lit up like a christmas tree,
when she got home and started for bed,
she took another sniff and it knocked her dead,
they laid her out in her cocaine clothes
she wore a snowbird hat with a crimson rose,
on her headstone you'll find this refrain...
"she died as she lived sniffing cocaine"