At the end of every season, we always review the year with our coaches. [Since our seasons end so early, we can get this out of the way sooner than other schools, thereby giving us a head start on pre-explaining next season's dismal results. That being the primary purpose of this email.] There is much interest in the status of our men’s basketball program [Interest on my part in destroying it; interest in 98% of our fans in replacing it and interest in the media in making hilarious fun of it] and how we will return to a championship caliber program [Notice the clever way I use "caliber." I'm not saying I want to win a championship, I'm saying I want to have a program that shares some qualities with teams that win championships. I stole this idea from that Alec Baldwin skit]. Let me share my thoughts about our vision for the program [Because it's not reasonable to evaluate my vision based solely on misleading things like win-loss records, F-bombs, transfers, billboards, RJ Karl posts and whatnot], where we are today [We are horrible; our Facebook page is a mess and even that Braces lady suggested a possible new coach the other day.] and our expectations for the future [We are committed to becoming a middle of the pack team, and if not, there will be plenty of reasons why other than my arrogance and inability to hire my way out of the cellar].
Our goals for our basketball program have never wavered [We want to be as good as we can be without spending any real money or admitting any mistakes, but- and this is key- not so good that people forget about all the self-imposed rules we have cleverly imposed that explain why our results must be evaluated more leniently than all other programs in this world or any world]. It is our expectation to have a sustainable championship-caliber program [Of course we also expected people to embrace my hiring of Jeff [Redacted] as our men's basketball coach]. Our win-loss record the last few years has not been what we want or expect [We expect mediocrity and will only accept less for a few years. Give or take a few years.]. However, building a sustainable championship caliber program takes a certain approach [Not the one we are taking, mind you, but an approach.]. There are no shortcuts nor should there be at Wake Forest [There are shortcuts everywhere else, like hiring a good coach, but that's not how we roll. We want to do things differently than everyone else so we don't have to truly compete with them.]. The foundation must be strong for a championship program to emerge [Notice that I forget to say "caliber" here. I write like a ninja, all sneaky and lethal.]. That foundation has been established. [Just not at Wake Forest.]
When we become a championship program again [The quad will look like a Pink Floyd album cover, and all of you will be dead of old age.], it will be the result of the decisions that have been made by Jeff [Redacted] and his staff during their time with us [Decisions that will eventually leave the Board of Trustees with no option other than to fire him and me, and hire a sane AD and a qualified coach.]. The primary factor that will lead us to success are student-athletes who are not only outstanding players but also good students [Unlike, apparently, every prior player from the days we had a good team, including the hordes of them who graduated, like Tim Duncan, for example.]; good citizens [You know, like, for example, people who don't trash other people to make themselves look better.] who relate to our student body and fans [Some will say it makes me a bad citizen to trash all of our prior players to help explain our current status as the laughingstock of college basketball, but read my words- the good citizen rule only applies to players.], and are committed to achieving excellence both on and off the court. Our players have those qualities [And we have the signed, binding letters and a calendar to prove it]. There are many reasons to be encouraged about our future [Like my age, and Jeff [Redacted]'s age; and the possibility that WFU will impose a mandatory retirement age] but at the top of the list are our returning players [Assuming there are any. We never know who will bail and who we can wine and dine into staying.]. They are fine representatives of our program and university. And they happen to be very good basketball players [Not great, but good. I have made good the new great.]. They are the foundation upon which we will continue to build our program. [Well, except that they will all transfer, leave or graduate. Let's not get too granular here, when I'm on a roll.]
Future recruits will also contribute to our success [I bet you didn't know that. Now I'm dropping serious insider knowledge.]. They will play important roles for us and, again, are individuals who our students and fans will embrace [Even though we don't know who they are and even though based on past trends many of them will transfer.]. Our team chemistry that was evident this year will continue to be a positive force with the additions to our team over the next couple years. [I think I'm repeating myself. Myself repeating I am. Star Wars. Firefly. Can you believe Tigh was a frickin' Cylon?.]
Our players will continue to develop and improve through hard work and dedication just as they did throughout this season. This year 60% of our minutes were played by freshmen [And a full 100% of our minutes were played by college students.]. We have not found another team that played freshmen so many minutes [Of course we haven't looked, because that would rob us of our perpetual youth card.]. The next highest percentage in the ACC was Georgia Tech with their freshmen playing just over 40% of their minutes. Miami, the ACC regular season and tournament champion, played their freshmen only 4% of the total minutes. Additionally, the top teams in the country generally played their freshmen minimal minutes. Experience does matter. Our freshmen gained valuable experience this year that will pay dividends in future years. [Of course all of this is equally true for every other basketball team, but if you're still reading this, you're so desperate for something to hang onto this will probably suffice.]
One of the trademarks of a young team is difficulty winning on the road [And one of the trademarks of Jeff [Redacted] is never winning on the road. So you can see how he and our young team are completely compatible]. That was certainly evident with our team. We had some good wins at home (Xavier, Virginia, No. 18 NC State and No. 2 Miami). We also played well against other teams but did not finish those games (duke, Georgia Tech, Seton Hall, and road games at Richmond, Boston College and Virginia Tech). As we mature, we will learn to finish those games both at home and on the road. [I'm not going to mention how bad the ACC was this year, and how every other team will likely improve at a faster rate than us. You can get all that from Firebz.com, Dan Collins, ESPN and the rest of the lunatic center.]
This year our team improved its home record with an 11-5 mark after having been 9-7 and 7-12 the last two years [Somehow I'm going to interpret this as good and not grounds for mutiny.]. A major factor in that improvement was the home court advantage that our fans established with their enthusiasm and passion [Actually, I hate our fans. Well, except for that cat in the overalls. He gets me.]. Our student attendance increased 55% from the previous year. We want to continue to grow our student attendance which we will do as our players continue to make positive contributions on campus. [Thankfully, we don't play our games on campus]
It’s not only students who provided the improved atmosphere at the Joel. Our fans helped to motivate the team through their boisterous support that played a major part in winning a number of home games this year [Not a big number, or a number that would keep most coaches employed, but a number. Zero is a number. Red means run, son.]. In fact, our overall attendance increased 11% this year. Our fans are adopting this team [and lots and lots of other teams] and will continue to be a positive influence on the outcome of our games [Thanks to stats, ads, billboards and such.].
Next year we will return to our historical competitiveness [This is a fancy phrase for long periods of mediocrity with occasional instances of nearly good]. To do that we will need to be tough to beat at home and win more road games [More, as in more than one. We think that is achievable]. That will require physical and mental toughness from everyone on our team. Our players will rise to meet that challenge through the training that they will receive in the off-season. [From their brothers, sisters, dogs, X-boxes, things more helpful than all of the practices during the season.]
In future years, we will challenge for ACC Championships and advance to the NCAA Tournament [Now I'm not saying we will win either. Just challenge and play a game. I also didn't say which future year. Flexibility is a key component of my plan.]. With the direction of our program, there is every reason to expect that to happen in the near future [like 2015 or 2016, or so]. Ultimately, we are determined to win ACC Championships [in soccer or debate] and advance deep into the NCAA Tournament [On my PlayStation. Using VCU.]. Those are all realistic goals that our program is building to achieve. [So what if it takes a decade or so. Football has shown me that one freak season can be the basis for a decade of failure.]
The foundation has been established to return to our historical competitiveness [Whatever that means] and future championships [For other teams who get a de facto bye when they play us]. I look forward to continuing the journey with you next year! [I also look forward to winning the lottery, antiquing with DV7 and being elected President of North Korea.]
