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Memos to Annoying Ass Co-worker(s)

Also, there are much better Beatles songs out there to choose.
 
Dear person who also exists in my cubicle quad:

Why do you insist upon making ridiculous noises every time you come back to this area? Huge sighs, whistling, etc... all unnecessary. When you curse at the computer calling it a 'steaming pile of crap' or 'stupid piece of poop' (with pauses in there, as though you want to say shit but then change to a more appropriate word at the last second) because you still haven't figured out how to use Microsoft Outlook, it's not funny or endearing. Especially because you do it 3-4 times a day and have since we switched mail servers 1.5 months ago. Also, if I ask you a question you don't need to go all patronizing 'father knows best' on me and bring me over to the computer screen and take me through click by click... just tell me where the file is. I'm not an idiot. Also, please stop leaning on my cubicle wall and holding ridiculous converstations with me when I'm clearly working... or even when I'm clearly not working. Your nasal accent is extremely grating.

Great, glad we had this chat.
 
Oh, and to all the people who keep their cell phone ringers on LOUD, if someone calls and you want to ignore it, silence the damn ring. Especially you, person who has the iPhone ring noise of the 'bomb's about to go off emergency alarm.' I'm tired of nearly pissing myself every time you get a call (which I can tell is from your wife who has you completely whipped... you should probably take those calls in a more private location).
 
lbE08 said:
Dear person who also exists in my cubicle quad:

Why do you insist upon making ridiculous noises every time you come back to this area? Huge sighs, whistling, etc... all unnecessary. When you curse at the computer calling it a 'steaming pile of crap' or 'stupid piece of poop' (with pauses in there, as though you want to say shit but then change to a more appropriate word at the last second) because you still haven't figured out how to use Microsoft Outlook, it's not funny or endearing. Especially because you do it 3-4 times a day and have since we switched mail servers 1.5 months ago. Also, if I ask you a question you don't need to go all patronizing 'father knows best' on me and bring me over to the computer screen and take me through click by click... just tell me where the file is. I'm not an idiot. Also, please stop leaning on my cubicle wall and holding ridiculous converstations with me when I'm clearly working... or even when I'm clearly not working. Your nasal accent is extremely grating.

Great, glad we had this chat.
Click to expand...

but on the positive side, that dude doesn't live in Oregon
 
Dear co-worker -

Do you have to rock back and forth CONSTANTLY in a squeaky chair? Where did you put the WD-40 I left on your desk with the note requesting you to fix or replace the chair? If you don't do something about it soon, I will make sure to bring in a screwdriver and loosen a few more screws so that it may fall completely apart one glorious morning.

That is all.
 
I don't care if you feel guilty for not throwing a co-worker a shower for the birth of her second baby. I am not going to fork over $20 for the present for the kid's first birthday!
 
dear a woman who works in my building,
don't poop on the toilet seat. really though, how did you do that? it had to have been on purpose.
-rtq
 
Dear fat disgusting paralegals,

I realize that since my boss is fat he has a soft spot (pun intended) for you people, but I don't. You are sick all the time, your hygiene is questionable at best, you have no taste, and I hate looking at you. No way any of you live past 60 anyway, so go kill yourselves now so my healthcare costs will go down. tx.

TAB
 
The reason I knew you were in my office is because I smelled your perfume even in your absence, which brings up two points: 1) You wear too damn much and it would be nothing short of considerate not to asphyxiate me and your other colleagues by not using half the bottle when you apply it and 2) I'd really appreciate it if you simply left documents in my mailbox or held them until I got back rather than thinking you're free to simply walk in and place something on my chair. If you can't help yourself from doing that, then at least leave my pictures alone -- they're placed where I like them to be, especially the ones of my kids who remind me why I choose to put up with your shit every day.

---

I'm sure your concoction of fish and shrimp was really good last night. That said, I'm less sure the leftovers made for the best option to bring to lunch and re-heat in the lounge microwave today. The entire office area now smells like a Caracas whorehouse. How I know that is irrelevant to the matter at hand and not of your concern. Please stock up on Lean Cuisines from this point forward.
 
If it takes you a little longer to poop, that's ok. No need to make noises like you're giving birth in there.
 
Wash your fucking hands. Not just because you were in the bathroom and other people saw you. Do it because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Nasty motherfucker.

I have one female co-worker who seems oblivious to her twat fumes. Normally, I'm all for the scent of cunt wafting by on the air. It's Pavlovian to me. I drool like a werewolf tracking bloody meat. But in this case, it's a 60-something, pear-shaped, titty-dragging, insufferable bitch who alienates everyone. She's been in my office and I've had to make up reasons to run out and gasp.
 
94Deac said:
Wash your fucking hands. Not just because you were in the bathroom and other people saw you. Do it because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Nasty motherfucker.
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And they're typically the same person who wants to pat you on the shoulder or shake your hand every time they see you. :rulz:
 
dear TMI-sharing coworker-

if i walk into the restroom at the end of the day, it is because i need to use the restroom. not because i want to hear about how you came into the bathroom to "let the puppies out for a minute" because you can't stand regular bras. i didn't want to know that. please don't tell me these things.
 
DeacHoops said:
dear TMI-sharing coworker-

if i walk into the restroom at the end of the day, it is because i need to use the restroom. not because i want to hear about how you came into the bathroom to "let the puppies out for a minute" because you can't stand regular bras. i didn't want to know that. please don't tell me these things.
Click to expand...

:eek:
 
DeacHoops said:
dear TMI-sharing coworker-

if i walk into the restroom at the end of the day, it is because i need to use the restroom. not because i want to hear about how you came into the bathroom to "let the puppies out for a minute" because you can't stand regular bras. i didn't want to know that. please don't tell me these things.
Click to expand...

Shit. Women really do that? I gotta get the IT guys to finish installing that camera in there...
 
94Deac said:
Shit. Women really do that? I gotta get the IT guys to finish installing that camera in there...
Click to expand...

most women, no, definitely not. but this woman, apparently yes. she's extremely obese, so i can imagine that bras are not terribly comfortable. i understand the discomfort factor, just don't tell me about it. do what you need to do. but don't tell me about it.
 
DeacHoops said:
most women, no, definitely not. but this woman, apparently yes. she's extremely obese, so i can imagine that bras are not terribly comfortable. i understand the discomfort factor, just don't tell me about it. do what you need to do. but don't tell me about it.
Click to expand...

Damn it. You just had to go there. I'm calling IT back and telling them to forget it.
 
DeacHoops said:
most women, no, definitely not. but this woman, apparently yes. she's extremely obese, so i can imagine that bras are not terribly comfortable. i understand the discomfort factor, just don't tell me about it. do what you need to do. but don't tell me about it.
Click to expand...

How often do YOU do it? And can you provide pictures so we can critique your method? I assure you that we are only concerned that you are doing it wrong.
 
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