lokisapocalypse
The Pumpfaker
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2011
- Messages
- 3,610
- Reaction score
- 271
I found myself today on the other boards (don't ask). I went to the Quad to see if anyone still posted there (no). But on the front page was one of the greatest posts I'd ever seen so I wanted to bring it over here and share it.
OldGoldBeard said:Hey,
EatLeadCommie, tough luck on striking out during your trip to Rio. Dino Gaudio will give you a call later today with some tips on closing.
DieHardDeac, you’re so gay you have sex with men.
Deacondemonzzzz, congrats on the marriage. Based on your taste in women as displayed on the board, you better make sure she never slips and falls, or the Richter scale reading would be higher than your GPA.
Awakegirl, your annual shoe budget is bigger than the GDP of 14 African nations. Combined.
BeachBum, sorry about losing your girlfriend. She wasn’t good enough for you anyway, if she left because you wouldn’t spend enough money on her. I can’t figure out what other advantage Shylock would have over you.
Doctorlcc, I like your new smart car. How’d it do in the pinewood derby?
WFUWaldo, Martin Hanford called. After reading your posts, he’s changing it from “Where’s Waldo?” to “Nobody Gives a ****.”
Bid1966, the band in your avatar didn’t write their own songs. If I posted half the crap you do, I’d try to go the same route and say I didn’t write my own posts.
BallStateDeac, you **** so many underage chicks Chris Hansen has you on his Christmas card list.
DeacFan2009, saw the video of you doing the Soldier Boy. Wake Forest dances better than you.
MRickman84, Gandhi called. He wants his physique back.
OrigScreaminDemon, the movement you started is as corrupt and oppressive as anything in Soviet Russia. At least that puts you on par with Lenin instead of Stalin.
BaseballBoomhauer, the Dickbag Shop called. They’re running out of you.
Bigdoublezero, I showed your posts to my puppy so he could see how obnoxious it is when he whines all the time. Now he whines twice as much and ***** the bed whenever a mafia show comes on.
Deacon511, we all know the real reason your dad passed, and it involved you, Art Monk, and a giant tube of lube.
TR1982, you’ll be getting a call from Dino as well. He’ll be giving you tips on how to handle a tournament.
TownieDeac, great job with the heroes contest and greatest albums list, and good luck with that Art History major. If I ever need to have two-thirds of a painting critiqued, you’ll be the first person I contact.
Brangus, you’re named after your favorite type of cow. None of us have to ask, “Favorite for what?”
OldManDeac, Michael Jackson’s ghost thinks you’re sketchy.
BroadRippleDeac, good post about Alabama’s basketball program being on par with ours. Given that that’s the only post of yours I can remember, I’d say Terry Schiavo is about on par with you as a poster.
LittlebigE08, how can I criticize? Without you, the board wouldn’t have a bicycle.
HailToTheDeacons, you studied anthropology, right? The ancient behavior and origin of long-dead people? That’s great, maybe your next topic can be your posting career.
ChicdeaC, you know how I know you spend too much time with birds? You post like a loon, act like a dodo, and cry like a mourning dove when you get destroyed in mafia. At least show us your boobies.
WakeLaw2006, when federal taxation makes a roaring comeback to crack the 5,000 most interesting topics in the world, you’ll be the life of the party.
LittleReff, sorry Rusty cut you from the basketball team. Maybe if you’d spent more time practicing your jump shot and less time gift-wrapping radios, you would have made it.
Blomqvist, your posts are as exciting, controversial, and novel as the music you listen to.
RJEqualsMJ, we’re still waiting for your number of good posts to match your namesake’s flagrant foul count.
FreeknDeacon, I would say the guy in your avatar has more game than you, but that would imply that you have game. You couldn’t get laid if you were John Wall.
Cesprink, I hope you didn’t laugh at the ELC one. All I’ve got to say, bro.
94Deac, that’s cool you haven’t heard of Lindsey Lohan. Based on your posting history, you haven’t heard of these things either: happiness, joy, amusement, merriment, friendliness, gladness, humor, goodness, cheer, hope, optimism, satisfaction, and not being an *******.
ILoveTaron, a yahoo working for Yahoo. I guess that explains why my browser crashed when I tried to search for a swastika on your site.
AWakeAndReady, I showed your Chinese character tattoo to a friend, and he said it translates to: “New Jersey sucks.” Joke’s on you.
Danthedeacsfan, thought I heard you yodeling the other day, but on second thought, it may have been you howling after having a vibrator shoved up your butt. Either way, it was impressive.
Benthegreat, what’s the difference in you and Ben Harper, Ben Wallace, Benjamin Banneker, Ben Gordon, Ben Watson, Ben E. King, and Uncle Ben? The answer: you suck.
NoVaDeacon, you didn’t have the balls to post pictures of Nonny’s cougar. You better go looking for them fast at your old girlfriend’s apartment. It can get pretty leaky under a bridge.
Numbers, you can’t write angsty poetry when you’ve never suffered any hardship, struggled with poverty, been locked in a cage… Oh. Maybe you just don’t have the gift for it.
WakeSenior03, I can’t decide between a Philly joke and a ginger joke.
TexasDeac10, Bernie Madoff would be proud of the swiftness of the rise and collapse of the G-Money Fan Club. I would say it mirrored your posting career if there had been any rise to that.
Magnolialeague, you’ve spent your entire life pursuing something that doesn’t exist, has never existed, and will never exist: a woman who would have sex with you. By the way, the Magnolia League sucks too.
Oldtrenchfighter, a little advice for the board’s most gifted photoshopper: put those skills to work editing the cow off your diploma, and replacing the “North Carolina State” part with something a little more prestigious, like Forsyth Tech, Bridgeport, or Texas Women’s U.
DeacHoops, kudos to you for enhancing your womanly skills by working at Williams Sonoma. Judging from your App Trail pics, stints at Nieman Marcus and Bed, Bath, and Beyond wouldn’t hurt you either.
IamThunderbolt, no matter how massive the bowel movement you took your name from was, it still couldn’t be half as ****** as your mafia modding.
ConnorEl2, you constantly claim to be a monkey in your posts. Four words: Don’t flatter yourself, kid.
PhDeac, you’ve single-handedly driven a number of posters to use the title of your profession, one of the most respected in the world, as a pejorative. I guess humility isn’t in the curriculum.
Steelsys, your idea for a nation-wide private school conference, as well as many other posts of yours, are worthy of a greater poster. Specifically, LittleReff. I meant “greater” as in mass, not caliber.
PUB24, your posting style is a combination of the senility of Joe Gibbs and the drunken belligerence of a pub rat.
ILDeac10, you have 3500 posts and 3498 of them came in the Chat Thread. Buy a phone.
Mattwfu99, your administration of the Sheep playoffs demonstrated the integrity and honesty embodied by your profession of two-bit, hack journalism. Fortunately, the future prospects for both of you are equally bright.
DeaconSlim, your 10,000th post was a highlight on the boards. If you’re seriously considering moving to Afghanistan to work 70 hours a week, I’m guessing it was a highlight of your life too.
AttilatheHoo, you’re a metalhead. You also like heavy metal music, probably because it’s the only type that can penetrate the three inches of iron lining your skull.
WideReceiverSweep, I think of you as a poor man’s IAppreciateIt. That would put you well, well below the poverty line. For Ethiopia.
Bym051d, eating a double cheeseburger McMuffin is more disgusting than a middle-aged man having a gyrating 14-year-old as his avatar.
OGBDeacon07, you stole my username, AmateurHourDeac’s opinions, and apparently LittleReff’s brain. Die in a fire.
TWDeac, I was going to point out how many chicks you could have banged while you were waiting 18 months for those two girls to date you, but then I remembered you play World of Warcraft. Maybe you made the right decision.
Deac dot com dot org, bet it felt shooting down that Ed Jones salesperson. Probably a nice role reversal from hitting on the 200-pound “hotty” in the bar at 1:50 a.m.
NorthGArep, you have a worse sense of humor than the French. Study some Ohio State title game footage to figure out how to make the masses laugh.
Wakegrrl, don’t feel bad about being such an awful sheep, since I’m sure you’d do a great job as a variety of other farm animals. Just watch out for Brangus.
WinkinDeac, all your posts are slobbering over attractive women. Shocking that a creepy old winking dude would have to resort to that.
WakeTheNation08, you’re a worse mafia member than Frankie the Squealer.
IrishSlim, watching ILT break your e-heart was more painful than watching Captain Planet shove you into a hurt locker, but neither is half as painful as watching you post as a shell of yourself.
Deacvision7, I’ll bet you a six-pack you were expecting a better jab than this.
RollTheQuad06, the bunts your kickball team performs are stronger than your posts and go further than your posting career ever will.
Predentdeac, you liked Alice in Wonderland and had by far the creepiest avatar on the boards. Visits to the dentist are scary enough without people like you joining the profession.
WestEndDeac, over 2000 posts and your lone claim to fame is that you might have baited DeacGrad86 into the board’s biggest meltdown. Way to make the most of those.
Godeacsskinsbravesdawgs, Brown’s the last name, right? Is that how Zzzz’s dick looks after the two of you get together?
DoubleOrNothing, “or”? Going from cheering Wake athletics to working for NC State athletics, I’d say you doubled your nothing.
Sleepy98, congrats on making the creeper hall of fame in record time. It was even faster than you usually die in mafia.
ShoosheskiShmoosheski, your go-to insult is to comment on someone’s penis size. I’ll let everyone draw their own conclusions from that.
LadyDeac03, that was Lady Gaga’s second choice of stage names.
SkinsNDeacs, seen the new Happy Appy campaign? App State is “Woot, woot, woot!”
HeelsNDeacs, black bears are better than grizzly bears, Wake is better than UNC, and your twin is a better poster than you. Looks like you peaked when you were eight years old and weren’t the one sobbing and wiping your eyes at a town hall.
WakeForestIndy, those archaeological finds you post about are less stale and decrepit than your posting style.
Bishop85, I bet your tears have been flowing like the Seattle rain since your boy Carroll left. Now Smidgesprink’s football team is going to own USC worse than he owns you on the boards. And by Smidgesprink’s team, I mean UNCC, not Alabama.
Deacphan, Jim Rice called. His statistical analysis says you suck.
BlowSensBlow, liked your posts about sin and punishment. You must have done some awful **** as a kid to be a Bills and Wake fan.
WFRoadWarrior, it’s interesting that you post so much about hockey and soccer. Fitting that an irrelevant poster would spend so much time on irrelevant sports.
Smidger, nice story about those blue motorcycle drinks. Now you have an idea of how drunk your dad had to be to get anywhere near your mom. Just kidding. We all know she was raped by a horse.
IODeac, I’m guessing the “IO” stands for “whiney *****.”
IAppreciateIt, maybe instead of whining about the packline defense you should start teaching any kind of defense to your boys the black rhinos, before they go the way of your mafia skills.
DCDeac, you're a dork. And you're an unfunny one at that. Why don't you and the rest of your 99 pound weakling club all go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons and watching Star Trek reruns on your fifteen TVs so you can scramble to the boards any time a TV thread comes up?
WakeGal, instead of sending all those survival kits to your undergrad mentees, maybe you should save one for your posting career. Hope it has a defibrillator.
DeacinBama, you can’t tell the difference between Oahu and Alabama. Did you graduate from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
Ellisat2, my dog could have solved most of your computer problems. Of course, he also probably could have graduated from Ole Miss Law. Call it a push.
BackToBack, you are to doctors what Ph is to teachers. I wouldn’t trust you to remove a hangnail.
Ibleedblackandgold, you watch shows about spouses comparing their number of sexual partners, want to see a reality show about a house full of Eskimo sisters, and show an unnatural interest in Doofus’s and Numbers’s sex life. Congratulations, you just wrestled the sexual deviant tag away from BallStateDeac.
DeaconCav06, you graduated from UVA Law, are an attorney, and advocate wearing bow ties and seersucker. Yeah, I bet you’re not a *********.
BrianFellows, for someone who hates cops so much, you sure like playing fashion police. Here’s a tip: next time you feel like starting a poster call-out thread, why don’t you just describe those bunched-up panties you’ve got on instead?
AnonymousDeac, LightningGirl was the most embarrassing failed attempt at parody ever. You know you suck when you can’t even pwn yourself.
WakeTheUniverse, seriously, who the hell are you?
Coach O, more hot chick threads, less bragging about casualty insurance. Trust me on that one.
Qcdeac, your ****** performance cost Chuck Bass the Sheep title. Too bad they didn’t check your passport before letting you in.
Tsywake, all your posts are about tailgating, how you need to lose weight, your trailer, and firefighting. Who let you off the set of King of the Hill?
NazTDeac, the tanning bed puts up a better fight against Gminski than you do. Way to get owned by the world tallest oompa loompa.
ImTheCaptain, ooh, a cat-loving, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies.
Vtwhatchettbwfu, snitChos get snitches.
DemonWolverine, country music is less dead than the integrity of Michigan’s athletic department following the hiring of Dick Rod.
HeltonCreek, if it weren’t for your pornographic avatar, you would be known as the guy who yelled at Colin Powell. I guess smut-peddling is an upgrade.
DemonDKE, you’re like the Dane Cook of the boards, only without the nuance, subtlety, and originality. Also, Dane doesn’t have a colleague telling the world where and how often he’s banged Cook’s sister.
Deacons724, you’re the only person in the world who likes the Bud Light “hanging off a cliff” commercial. Too bad you weren’t in that situation hypothetically. And by “hypothetically,” I mean in real life.
Liquid Karma, you have all the tailgating and grilling skills I would expect from a native Alaskan.
TheReff, you officiate middle school girls’ games. Middle school girls. On the plus side, that’s probably a couple of notches higher on the referee hierarchy than your rank in the message board hierarchy. Of course, so would officiating the Cadavers’ League.
Crapshootdeac, I can see why you needed that avatar to let out a little aggression, since it appears to be a complete role reversal of you and your wife, who owns you in every category that matters in life, NC over Oregon-style. Work on the pimp hand, you pansy.
Freakadeac, I was going to send you this in a frilly pink Spongebob diary, but the kids on my hall stole it and are busy making photocopies. Smoochy smoochy, Krabby Patty.
Timdunkandthefunk, your dog has a cooler name than you, beats you in tug of war, apparently took over your account for mafia games last year, and could probably graduate from Wake faster than you.
SmooveDeac, I hope you get casted to play all the worst villains in your musicals. Based on your Diplomacy treachery, you’re a natural fit. That, and because you’re black.
Hoopschick, if it weren’t for me, nobody on this board would know who you are. If it weren’t for Billy Packer, your heart would still be intact. Sheep giveth, and Sheep taketh away.
Tvcigar2, you’re a NazT groupie. Instead of following around a legendary musical group holding a blunt, you’re following a tie-dye clad maniac toting around a camera. Good career choice.
Demonio diacono, when you’re old enough to have sired current students, it’s time to stop sitting in their section. When you’re breathing, it’s time to stop wearing a mustard jacket.
CheesePritchard? More like “Cheese Pizza kicked my ass.”
Reginator, after your Sheep failure, the only sandwich you’ll be getting is from PTown and DUnit after they find you passed out in the Groves parking lot.
WF03, the UN says Norway is the best country to live in. Quality of message board posters must not be a consideration in that determination.
WakeForestUniversityStudent, loved you justifying a rant by saying, “You made the tiger come out of the cage.” Considering you go to UVA Law, I’d say “You made the ***** come out of the closet” would be more accurate.
Mersk862, not even someone who flies as much as you is high enough to be a Yankees and Patriots fan.
Wakephan09, you’re the Robin to Townie’s Batman. At least we know the board is safe from any invasions by non-Oxford comma using literary hacks who could be manhandled by a smoker and a long-distance running stringbean.
Ezdeacz, nice Bible posts. Why don’t you just prove how it all works by trying a reenactment of Jonah and the whale and jumping in a vat with a few of those animals in your “Killerest Sea Animal” tournament.
WFootballSchool, you tutor for the SAT and then start threads about Hot Tub Time Machine. I hope “refund” and “warranty” are two of those vocabulary words you teach the kids.
16hockey, tough luck on the failed election bid. At least you got about as big a percentage of the vote as didn’t vote for BKF when he ran unopposed for office. That’s actually a compliment.
Paladeac, hope you made a bigger impression on that Buick than you do on this board.
Nublethunter, one great victory over hoopschick in the SheePA, and then a career full of failures. I can see why they call you Bragg.
Xmandeac, your mutant powers must be suckiness and forgettability.
RaleighDeacon, you’re single, live in Raleigh, and still couldn’t get with LBE. At least there are plenty of local options when you resign yourself to the Brangus route.
OrangeTerrapin, I bet you were a great Burger King employee. After all your practice flipping cars and burning couches as a Maryland fan, doing the same to burgers must have been no sweat.
Wake20, enjoy being a lawyer in Alabama. You’ll be a natural fit for whatever stereotype anyone can conjure up from those two items.
BostonWFU, A-Rod crushed Kate Hudson and your city. For the encore, he’ll be sitting next to you on the subway and blaring Lady Gaga.
Norcaldeac, based on that foliage in your picture, I’d say you’re located in the lower tier of mafia players. Right below Ph.
Nomadictendencies, you’re Matt’s brother. Ha!
RacerDeac, great posts about tailgating. No, really, prattling on and on and on about “Almost Gold” is almost cool.
Lokisapocalypse, your biggest fan on here is an imaginary 6-year-old girl. You’d be more popular if you could move past imitating old threads and start imitating posting styles: Numbers’s from last week would be a good start.
Milhouse, you’re not a nerd. Nerds are smart. They also don’t post pictures of Jews who are better-looking than they are.
Baconwfu, the male version of AWAR, constantly telling us that girls aren’t hot. Maybe we should give your opinion more weight. Based on your avatar, you should know ugly better than anyone.
DentedDeacon, watching people clip their nails at work is less disgusting than reading about your degenerative health conditions.
BillyJenkins, when most people want to succeed at something, they pick someone in the top of their field to emulate and try to overtake. You chose Smidger. Keep striving.
WakeBDer, the band version of demonio, only since you want to be called Papa DJ, your coat is probably purple and has pockets stuffed with candy.
WindyCityDeac, playing grab ass in Tampa, you were either going to end up with guys busting your face or busting on it. There was never any hope.
DeacHawk, I can remember maybe three of your posts, and I already want to sucker-punch you.
Bojanglefunk, on the one hand you speak German and post pictures of the Third Reich, on the other hand you go to Duke and drive away black basketball players from our program. Nice role models, Adolf Kazooski.
Siff42, you should be the world’s first reverse-advice columnist. You ask a question, people call in, and then you ***** them out when they give you advice you don’t like. It’ll be as big of a hit as your daughter at a (Game) **** party.
JDawgBBall9, nice picture of you and your baseball team playing in the dirt. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of experience with that, since given your taste in girls, you’ve never seen grass on the field.
Yodeacsgo, maybe the zombie invasion is already here, because something apparently ate your brain. I tried to call and warn you, but my speakerphone wouldn’t work.
DemunDeacon, the water tower still sucks. Add some vinegar to it, though, and maybe you’ll only be the second-biggest ****** in Winston.
Say Hey Deac, love your RJ-Ph scenarios. How’s this one? A soccer-playing monkey and John Bunting have to make a good post to stop toxic gas leaking into their apartment. Three hours later, they’re both dead.
DeacdeTejas, why don’t you work on “Conquering” actually showing up on the first day of mafia games where you’re the cop?
DDeac08, I imagine your reaction to the guy who wanted to know where to find authentic Maryland crab cakes at a red lobster was similar to what mine would be if someone asked me where to find a good post of yours.
Ipitytheblue, after seeing your hippy hair on the reveal yourself thread, I’ll pity your barber.
DirtySouthDeac, got to feel bad for a guy living with a flood of estrogen. Still better than a flood that fills up your basement and ruins your car, amirite?
NorthernDeac, used to have the great Rachel Bilson avatar. Your chances of getting with her are about the same of you running a decent mafia game.
DrewMarkham1999, you scan Wake games for footage of Greenman’s package. It must be a riot when you, JDawg, and BSD get together to watch the DVDs you take of your students in class.
WakeUp08, you’ve drained more shots in one bar review session than the guy in your avatar has in four years here.
Turftoega, I would say you’re like the Kim Jong Il of the boards, but I’d be afraid he might sue me. You also don’t have his golf game.
Tiltdeac, you lost to Hoopschick. We’re sitting here, and you’re supposed to be the premier Sheep player, and we’re talking about hoopschick. I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about hoopschick, not a man, not a man, not a man, but we’re talking about hoopschick. Not the game that you go out there and die for and play every game like it’s your last but we’re talking about hoopschick man. How silly is that?
Chrispy, you know what’s more interesting than reading a statistical analysis for every one of your posts? I didn’t think you did.
Deacsfan27, on a board where TheReff, Grobeskinner, Barakat, and Fusiondad post, you’re the one they call Doofus. That’s like being the scrawniest guy at Wake, the designated bunter on a team full of girls, or the junior member of a start-up Wake Forest blog.
BOOM, ROASTED.
Notes and addenda:
1. If you're not listed, you're not one of the Quad's 152 most relevant posters. Sorry.
2. This took me about 3 weeks. Had to speed up the end of it to be in time for the poster tournament.
3. I do not save posts, except when someone completely flips their shift, Saneff-style. All references were taken from memory, although there could be a few misattributions in there.
4. If you get offended over this, you suck.
5. Freekn changed his avatar after I wrote his. He already sucks.
