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Pit Olympics- The Roast REVEALED

JDawg

JDawg

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I'm posting this thread early so that you guys can read along at your leisure. However, this thread is locked because there will be NO DISCUSSION about any specific roast until the results are revealed. That included in any other threads on this board. I'll reveal the countries doing each roast as the results get posted.

To recap, the rules:

The rules for this event are simple- write up no more than 1,000 words roasting the country I randomly assign. The word limit is there to make sure entries aren't excessively long, but don't make your entry long if its unnecessary and won't be funny. I will PM the captains which country you will be roasting. You MUST include each participant from the country you are roasting. When your roast is ready to be submitted, PM it to me and I will post them all anonymously at the appropriate time. Anybody may work on this event and PMs do not need to be from the captain, just have the following as your title: "(Your country) roasting (opposing country)". The judging panel will grade and rank each roast and I will compile and reveal the results and which roast is done by which country. Judges will remain anonymous by me but can reveal themselves after the judging is completed if they wish. Feel free to include others in your roast besides the opposing country, but the main subject of your roast MUST be the seven members from the assigned country.

Presentation can be whatever you prefer, there are a few methods. To present you with an idea of two methods, there are the one-liners as demonstrated by OGB in this milestone post on that other site or more of a paragraph format like I presented at the bottom of this page. If you are doing the one-liner method, be VERY careful that your opposing team remains the main subject of your post.

And now the roasts revealed in alphabetical order of the countries being roasted, the roasting countries will remain anonymous until the results are posted.
 
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#1: Greece roasts Australia

We get to roast Australia? You need not look further than the draft to know this team was going to fail worse than Tony Wood’s couples’ counseling sessions. I see why Dv7 picked Australia though, he definitely resonates with a bunch of people England don’t want in their country.

You start off with an Aaron Curry bad 1st round pick in SD3. I mean, at least people thought Curry wouldn’t be an embarrassment to Wake Forest. SD3 though? Well, we’ve seen how that’s played out. I don’t know how they do it in footy land but if the goal is to find someone that could literally disappear without anyone noticing, you win. I mean what do we know about him? He looks like he was pulled straight from the Lollipop Guild and then tried to use a Wake Forest internet board to find an internship. News flash, if DeaconCav can’t get a job after 27 years of school and sucking dick during summer internships, you sure as hell aren’t going to have success with your marketing/communications/bullshit degree. It’s cool though, the world needs ditch diggers too.

Sticking with meaningless majors and jobs, you pick PH? Seriously, someone needs to give PH a mirror in this year’s Christmas exchange because surprise, you’re black, bro. No matter how many years of school at places like Wake Forest and Duke, despite creating a message board name announcing you have a PHD, no matter how many black athletes at Wake you belittle, no matter how big your action figure “collection” is, you can’t outrun your skin color.

Speaking of not using condoms, who would have thought that forcing a biddie back at Wake to pick up free condoms at Student Health would come back to haunt you? Huh, LiquidKarma? Didn’t expect that same girl to end up on a message board 12 years later posting pictures of her cats and tits? Should have taken your lazy ass to Walmart and sprung for some Trojans rather than that extra cream puff. No surprise that you’ve already got a couple rascals running around. Thanks for disproving the myth about girls not being able to get preggo while on top. No fucking way you guys were able to conceive a child in any other position! I get that telling you to pick on someone your own size is worthless, but what kind of a person gains pleasure from getting some skinny kid to die of alcohol poisoning to prove your manliness through drinking competitions? Ehh, who wouldn’t want to see Nonny folded over a chair puking again? Good job.

Now if SD3 wasn’t irrelevant enough of a pick, you select Smoove? White man’s guilt alert! How is it going anyways, Smoove? Still writing that screenplay? Protagonist overcomes his past and southern roots to make it big out in Hollywood? Oh, how did I know about that? Because every washed up actor thinks he’s got that special screenplay that’ll make him big. I’d recommend you maybe hire an acting coach or lessons, but we know you’re cheap. You’re 35, and you stick your parents with an $800 nightclub bill in Vegas and brag? That’s some real sad BeachBumDeac shit there. Feel free to PM Chris as I’m sure he can give you advice on selling your old toaster online.

I’m trying to think of the strategy for your next pick, DeaconPeach. You must have thought we were having some county fair events or something. I mean the only thing anyone knows about DeaconPeach is she’s a semi-functioning, beer-obsessed, alcoholic married to Wolf1297. Sure, I could use his real name, but why? Every other post mentions how “Wolf1297 and I played Parcheesi today!” or how “Wolf1297 proposed to me after playing a romantic game of 8-ball.” Hm, what are signs he’s just not that into you? I mean, a proposal over 8-ball? What happened? Did the bowling alley have league night so that was plan B? Wolf, maybe with your next wife, you can upgrade to a romantic corn maze proposal.

I wish I even knew anything about Star Trek to make fun of ITC but I guess I was too busy not bring a complete dweeb. Props on tying down that wife of yours, though. You should really let her loose every once in a while to get some fresh air, because that rope has to be doing some damage to her skin. I mean no way that girl would consensually marry you and allow you to take pics of her tits for a message board scavenger hunt. But just for kicks, I hope the Olympic Committee includes naked Princess Leia with a poster this year, no question you’ve got that already saved in your “Tuesday Night” folder.

Damn, just what a horrible draft you made DV7. I mean did you even look at the competitions? But first things first, YOU’RE NOT FUCKING BRITISH. No matter how many times you say silly redcoat lingo, you’re fucking AMERICAN. YOU WERE BORN IN TEXAS, you stubborn bastard. Your anglophilia is admirable with your unwarranted love of ManU (fuck you, I’ll call it whatever I want). Such a hard team to cheer for with all those struggles they’ve gone through. I’m surprised you’re not rooting for UCONN women’s basketball – it seems to fit right in with your bandwagon ways. The only thing “British” you have going for you is that goofy block head, lumpy shape, and those piss-colored, crooked teeth. Talk about settling, you’re marrying a girl who went to her school prom with BJ FUCKING UPTON. What the hell happened there? There’s Indianapolis settling on Caldwell, there’s Ron Wellman’s settling on [Redacted], and then there’s Getsome being absolutely asinine in settling on you. So do everyone a favor and next time you have a fuckwit, union jackass witticism that you think you have to say, chug some bleach and go play in traffic.
 
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#2: Germany roasts China

Welcome to the roast of China brought to you by the country of Germany. Now this isn’t the first time we have roasted China, our good allies Japan did a lot of Chinese roasting on our behalf back in the 40’s. Now we do take great pleasure in roasting such a shitty country, I mean I don’t know what stinks more their rampant Olympics cheating or their constant cooking of fish in break room microwaves. For a group of people who spend 16 hours a day using their tiny fingers to assemble them, you would think they would have a greater understanding on how a microwave works. The hot stinky air blown out of a microwave cooking an Asian carp is only comparable to WakeUp08’s STD riddled vagina. Lets be honest you don’t escape Greenville, NC without catching something. Now you might be confused and thought Wakeup was a man, well you thought wrong she’s just another domineering bitch of a woman lawyer. Right now she is probably bending over trying to smell her Vag to determine if the stench is mild, or strong enough to sue me for defamation.

Speaking of vaginas, it’s pretty rare for a team to have what normally would have amounted to two aborted fetuses playing for them. This world definitely would have been better off if Doofus and Deacfan2009 didn’t have retarded clones running around. I mean what does Arbysdeac really add to this world except for taking up space, and for awhile a lot of it. Has their ever been a greater juxtaposition between twins. Deacfan2009 went to Wake, has an amazing job, long time girlfriend, and is overall what one would call successful. To counter this, the afterbirth glob of fetal shit that came out with him went to UNC, is unemployed, and broke up with his girlfriend only to get an equally miserable one immediately afterward. If he wasn’t too busy eating his feelings he might accomplish something in this world. Lucky for Deacfan2009 they weren’t conjoined twins, it would have made what he ended up doing a lot harder, moving away and leaving Arbysdeac to wither and die.

Then there is numbers, an equally shitty clone of something better. It’s almost not fair roasting something so frail and sick looking. Apparently he tried out for the part of Steve Rodgers in Captain America and was soundly rejected for being too small, scrawny, and weak. He was told the audience wouldn’t sympathize with something that looked like it was freed from Auschwitz 67 years too late. Every time Arbysdeac’s fat ass looks at him, he starts to hum “I want my Baby back, Baby back, Baby back, Baby back ribs, Chili's Baby back ribs, Barbecue sauce”. I would say things are looking up for numbers but his future is looking just as bleak with his acceptance into a shitty law school. Might as well let Wakeup08 use your protruding ribs as handle bars while she slides her man hating strap-on deep inside you to know how it feels, because you are fucked.

Don’t feel bad you aren’t the only deformed looking one, Appetite looks like a bucked tooth retarded Indian Jesus. If Appetite had come down from the heavens everyone would be wearing a crucified, burned, hanged, disemboweled, decapitated Jesus around their neck because the Roman’s wouldn’t have stopped at crucifixion they would have done everything in their power to put that monster down. In his spare time between braiding his hair and watching the Syfy channel appetite works part time for Dell tech support, helps out around his parents convenience store, and just so we are perfectly clear is not a doctor.

Speaking of a man that needs a doctor, does anyone have more problems than Toogs? First off I don’t know why everyone is nice to him all of a sudden; he is a Maryland Troll who anonymously neg repped the chat thread repeatedly to make his pathetic self feel better. He also is some 6’6 freak of a man that lives and dies by his moderating job on the Suque. If you said half the shit he says over there he would remove it instantly. Speaking of shit, I don’t know who is more full of it, him or his colon spastic dog whose constant diarrhea sprays the carpet, the tile, and the streets of Baltimore daily. Like his god awful dog, Toogs should just be put down. His unhealthy obsession with Jamesda reads like a stalkers guide to gay sex. Let me help diagnose you, you are gay, you love mountain dew, you are jealous Jamesda has a family because you certainly will die alone with zero friends.

Another person that associates with the number zero is Bernbp5 because zero people know who the fuck you are. You have 2,515 posts but apparently not one of them was worth a damn. You must be too busy selling hot dogs at the Orioles games to positively contribute to the boards. Your life is like a combination of Good Will Hunting, Radio, and Moneyball. You have a shit job, you are semi-retarded, and it all happens to somewhat exist in the world of baseball.

Something else that definitely shouldn’t exist is HeltonCreek. That guy has some serious problems. His life is an unfunny episode of Parks and Recreation where he is listed as guy by water cooler #4, that’s how irrelevant he is. He moved from DC to the shit hole Roanoke just so he could be closer to his sister. I’m not saying they hook up, and the first time he consummated this incestual relationship was on the banks of Helton Creek, but I’m also not saying this didn’t happen.

China you may be winning a lot of golds, but under that outer gold is a pile of shit, fuck ups, deformities, and a group that contributes nothing to the boards, and even less to society.

With love,
Germany

P.S. Ahhhh Sowwy, we not sowwy for woasting yu
 
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#3: China roasts Fiji

Well, we're in for some real comedy today -- these 99 lb weaklings are all going to attempt to tell jokes. But let’s begin with our host JDawg. It's telling that in a competition that pitted internet nerds in a hot guys competition and talent show, you being the roastmaster is still what's most out of place. It makes less sense than your lust for curvy teenagers but your real life history of banging plantation housewife look-alikes. No wait, that makes perfect sense.

Good to see Caturday could make it out tonight. Too bad he left when he saw he was seated with RTQ; he was worried she would take out his whole 8-ball with one snort through that beak. Speaking of RTQ, she ran all the way here from home, just over 26 miles. I guess someone told her there would be drunk single guys here.

WakeBDer! What a good guy. All of his loved ones and sex partners are here this afternoon. Oh wait, we're getting word that dogs weren't allowed in tonight. Well, none of BDer's loved ones and sex partners are here, but hey, I'm sure he's still having a good time.

ipity, we've heard you've got a thing for the lovely girl, RidingDeac. We've got some advice -- you're not fooling anyone. You are so gay, even RTQ had the willpower to turn you down. But hey, it gets better -- everyone dies some day. Probably a bit sooner for you than most, considering the inevitability of you getting AIDS from DreaminDeacon.

And there's the lovable loser juice, the embodiment of dedication. This guy moved all the way across the country to take a shitty job just to be closer to the girls he loves. Unfortunately, Capcom HQ is still an ocean away, but at least he's still in the same state as Snookie.

Let's talk about deacfreak07 for a second. It's really is inspiring how close you've coming to reaching your goals...but don't stop now. Eat another ten big macs and take in the butt a few more times from Cam Newton, and you'll truly be the next NazT. You really are a great Deacon fan - you wore that gold and black outfit with the socks and hat to our games, which was just great. The only disappointing thing was that you didn't cover up your face. But seriously though, what a great fan. I remember how they try and force something like Fan-Man down our throats. Anyone with any brains at all should have known that he had no chance to survive when put next to someone like you. And that turned out to be true when you ate him only two weeks after he started. Great idea, Ron Wellman.

And speaking of the premier, let’s all give it up for Mr. Wellman himself, who is sitting over there in the corner. It's been a rough time this past week for Ron, he's been getting a lot of hate from the boards, although he looks awfully pleased right now.....it looks like....Mr. Wellman, are your pants off? Is that an adolescent girl servicing you under your table? My God, Ron, you've made plenty poor decisions before, but this is outrageously unacceptable. Ugh, first JDawg, now Premier Wellman, too. Just leave right now.

Oh, never mind, that's just doofus. Sorry Ron, I guess. Doofus, where has your life taken you? I suppose it's really not that surprising, considering the fate of most sub-par philosophy majors right after wake. I guess it was between Wellman's personal "mailroom" and the mines of Moria. I hope he's paying you, doofy. And juice, we all see you jacking off to your wallet picture of Chun-Li.

Unfortunately, now we have to get to the only thing even more disgusting than the visuals we just saw--it's even more disgusting than jamesda's parenting. DeaconSlim, the only reason you are last was that we were hoping you'd kill yourself before we had to even think about you. Alas, you are still here. We'd call you Mr. Irrelevant, but we really didn't want to insult the likes of Chandler Harnish, last pick of the 2012 NFL draft. After all, he was picked over hundreds over others, while you, well, your country didn't have a choice -- they were forced to take you. Slim, they say that money can't buy taste. That's probably good news for you since you have no money anyway. And we've got more good news, in the form of some advice, from the old sage George Costanza. Heed what he says lad, and you'll be on your way.

"It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat.....its wrong."

But enough's enough, talking about you losers is depressing. Time for me to pound some scotch and mercy fuck RTQ.
 
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#4: Rome roasts Germany

MARQUEE MOON
And now next to the roast stage at the 8th Annual Haters Ball is the baldest baldie that ever balded, Buckets K. Awesome.

BUCKETS swaggers up to the stage, looking dapper of course. He puts each hand on the side of the podium of blankly stares in the crowd. There’s an awkward silence as the crowd anxiously waits for him to start talking.

BUCKETS
Oh sorry guys, that empty vapid stare was just my impression of the German team. Who has even heard of half of this team? MCtheDeac? Great pick Germany, I’m sure the person who has fourteen posts outside of signing up for the Olympics is a great contributor. All we know is that she has a hot sister and is currently living in sin with someone getting the milk for free.

Speaking of the price of milk, looks like good ole HailtotheDeacons is in the building tonight. The man who wasted no time at all locking down his milk supply for the long haul. I wanted to thank you for tainting the good Deacon name with the stink of the Redskins rally cry. Well… the secondary Redskins rally cry after actual sobbing from sucking ass another season.

Uh oh, Thinkingwithmydeac is on his second pint of whipped cream vodka. Looks like things are gonna get crazy. That reminds me, Thinking would like me to ask if anyone has a tampon he could use; he's just run out. You can find him in the restroom “rustling jimmies”. In his mouth. And by jimmies I mean balls.

A lot of posters seem to think lbE is a complicated individual. Is she an outdoors tomboy or a Leslie Knope wannabe? Is she bicycle of the boards or the devoted girlfriend that moves across the country with her boyfriend and then complains about it every day? I think we have it all wrong and she’s pretty simple to understand, she either has Jason and REI coming out of her mouth or Jason in REI coming in her mouth.

I’m going to wait a second for Manifest’s erection to subside so rj=mj can actually see the stage. I have often wondered whether Manifest’s spontaneous boners were hereditary but it is hard to tell with his brother Brasky because he’s often too numb from drinking and weeping on the phone to his ex-girlfriend to actually feel aroused. I’m sure many of you know that Brasky has lost over 100 pounds in the last few years. It took a lot of discipline, eating right, exercising, and of course losing his manhood and self-dignity to the few women in the world who decided to sleep with him. We’re still not sure why Brasky was selected as an Olympics team captain since this is the same guy that couldn’t pass classes at Alabama or get laid living in Charleston. What are the odds that they even submit a roast for this event?

We’d really like to thank JDawg for organizing this. How creative that you put AWAR up against her husband. We really don’t know what we were expecting based on the way you’ve run the games so far. Even other government employees are embarrassed by your level of incompetence.

Oh, I almost forgot the rest of the no names on Team Germany:
Wfu03’s posts are 50% Mafia threads, 40% soccer threads, and 10% nerdy stuff... but 100% boring. All we know about him is that he lives in Norway so I have to assume that he hates America and loves Socialism. You would think that for somebody with a post count as high as yours we’d be able to come up with something better but to be honest, you’re kinda unremarkable. And DaDeac diddles himself to Will Smith records, so welcome to Miami, bitches.

Rome, OUT.
 
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#5: Oklahoma roasts Greece

Twas the Night Before The Olympics

Twas the night before the Olympics, when all through the Pit

Team Greece was assembled and no one gave a shit

Hello drafted his team from his computer with care

Not knowing the mighty Cherokee would scalp their heads bare



Nonny talks like a player, fucking a new girl every night

Working for the Lightning will surely get your game tight

Oh you can be assured, Nonny's in Vegas playing rich

He just bet $1000, his car, his watch and Barpet his bitch



When out on the quad there arose such a clatter,

Its Bonjangle funk correcting law shit that dont matter.

Away to Durham he flew like a flash,

Tracked down Coach K's dong to plug up his ass



He entered the Hot Guys contest, his shit just wouldnt fly

You'd expect alot more from the social chair Wake's Date a Guy

Its so hard to be mean to Hello and Raise, thats a a fact

I guess its cause Brasky and Eagles Legend wont love them back



Nonny's moving to Richmond, the land without tabes,

but no worries for him -- more fictional babes!

Palma has a steady hookup, but she's never met the gents,

they fuck in the motel, she lives with her parents!

wfudkn or whatever the fuck is his name,

poor bastard routinely wins cooking contests online and that's kinda lame.




From up in the North in a land far away,

came a sweet basement poster who wanted to play.

Raise high the black and gold in his dinosaur pants,

brought his bags of doritos and came to the dance.


Appropriately enough Hello named his team Greece,

all sleezy and sneaky and on board to cheat.

The only group worse are those smug ass Chinese

I guess when you're so short, it's not too far to get on your knees



Now Hello! now, Palma! now, Nonny oh Fuck!

On, Bojangles! He's coming with his pussy ass truck!

To the ends of the quad! To the top of Wait!

Enjoy faggy ass Parthenon and your failed, runied state!
 
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#6: Fiji roasts Oklahoma/Cherokee Nation

Cherokee Nation led by the ever-aloof Manifest Destiny. When it was announced that Manifest would be a team captain, the collective groan from the Pit could even be heard by current Cherokee leader, Chief Nobody-gives-a-fuck. I've heard that Manifest aspires to be the most adored "famous" member of the Cherokee nation, Rear Admiral Joseph J. Clark. No one will be shocked when Manifest reaches Rear Admiral status (NTTAWWT). FYI: Just because you call it fire water, doesn’t mean it tastes anything less like your own piss.

Wakephan, how the once-tall oak falls (you like that Spirit of the Wind shit?). A team captain last year somehow winds up on the biggest joke of a team this year. Ouch. Britannia weeps for you. Just kidding, Britannia doesn’t give a shit about you. They are too busy celebrating being ruled by some ancient queefer.

Awakeknight, what an insignificant poster. I see you're still playing Mafia. That's cool man. Keep fighting the good fight. I'm sure the Maryland posters think you are as worthless as we do around here. Somehow it seems fitting that your second home is called the Suque.

df2009, remember when the fat twin killed it in the hot guys contest? Wait, it actually appears that the UNC brother is performing better than you in virtually every event. My how the tables have turned. But don't worry, you keep rockin that mustache because it's doing you a whole lot of good. I know your CRAZY ZAWESOME!!!! job is probably limiting your participation. Have fun writing code until 3:00am. Yea, sounds like a blast! Next time you take a vacation try not to drown in the discharge from the 13-year-old cherries you are surely busting with that stache.

QT4KU, Might as well be QT4STD. If she jumps men like she jumps message boards she could give Rihanna a run for her money in the vag disease category. Don't worry, I'm sure Manifest didn't give you anything he has. He seems like an upstanding guy who always uses protection. I doubt he is capable of spelling STD anyway.

Speaking of the unclean, Nova, you might want to check on your GF. That itching and burning you've experienced isn't from fleas and ticks from animals at the shelter. I can guarantee you that. Probably from her switching from the trumpet to the rusty trombone.

I was asked to write something about The Evil Deacon. My natural first response was “who the fuck is that guy?” So I did a bit of digging. He predicted he would be Mr. Irrelevant in the Olympics selection. How appropriate. You ARE Mr. Fucking Irrelevant.

wakephan and nova, don't you know that Cherokee superstition is that a picture steals your soul. Sorry about that. I'm sure the person at the Wal-mart photo studio didn't tell you that. Maybe if you have 3-D glasses on, they protect your soul. They certainly doesn't protect your dignity cause that shit is gone baby gone.

The Fijian Islands would like to offer some traditional Indian names to our Cherokee brethren:

Manifest: He who sleeps with the dirty ones
Wakephan: Incontinent Warrior
Awake: Chaser of Men
Df2009: Fish who drowns in small ponds
QT4KU: Burns when pees
Nova: Chief Lays with Dogs
Evil Deacon: Runs from Shadows

Cherokee Nation/Oklahoma, you are that rare breed of team that nobody expects to win and nobody wants to win. Any success you have in this competition is probably due to QT slobbing on JDawg’s bone. My best advice to you: take your wigwams and rain dances and do the rest of the world a favor and go scalp yourselves.
 
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#7: Australia roasts Poland

It is so kind of Poland to welcome me here today to have some fun with them. They haven’t seen a blitzkrieg like I’m about to do to their asses since 1939.

Townie – oh, Chris. I’ll get to you soon enough. I know I have to hurry because you might quit the boards
by the time I’m done.

timdunk – What can I say to you that you would actually take notes and learn from? Shouldn’t your parents have taught you not to take 8 years to graduate from college? Listen, Tommy Boy, being fat and stupid is only adorable to chicks that would allow rj=mj to get his dick wet.

freakadeac – Aren’t you that clown that had a “love book” with his girlfriend? You and your girl incorporated Spongebob or some sick, deprived stuff like that, right? I don’t even need to roast you. Just bringing that back up into everyone’s minds is devastating enough. Christ alive. Next time I see you, remind me to flick you in the fleshy sack where your testicles used to be.

SteelCityDeac – Never, and I repeat NEVER, have I encountered such a hypocritical douche as you are when it comes to your feelings on women. Oh, you’re so into women’s rights? Are you? Are you really? Is that why you make sexist jokes regularly? Or are you only a great feminist campaigner when it suits you? And enough with your ridiculous claims to “hunt hoodrats” already, you hunt about as well as Elmer Fudd. “Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m hunting hoodwats. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.” A regular Casanova you are, slick. Now go and quote some more James Joyce and then fuck yourself with the words.

rj=mj – How I wish you were your boy, Cheese. I’d love to destroy that closeted prick. But since it is you, I’ll just remind you that you are the guy that nobody remembers from a group of 5. We know bish. We know phan. We, sadly, know Cheese. And we unfortunately remember Boom. Is that guy dead by the way? All I know is that he got really damn smug since he graduated. Let me guess. He has some middle management job in Cleveland? Oh, what a coup for him! And you, rj=mj? You like Jim Rome and “pro”-wrestling. A real stellar resume you have going on there, champ. You are the brown stain that leaked out on the panties of your sad, pathetic group after they got raped in the ass by literally any other 5 friends that ever knew each other. Ever. MONTE! SWEET! ALL CAPS WORDS! Twats.

Drew – What’s up, amigo? I wouldn’t normally want to tear into you, but it’s a roast, so what can I do? How many pets do you have? Like 12? Fuck me. They aren’t matchbox cars. Stop collecting them already. And the way you talk about your dogs and how they just do whatever they want in your house. Adopt me as your pet. I’ll shit in your eye and take my treat as a reward gladly. Grow a pair, Patricia. And in case anybody forgot, Drew is also the guy that is kind enough to provide DVDs of all the great Wake Forest sports victories thru the years. All 6 of them. Yippie!

Dreamin – Oh boy. You. Where is RidingDeac? You crushed on that girl so hard. The only person that day dreamed more about being inside her snatch is ipitytheblue. Both of you clowns wanted to hit that more than you wanted to breathe fresh air in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, RD is one good looking lady, but relax already. Uncomfortably starring at a girl when you are “in a relationship” with another (dashionista) can get awkward. Remember when you said that you broke up with her, but you hadn’t told her that yet? (And yes; I just mentioned it – pick up your phone. It’s her.) Next time, don’t be such a fucking coward and just break up with the girl if you don’t want to be with her. RidingDeac will still be there. She’ll be there but she still won’t let you get inside her. But then again, she let that tool that looks like a proboscis monkey have some (I don’t want to mention any names; I’d rather keep it Anonymous), so what do I know? Maybe you’ve got a chance after all? Nah, she’s too classy for some guy that creepily takes pictures at parties while standing in a corner. Stop doing that by the way. It’s weird.

Townie. You fucking emo bastard. Pretentious: That’s a word that comes to mind immediately. You sit there and judge others all while looking like Ted Kaczynski’s evil brother. Here’s a tip, beardy, how about you stop listing crap music that nobody really cares about and instead not bother anybody with your terrible, worthless and annoying preferences? Better yet, forget the word “music” and just don’t comment on that medium ever again. Wow, really? You know of some nobody band that started out in a methane filled garage? That’s really fantastic! Nobody cares. They suck. You suck. Take a shower. And then do more drugs. But stop talking about shitty music all the time. Thanks. But please. Please. Don’t quit the boards again because somebody said something mean to somebody else. Ok, pork chop?

And JDawg, don’t think I forgot about your miserable self. Of all the people to “judge” contests, they selected you. Holy shit. Makes you wonder what other options they exhausted before choosing your dumbass. I would mock how you “ran/judged” Scattergories, but do I really even need to go into that? Nice of you and the rest of the Olympic Council to stick to one set of rules for the entire competition and then make those rules actually stick. Oh wait…

Just more proof of how pointless and idiotic caring about these Olympics would have been. But at least I got to make fun of people, so thanks for that.

Game over. 1,000 words.
 
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#8: Poland roasts Rome

Poland wants to thank Bhutan and JDawg for organizing the roast. In 2006, Bhutan was ranked the 8th happiest country in the world. Not coincidentally, JDawg began his studies at Maryland in 2005. Congrats on dating lbE, but she’s a Phi Mu. Bring some Bojangles and a Cookout shake funnel to a mixer and all aboard to downtown poundtown. Looks like you enjoy wearing their clothes too.

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/2447/meinalkassweatercd5.jpg

Damn you are one greasy dude. How the hell do we have an energy crisis? We shouldn't be drilling in your beloved Alaska, we should be wringing out your clothes and pillows.

And with that, we get into the real reason we're here, to roast the Roman Empire. Sorry judges, we're not going to fellate you individually and offer you a fortune cookie afterwards. Arbysdeac love you long time.

Let's start with the team captain awakeandready. One of the great boards couples in AWAR and HTTD. I can only imagine how riveting their dinner conversation is.

“What did you do today, honeybun?”
“Post on the chat thread, you?”
“Post on the Hattrick thread.”
“I saw that. You rocked Division 987. Such a turn on. I love you so much.”
“I love you more.”

A true Wake Forest wedding:

http://i55.tinypic.com/24g8s43.jpg

‘Til death from adult-onset diabetes do you part. Looks like a lot of unwiped ass in attendance. So why would someone bean HTTD in the head with a toilet paper roll? “Don’t marry a Jersey girl HTTD!” Your state smells like a fart. I probably have to pay a toll for making a comment about Jersey. You are BFF's with smush-smush Snooki. Please embrace that your state sucks and we will slowly forgive you. Maybe.

Next up is DeaconCav. I would make a lawyer joke, but you’d have to practice law for it to apply. I can imagine how your interviews go: “UVA Law, Wake undergrad, strong GPA. Very impressive. However we have decided to continue with the process on account of you being a douche.” So your recent interviewer asked you about financial expectations? I hope you didn't bring up that tax issue. At least your girlfriend learned a valuable lesson; if you are going to gold-dig go for the med or MBA students.

Constant PMS is probably a turn-off to employers as well. But cheer up – some of your brothers’ sloppy seconds are waiting for you back home. That is, if you can cope with awful defects such as being a middle child, or female.

All of your Mad Men posts involve Pete Campbell. I can't help but make the comparisons, although at least Pete scored with the chick from Gilmore Girls. And he has a job. And Alison Brie as a wife. Fuck, I think you are more of a Glen.

And we can’t forget about your partner in crime, Mr. Too Buckets to Fail. You look like Gordon Gekko had sex with Mrs. Potato Head. What’s your deal with penises? You love dick pics, your avatar is a dick pic, you even look like a penis. If you got sunburned and wore a peach turtleneck, Cav would try to shove you up his ass. The only person on the boards that likes cock more than you is DHD.

Hope that Stronglifts 5x5 program is going well for you and Cav. Step back you're squatting kinda close; I feel a little poke coming through (on you). That's a Next reference for everyone not obsessed with 90's bump-and-grind jams. Good luck looking like one of those Engineers from Prometheus. OK enough of the bald jokes; l gotta admit your QLS on LBO's was great. Maybe one day you can become David Rubenstein and buy the Magna Carta. Or better yet, buy a better parody than that lame ass AmateurHourDeac. What's next, ManCardDeac?

Moving on to Vad. You gave Poland props for the hottest women in Europe. However, I question your judgment as your GT goggles would rate Miranda from ‘Sex and the City’ a 9. Better ask Creepy for his input. You single-handedly won the silver in Hot Guys (lord knows WTU didn’t contribute). I’m just glad you grew out of the Derek Zoolander phase:

http://img835.imageshack.us/img835/2987/30419673906828279128196.jpg

Helluva Engineer? C’mon, it’s Helluvan. At least you set up that center for kids who can’t read good (and who wanna learn to do other stuff good too). It’s so great of you to dedicate your time to this project on your days off from Express.

Dashionista, what a great fashion pun. Although after your Vegas conferences StilletHo or SkankTop might be more appropriate. An ideal weekend is hanging out at Tate’s and complaining about all the scummy guys in T-shirts racing into Rec Billiards. But yes, we all sympathize with how you can’t find Mr. Right. Who wouldn't be riveted by subtle-brags about your BMWs and beach houses? I know, can’t mention those in just the singular! What, he doesn't even get a trip to Bermuda out of it?

Sleepy, good grief. You contribute random golf contests to the boards to off-set how much you suck at golf. Congratulations for being named the poster Most Likely to Enter the Sex Offender Registry in an informal poll. At least you contributed rankings of every female poster on the boards. I don’t know what’s bigger, the drop-off of your relevance or the drop-off of RTQ to the #2 chick.

And finally we have WTU.

http://i50.tinypic.com/b97p7p.jpg

Nice Duke tie, I hope you fulfill your dream of fetching Reggie Love's Gatorade. We asked Townie what he knew about WTU, cause he's known the guy for 20 years, and he said "I got nothing. Too boring." At least you shaved that fu-manchu. You look like Joe Flacco with down syndrome. You look like Rosie O'Donnell had sex with this guy:

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/3850/oldguy.jpg

In conclusion I will say this; I hope Rome knocks off China. You got robbed in MSPaint and I hope Facebook buys YouPorn so Buckets and Cav can make monies off their peach turtleneck vid. Polska out.
 
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DISCLAIMER: The above roasts do not reflect the views of JDawg or the rest of the Pit Olympic Council. Each country or author is responsible for the material provided in their roasts. The above have been copied and pasted from PMs provided and not altered except to remove names of the countries performing the roasting until results are revealed.
 
RESULTS:

Poland- GOLD 13 points
Greece- SILVER 10 points
Australia- BRONZE 7 points
Germany- 4th, 5 points
Rome- 5th, 4 points
China- 6th, 3 points
Fiji- 7th, 2 points
Oklahoma- 8th, 1 point
 
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Very unimpressed with the rhyming roast of us. Lots of possible material but just missed the mark completely.

And we spent time discussing whether or not we were being too mean but damn, shit got real on a couple people.
 
JDawg said:
Drew – What’s up, amigo? I wouldn’t normally want to tear into you, but it’s a roast, so what can I do? How many pets do you have? Like 12? Fuck me. They aren’t matchbox cars. Stop collecting them already. And the way you talk about your dogs and how they just do whatever they want in your house. Adopt me as your pet. I’ll shit in your eye and take my treat as a reward gladly. Grow a pair, Patricia.
Click to expand...

Someone mixed up raleigh and drew....
 
Lol I wondered about that but thought maybe I just didn't know much about drew.
 
THINGS I LOVED:

LBE callout
DV7 callout
Townie callout
the RidingDeac drama

Things I thought were factually inaccurate:

Cherokee nation, you had THREE huge targets in me, palma, and nonny. You choked.
 
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