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ChrisPaul3

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So, I know Bobby Flay a little bit... Anyway, that's neither here nor there. This post is about a little personal problem I've been having. My wife is a strict environmentalist (plus, a PETA member and all that shit). That's her deal, like she won't let me read Garfield cause she thinks it's irresponsible to feed cats lasagna. So, on our way home from the That Awkward Moment premiere, I just decked an animal with my minivan, just full on crushed it. I get out of my car pretending to give a shit and realize the little bugger is still alive, so I pick it up (cause my wife is watching and let's just say, I didn't put on my ace tux so I could go home and jerk off), and holy fuck, this thing shoots like 19 quills into me cause it's a motherfucking porcupine. My wife is now crying, she can't bear to see this critter on its deathbed, and she demands I give this thing CPR. No choice. I do it and it hurts like a bitch, plus his mouth tasted like a goddamn sewer, but lo and behold, the fucking thing started coughing, and guess what? I'm a hero. Saved it's spiky little existence. Got rewarded with the best sex of my life. And all the quills in my body actually enhanced the pleasure. Totally worth it.

But here's the problem: Now, it's morning, I'm hungover, and I have a pet porcupine. What do I feed it? Can I let my 3-year old play with it or just my 8-year old? What should I name it? And will it hold a grudge because I crushed it with my minivan, or love me because I snatched it from the jaws of death?
 
Are we sure it is a real porcupine and not an animatronic porcupine that may have been planted on that road by your enemies in the hopes you would do exactly what you did and bring it into your home where it will have free access to all your sensitive financial documents and also learn about your daily pooping schedule that it can use for a variety of nefarious purposes? You could have fallen right into Bobby Flay's trap. To be safe, you should probably cut its head off. Tell your wife you woke up and found it that way and you think Satan may have played a role. Everyone blames Satan for everything, wrongly I might add, so she'll probably buy it.
 
Say Hey Deac said:
Are we sure it is a real porcupine and not an animatronic porcupine that may have been planted on that road by your enemies in the hopes you would do exactly what you did and bring it into your home where it will have free access to all your sensitive financial documents and also learn about your daily pooping schedule that it can use for a variety of nefarious purposes? You could have fallen right into Bobby Flay's trap. To be safe, you should probably cut its head off. Tell your wife you woke up and found it that way and you think Satan may have played a role. Everyone blames Satan for everything, wrongly I might add, so she'll probably buy it.
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Fair question, but here's the deal: If anything in my house is an animatronic enemy sent by Bobby Flay to steal my shit, it's my goddamn wife.

Although, shit, I guess my wife and the porcupine could be cohorts? Fuck me. This is not good...
 
Great story! Sounds like a good tale for MSNBC!
 
I see 2 options:

1. You cut her head off as well. That one might be a little harder to spin, and I do not recommend this option, although Satan is still an adequate scapegoat for most acts of this nature.

2. You send in your own animatronic porcupine to Bobby Flay's house to reconniteur his daily poops. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Worst that happens is he swiftly cuts off the porcupine's head, but I don't know Flay well enough to know how experienced he is in the realm of counter-espionage.
 
I think it's part of Bobby Flay's new hidden camera Porcupine show, Boy Meets Quill
 
tbird said:
Great story! Sounds like a good tale for MSNBC!
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Wait, tea bird, do you work for MSNBC? If so, I have a ton of ideas. I actually went to grad school for tv making, but ended up becoming a big time surgeon to pay the bills. Here's one just to start off: You MSNBC guys have all these jail shows, right? Then, you also have all these news shows, right? And, what's your biggest criticism? That you're too "biased". PERFECT SOLUTION. Some of the jailed dudes do the news! Like from their cells! Who can be less biased than a jail guy? He probably doesn't even know about ipads or the kardashians or anything, so he's just reacting in the moment to every story! Get back to me on this ASAP.
 
You should definitely bathe it. Probably use a mild detergent and warm water.
 
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CP3, is it possible that Bobby Flay sent in the animatronic porcupine because you botched a surgical procedure on him?
 
Say Hey Deac said:
CP3, is it possible that Bobby Flay sent in the animatronic porcupine because you botched a surgical procedure on him?
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Nah, I actually have a strict policy not to do surgeries on my really good or best friends. BUT I do throw these parties every time I successfully save a life, and BFlay came to one a few weeks ago, and I made my specialty Margaritas (secret ingredient: melted slurpee) and they were so awesome that everyone there, including my buddy Connie Chung, was like "hey wait, who's the chef here?" "bobby, maybe you should put this on the menu?" "hey bob, this is the best thing I ever tasted. suck my dick, you fraud". And Bobby was smiling and being a good sport, but I could tell it stung, like really stung. Here's his best friend who is a great surgeon and a super husband/father/uncle, and all of a sudden, he's an awesome chef too?
 
I don't want to alarm you, but this sounds like a classic Connie Chung frame job. You know how she wrecked Maury Povich's first marriage by telling Maury's wife that Maury thought her favorite shoes were stupid? This sounds suspiciously similar. Drive a wedge, then move in for the kill. She plants the seed with the margarita comment, then plants the animatronic porcupine thinking you'll cut its head off and pin it on Flay. Chung, you wily bitch, what is your angle?
 
Say Hey Deac said:
I don't want to alarm you, but this sounds like a classic Connie Chung frame job. You know how she wrecked Maury Povich's first marriage by telling Maury's wife that Maury thought her favorite shoes were stupid? This sounds suspiciously similar. Drive a wedge, then move in for the kill. She plants the seed with the margarita comment, then plants the animatronic porcupine thinking you'll cut its head off and pin it on Flay. Chung, you wily bitch, what is your angle?
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Well, let me give you some backstory and you can give me a second opinion (doctor's term, Wikipedia it if you don't know it). So, I was surgerying Maury (he's a friend but not a best friend or a really good friend) and Connie storms into the OR and starts crying "NOT MY MAURINGTON, NOT YET, WHY WHY WHY". I'm like "Con, get ahold of yourself!" and we get her out of there. I get back to work, snip a vertebrate here, bonecut a little bit of fibula there, and the next thing you know, Maury's ready to tell a midget that his father's a tranny.

So, I go out to the waiting room and Con is sitting there with fucking Flay, just yucking it up like a couple of pigeons at a garbage dump. Love them both to death, two of my best friends on satan's green earth, but not what I'm expecting at all. She sees me and suddenly, her face changes. She's back to crying again. I tell her the good news and she hugs me like I've never been hugged before, but out of the corner of my eye, I look at Flay and I see him mouth the words "this motherfucking surgical genius fucks me again".
 
The fact that you operated on Maury comes as no surprise and is just as I suspected. No doubt you have eaten Indian food recently as well.

If it's not too late, do NOT cut the head off that porcupine. It's just what Maury wants you to do. Pin it on Satan, because Lord knows every time an animal gets it's head cut off anywhere in America, Satan is to blame. Maury's ratings soar. Chung and Flay get their comeuppance and ChrisPaul3 is the patsy. Not today.

The porcupine, did you already name it? We need to think strategically about this. I read an article once about how if you name something wrong, it may never get called back for job interviews.
 
Say Hey Deac said:
The fact that you operated on Maury comes as no surprise and is just as I suspected. No doubt you have eaten Indian food recently as well.

If it's not too late, do NOT cut the head off that porcupine. It's just what Maury wants you to do. Pin it on Satan, because Lord knows every time an animal gets it's head cut off anywhere in America, Satan is to blame. Maury's ratings soar. Chung and Flay get their comeuppance and ChrisPaul3 is the patsy. Not today.

The porcupine, did you already name it? We need to think strategically about this. I read an article once about how if you name something wrong, it may never get called back for job interviews.
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I named him Quilliam McKinley
 
Fuck, man. My wife had to go to watch The Hours (directors cut) with her girlfriends, so I was left with Quilliam McKinley all day. Of course, you can probably guess what happened: My pager sounds almost immediately and I've got an emergency surgery to do. Like a serious mega-surgery on a dude's way way insides, what we in the biz call a "blood guzzler". Had to get a leash and bring Quilliam McKinley with me. Of course, he wore scrubs and gloves and everything, but honestly, no matter what you see on tv shows, porcupines should not be in the ER. Did I save the guy anyway? Of course. But Quilliam ate like half his gallbladder when I was sewing together his new liver. Hope he doesn't get an x-ray anytime soon lol. What a day sm-motherfucking-h.
 
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