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How do you tell someone....

Baconwfu

Baconwfu

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...that you don't want to hold their baby.
I was at a superbowl party last night hosted by a friend of mine from grad school and his fiance. There were about 20 people there and aside from a few of his friends that I'd met in passing I didn't know anyone else there. Aside from a few neighbors who were in their 50s I'd guess everyone was between the ages of 28-35 and there were at least 4 babies (3 infants 1 who could walk and say a few words...my guess is 1.5 y/o).
The infants came and went with their mothers but all were there for at least 1/2 of the football game. I'm almost certain I was the only single person there and I think (other than the hosts) I was the only one without a kid. I'd just be kind of standing there talking in a group of 3-5 people and someone would come up with a baby. All the girls would swoon and even the guys would too because most of them had kids or newborns themselves. The baby would make it's way around the group or someone would offer the baby to me...
The exchange would generally go something like this.
Everyone: "awww, what a cute baby"..."they are so precious"....or whatever kind of vomit that comes out of people's mouth when a baby is around.
Me: Oh, yeah...ummm, that's a real cute kid you've got there" trying to be polite but somewhat distant, because I'm thinking in the back of my mind that it's the ugliest crap factory I've seen in a while....and I certainly don't want to hold it.
New Mother/Father: "Yeah, he/she is....greatest thing that ever happened to me" "We're so lucky"...."Generic New Parent Statement"
Me: "Definitely"
New Mother/Father: (extending arms towards me with child in arms) "now just make sure you support his/her head"
Me: "Oh, well..I'm not...uh...Ok..." (what the fuck am I suppose to do with this thing?)....5 seconds later, handing baby back "oh, he/she's going to make mommy/daddy proud one day" (I think it just shit its pants)....Politely but awkwardly disengage conversation.

This happened twice last night...I mean I can understand that people get excited and want to show off their new bundle of joy....but I'm a dude so I don't care about babies....I'm single so I don't care about babies....oh yeah, and you don't freaking know me from Ted Bundy, I know we have a mutual friend and it's a safe environment, but why do you want me to hold your baby?
How do you tell someone that you don't want to hold their baby without potentially upsetting them...does the insanity of New Parenthood blind you from understanding that certain people don't want to hold your baby or would they automatically take offense? Are they just doing it so I don't feel left out? What's the deal
 
Say "Oh, no thank you. You don't want me handling him, I almost dropped a baby once that wasn't mine" while laughing should do the trick.
 
I bet all the parents are concerned about the weird single dude that was trying to hold everyone's babies all night.
 
I guess most of it was that I wasn't really asked if I wanted to hold the baby as much as someone would basically be placing a baby in my arms while instructing me how to hold it....kind of catching me off guard. Had someone just asked I would've probably just said something along the lines of palmab03, but it was kind of one of those things were I didn't want to recoil as if to say....ew, gross, get that thing away from me
 
You must be sending "I want to hold your baby" vibes because I have never offered to have someone hold one of my children with them asking me first, nor have I ever seen this occur.
 
Take the baby, then walk away very slowly, glancing at the nearest exit.





(as an expecting dad, I can not imagine any scenario where I would just hand my child over to someone I barely know, nor would I do without asking.)
 
Just say "No thanks, I'm not into holding babies". I tell my sister that all the time with my niece and nephew.
 
KitchinDeac said:
You must be sending "I want to hold your baby" vibes because I have never offered to have someone hold one of my children with them asking me first, nor have I ever seen this occur.
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That's why I thought it was weird...I mean I guess everyone else was asking so maybe they just got caught up in it....
 
i've literally not moved my hands into position, just let them push the baby against me and kind of ignored it.
 
I run from babies. I have told people before "No thank you. It's nothing against your child, but I don't like holding babies." It has been interesting to see how many individuals will then say "Oh I understand. I used to be that way too."
 
DirtySouthDeacon said:
Just sneeze into your hands and then wipe them on your pants. No words needed.
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This is the right idea but you don't need to go this far... A simple "Oh, I think I am getting a cold", or "I am just getting over a bad cold and fever", or something along those lines while backing up with your hands out in the 'stop' position... should do it with no hurt feelings.
 
KitchinDeac said:
You must be sending "I want to hold your baby" vibes because I have never offered to have someone hold one of my children with them asking me first, nor have I ever seen this occur.
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This - I didn't even let people who asked hold him, it's kind of creepy - why do you want to hold my kid? You can see him fine from where you are, kidnapper.
 
I just say "I'm not good with babies" or some shit. As a parent with a youngster, I don't impose him on anyone else.

People who think their kid is the most amazing/special thing in the world and everyone should hold them/see them are the worst.
 
"I'm drunk" is a cure-all for many of life's challenges.
 
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