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How do you tell someone....

If it's a relative's or friend's baby, I'll hold it. I like kids and love holding/playing with my nieces. However, no to holding the stranger's kid.
 
Say something like, "you know, I think Jerry Sandusky is getting railroaded with that Penn State child rape scandal. He seems like a pretty decent guy to me." Then extend your arms to take the baby while flashing your creepiest smile.
 
ITK said:
Just say "No thanks, I'm not into holding babies". I tell my sister that all the time with my niece and nephew.
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:rulz:
 
My brother's go-to response, which has been effective, is: "Why would I want to hold a baby? The only thing I could do with it is possibly drop it." Just say no and be sure to refer to the baby as "it." That gives people like me, who love to hold babies, more time with the baby.
 
Who are these weirdos handing over their kids? I've definitely straight up told people I had zero interest in holding their babies. I've gone as far as telling people babies are fucking creepy.
 
lalark said:
My brother's go-to response, which has been effective, is: "Why would I want to hold a baby? The only thing I could do with it is possibly drop it." Just say no and be sure to refer to the baby as "it." That gives people like me, who love to hold babies, more time with the baby.
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I catch myself often calling babies "it"s to their parents. That works wonders too!
 
Baconwfu said:
...that you don't want to hold their baby.
I was at a superbowl party last night hosted by a friend of mine from grad school and his fiance. There were about 20 people there and aside from a few of his friends that I'd met in passing I didn't know anyone else there. Aside from a few neighbors who were in their 50s I'd guess everyone was between the ages of 28-35 and there were at least 4 babies (3 infants 1 who could walk and say a few words...my guess is 1.5 y/o).
The infants came and went with their mothers but all were there for at least 1/2 of the football game. I'm almost certain I was the only single person there and I think (other than the hosts) I was the only one without a kid. I'd just be kind of standing there talking in a group of 3-5 people and someone would come up with a baby. All the girls would swoon and even the guys would too because most of them had kids or newborns themselves. The baby would make it's way around the group or someone would offer the baby to me...
The exchange would generally go something like this.
Everyone: "awww, what a cute baby"..."they are so precious"....or whatever kind of vomit that comes out of people's mouth when a baby is around.
Me: Oh, yeah...ummm, that's a real cute kid you've got there" trying to be polite but somewhat distant, because I'm thinking in the back of my mind that it's the ugliest crap factory I've seen in a while....and I certainly don't want to hold it.
New Mother/Father: "Yeah, he/she is....greatest thing that ever happened to me" "We're so lucky"...."Generic New Parent Statement"
Me: "Definitely"
New Mother/Father: (extending arms towards me with child in arms) "now just make sure you support his/her head"
Me: "Oh, well..I'm not...uh...Ok..." (what the fuck am I suppose to do with this thing?)....5 seconds later, handing baby back "oh, he/she's going to make mommy/daddy proud one day" (I think it just shit its pants)....Politely but awkwardly disengage conversation.

This happened twice last night...I mean I can understand that people get excited and want to show off their new bundle of joy....but I'm a dude so I don't care about babies....I'm single so I don't care about babies....oh yeah, and you don't freaking know me from Ted Bundy, I know we have a mutual friend and it's a safe environment, but why do you want me to hold your baby?
How do you tell someone that you don't want to hold their baby without potentially upsetting them...does the insanity of New Parenthood blind you from understanding that certain people don't want to hold your baby or would they automatically take offense? Are they just doing it so I don't feel left out? What's the deal
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with that attitude about kids your likely never to have one.
 
I was never really exposed to babies, being the youngest person in my extended family and an only child. As a result, I didn't have much of a chance to interact with them when I was growing up. Now two of my cousins that I see pretty regularly have children. I don't mind them or anything, but they always want me to hold them or look at them or whatever the hell people do to babies. I finally just told them it was nothing personal, I just don't really like babies. They stopped bothering me about it.

A lot of friends of friends also have babies. They always try to push the babies off on me, I generally re-direct it via a sidestep to my girlfriend. If she isn't around I just make up some shit if I don't know them at all, or if I know them a little I am honest and tell them I don't want the little pant shitting vomit bag near me.

And to anyone with a baby, I hope that you realize that people who don't have babies really have no interest in when johnny shits his diaper (color, consistency, etc.) or anything else about your kid. Well, some people might, but if they are guys I wonder about them for a variety of reasons. This also applies to the rest of the child's life, so when you are thinking of sending the christmas letter, go ahead and do us all a favor and smash your hand in a car door.
 
Eat the messiest thing you can find. Have it on your hands. You won't get the baby.

Or drink something just before they start passing the babies. If you breathe like a distillery, the baby won't be in your hands.

Just trying to help.
 
captruss24 said:
"I'm drunk" is a cure-all for many of life's challenges.
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Also, works if you get pulled over for speeding.

I hate people who think that by having a baby they're somehow special. You aren't special, your kid isn't special (unless it's retarded) and no one gives a shit about your lousy kid. Your kid isn't going to grow up to be special and most likely you'll do something to turn your kid into a drug addicted, teen parent living pay check to check until you die a meaningless death.
 
Caturday said:
Also, works if you get pulled over for speeding.

I hate people who think that by having a baby they're somehow special. You aren't special, your kid isn't special (unless it's retarded) and no one gives a shit about your lousy kid. Your kid isn't going to grow up to be special and most likely you'll do something to turn your kid into a drug addicted, teen parent living pay check to check until you die a meaningless death.
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And the people that flock to them like they have done something are the worst. OMG x & y are so special because they had sex and a baby resulted. They are even thinking of getting married in a few years!!!!

The sad part is, the flockers are flocking simply out of hope that when they have a kid someone will flock to them and tell them how awesome they are for reproducing.
 
I reproduced once...we flushed it down the fucking toilet and I made the girl give me a blowjob while she was in abortion agony.
 
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