How many children is really appropriate ? It's not a "however many I feel like because it's my body !" Oh no, your breeding takes a toll on our planet. This place is bursting at the seams and adding more mouths to feed places increasing strain on NC State grads who grow all of our food everywhere. However, we need enough new kids to keep our institutions functional and to pay into the Social Security system and change our bedpans.
As conditions on this planet worsen, does having more offspring make you feel good about yourself when you realize that your great grandkids are going to be making iPhones for the Chinese or going to war over water rights as they get sunburned in 20 minutes of exposure to the midday sun ?
So I ask, how many kids is appropriate.
0 (Zero): Fuck this planet ! This place is a shithole and I can't imagine bringing a child into this world under these conditions. Too much pain and agony. Sorry mom, you fucked up bad enough with me ! No grandkids for you ! Besides that, I can't afford it. Well, I guess I could afford it, but I'm much more interested in going on great vacations and retiring at age 50. Also, I don't want that vagina getting all stretched out.
1 (One): Same as above, but I just can't bring myself to not leave my mark on the world by mixing genes with my spouse. Maybe you've done this already and the results were enough to make you stop having children immediately. Of course your kid will be horribly adjusted and self-centered (just like you), but will benefit from the joy of all your intense parenting because he/she gets all of your attention. At least you're doing your bit to keep the local population from exploding and your kid will get all your money when you die and not have to share. The wife's vagina may be stretched, but could recover.
2 (Two): My spouse and I are replacing ourselves in this planet without adding to the strain on it's resources. Of course this sounds like a perfect compromise if you ignore the fact that others are breeding like cockroaches. It's always good to have one other kid to play the other's emotions off of -- the whole "mom always liked you best" dynamic. If one kid winds up hating you (or croaks), you still have a fallback position and hopefully someone who will line up someone to wipe your ass in old age. All that baby shit you bought gets used more than once, assuming you don't wait six years between pregnancies. You'll need a bigger house than options 1 and 2. If you have twins, you're done all at once.
3 (Three): I've always wanted three children? Why ? Because I'm selfish and wish to deplete the world's resources. Also, if one dies, I'll still have two. Third child may be an accident. Another possibility: you're part of some Nazi breeding program and you think that your genes are somehow special and the world needs more of them (trust me, it doesn't). This could be useful though if we wind up in a war with a bigger, better organized, breeding program. You know what they say about the middle child and now you've forced them to live with it for their whole lives due to your own selfishness. Maybe you had twins with one of the pregnancies, which gives you somewhat of a pass.
4 (Four): I'm Catholic. I probably would have used a condom or had multiple abortions, but I don't want to go to hell. We tried the rhythm method and pulling out, but the results demand that my spouse and I both drive Suburbans and two kids share a room. At least parochial schools are good in my city, even though the kids are at risk there. The wife's vagina is inexorably stretched. Hopefully with this number of kids, one or two will turn out okay. At least one of them should be a priest or a nun to prevent excessive breeding.
5 - 7 (Five - Seven): I'm Mormon. No one understands me, but I have to populate the planet with white people, as well as my own galaxy. I don't care about this planet. Period. I've got a more universal view.
8+ (Eight plus): I want to be on a reality TV show. I am a useless human being.
Doofus/Numbers: parental regret, childhood sterilization. Eugenics is bad, but sometimes . . .
As conditions on this planet worsen, does having more offspring make you feel good about yourself when you realize that your great grandkids are going to be making iPhones for the Chinese or going to war over water rights as they get sunburned in 20 minutes of exposure to the midday sun ?
So I ask, how many kids is appropriate.
0 (Zero): Fuck this planet ! This place is a shithole and I can't imagine bringing a child into this world under these conditions. Too much pain and agony. Sorry mom, you fucked up bad enough with me ! No grandkids for you ! Besides that, I can't afford it. Well, I guess I could afford it, but I'm much more interested in going on great vacations and retiring at age 50. Also, I don't want that vagina getting all stretched out.
1 (One): Same as above, but I just can't bring myself to not leave my mark on the world by mixing genes with my spouse. Maybe you've done this already and the results were enough to make you stop having children immediately. Of course your kid will be horribly adjusted and self-centered (just like you), but will benefit from the joy of all your intense parenting because he/she gets all of your attention. At least you're doing your bit to keep the local population from exploding and your kid will get all your money when you die and not have to share. The wife's vagina may be stretched, but could recover.
2 (Two): My spouse and I are replacing ourselves in this planet without adding to the strain on it's resources. Of course this sounds like a perfect compromise if you ignore the fact that others are breeding like cockroaches. It's always good to have one other kid to play the other's emotions off of -- the whole "mom always liked you best" dynamic. If one kid winds up hating you (or croaks), you still have a fallback position and hopefully someone who will line up someone to wipe your ass in old age. All that baby shit you bought gets used more than once, assuming you don't wait six years between pregnancies. You'll need a bigger house than options 1 and 2. If you have twins, you're done all at once.
3 (Three): I've always wanted three children? Why ? Because I'm selfish and wish to deplete the world's resources. Also, if one dies, I'll still have two. Third child may be an accident. Another possibility: you're part of some Nazi breeding program and you think that your genes are somehow special and the world needs more of them (trust me, it doesn't). This could be useful though if we wind up in a war with a bigger, better organized, breeding program. You know what they say about the middle child and now you've forced them to live with it for their whole lives due to your own selfishness. Maybe you had twins with one of the pregnancies, which gives you somewhat of a pass.
4 (Four): I'm Catholic. I probably would have used a condom or had multiple abortions, but I don't want to go to hell. We tried the rhythm method and pulling out, but the results demand that my spouse and I both drive Suburbans and two kids share a room. At least parochial schools are good in my city, even though the kids are at risk there. The wife's vagina is inexorably stretched. Hopefully with this number of kids, one or two will turn out okay. At least one of them should be a priest or a nun to prevent excessive breeding.
5 - 7 (Five - Seven): I'm Mormon. No one understands me, but I have to populate the planet with white people, as well as my own galaxy. I don't care about this planet. Period. I've got a more universal view.
8+ (Eight plus): I want to be on a reality TV show. I am a useless human being.
Doofus/Numbers: parental regret, childhood sterilization. Eugenics is bad, but sometimes . . .
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