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When strangers ask you for money/food/etc.

Honestly haven't had it happen many times. Have given cash a couple times. Have bought food a couple times. One time a guy at a gas station near my house asked me for some cash, and I truthfully told him I didn't have any on me. He mentioned that it was starting to turn cold, so I went home, grabbed a coat, and brought it back to him. I understand that I'm in a fortunate position compared to most. I can't help everyone, and sometimes it is easier and more comfortable to just half wave people off (and sometimes I do), but I try to do what I can.
 
I'm on the board and frequently volunteer at Roof Above, a homeless services operation in Charlotte. Over the years I have chosen to give money, but try to keep my wallet in 5s and 10s. I also try to keep a stash of mcdonalds gift cards in the car to hand to the people waiting at traffic lights.

I used to worry that the money would be used for booze or drugs, rather than food, and I'd get cheap. I talked to a guy one day who told me about sleeping inside two of those traffic barrels that you see in construction zones. He pulled them together base to base and crawled inside to sleep; he said it was the only way to keep animals from getting into his stuff or nibbling on him/his clothes at night. Lots of desperate homeless people use drugs and alcohol because it's the only way to cope with the hellscape that is their life, and while I wish it was otherwise, I have decided that the loving thing to do is to give them some cash and encourage them to come see us at Roof Above.
 
Like 3 weeks ago a guy at the gas pump next to me asked for $5 for gas. I figured that was a safe enough bet that it was actually going where he said it was.

That being said, who am I to judge what they're using it for. I don't really think too much one way or the other. If I have cash I'll usually give it to them, but I don't usually carry cash.
 
I rarely have cash on me and usually if I do it's a single $20 and I'm not typically handing out $20s. If I have smaller bills and I have enough advance notice so I'm not pulling out my wallet in front of them then I'll typically give them a couple dollars, but that's pretty rare. There are a number of times where I've offered to buy food and had them say that they only want the cash. I did have a guy during the height of the pandemic ask me outside of my grocery store if I could buy him some basic supplies that he could take down to the shelter (paper towels, TP, soap, laundry detergent and one or two other similar things) and I had no prob buying that stuff for him, though I was a little taken aback by the fact that as soon as I put my card in the machine to pay he pretty much grabbed everything and bolted out of the store without so much as a "thanks".

During nicer weather my wife and I might sit out on our front stoop with cocktails for a change of pace and see all of the many different parts of society walk by, and not infrequently we'll have someone ask for cash and when we say we don't have any they'll ask for a drink. Sometimes they want a coke or water or maybe a beer, but I have had people look at my drink and say "can I have one of those" and so I'll go in and make a manhattan or whatever it is I'm drinking. That's typically met with a degree of happiness that a beer just doesn't get.
 
I keep a bunch of ones in my wallet for just such occasions. I don't care if they are sincere or not and I know a dollar doesn't go a long way but it's not my place to judge.
One of my favorite things to do lately is hand out bottles of water. The ones begging at traffic lights seem to really appreciate that.
 
Ever since 2020, I never seem to have any cash on me. I just don't need it for anything.

I will say that if someone is asking for money, I am judgmental. If I see them smoking, or some other unnecessary vice, I would never give them money. It is clearly a situation of making poor choices by continuing to smoke despite not having the financial fluidity to support that habit. I have, however, bought someone food (or more recently given my leftover pizza I was holding) or on other rare instances bought them a little gas.

Haha, the last time someone asked me for money or the like, I was coming out of a popular sandwich shop and they asked me to go in to buy them their signature sandwich...because of their diabetes (they were in a wheelchair). No lie, it would have taken me 30 minutes to get in line and acquire that sandwich (Turkey/Bacon/Avocado) for them and it seems like they if they were really in a diabetic state, there were better options to get food quicker and healthier choices.

just made me chuckle...
 
I've softened on this quite a bit over the years. Growing up in North Jersey, very much in the NYC sphere of influence, you're conditioned to ignore anything that doesn't have to do with you. If you paid any modicum of attention to every trash can on fire, weird thing happening on the subway, person who tries to talk to you, etc. you would never get anything done so you have to completely ignore it.

I've been away long enough that if someone asks me for cash and I have a few singles I'll give them something. I really don't care what they use it for. If it's for booze, smokes, or whatever so be it. Whatever makes their lives the tiniest bit more comfortable isn't for me to decide and if my life situation led me to having to panhandle at the gas station I'd probably just want to have a beer and feel normal for a minute too. I'll get food too if I'm asked while going into a store too if it's not something outrageous.

There are some frequent fliers in Durham who I don't fuck with at all because they're super aggressive and kind of unhinged, but they're always in the same general parts of town and are well known because of their antics.

The only other time I immediately shut it down is when it's a pretty elaborate hustle. There's this guy in town who has been running this hustle for years at gas stations where he comes up to you in a suit and starts talking about how he's a pastor from Charlotte and needs like $60 to fix his coolant hose so he can get back to his church or something. I respect his tenacity, but he got super pissed at me once when I said something like "damn dude, 8 years is a long time to be stuck here". The crazy part is, without fail, there's a post in the Durham subreddit like once every six months of someone being like "just moved to town and met this nice pastor at the gas station and drove him to an ATM so I could give him $100 to fix his car. Was I scammed?"
 
warak said:
I will say that if someone is asking for money, I am judgmental. If I see them smoking, or some other unnecessary vice, I would never give them money. It is clearly a situation of making poor choices by continuing to smoke despite not having the financial fluidity to support that habit. I have, however, bought someone food (or more recently given my leftover pizza I was holding) or on other rare instances bought them a little gas.
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This oversimplifies things quite a bit in my opinion. Smoking, alcohol, and drugs can be addictive lifestyle elements which many people picked up before they were homeless and begging. There's certainly some amount of financial irresponsibility involved in some of these cases, but addiction is a very real thing and asking people to completely break addictions before receiving help is a lot to ask. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be stuck in a cycle of addiction while knowing that nobody is likely to help you to find stable housing and income until you manage to break that cycle.

As far as "unnecessary vices" that may not be addictive, it seems to me like it lacks compassion to expect people to spend the money they are given only on absolute necessities (food, water, clothing, pursuit of shelter/income, etc.). They are in an incredibly uncomfortable life circumstance, and maybe spending $20 on something they don't need but makes them feel normal is worth it to keep them mentally sane. The $20 that I may give someone is never going to completely fix the problem of food-need or homelessness for a person, so if it just puts a smile on someone's face instead of food in their stomach that's fine with me.
 
seems to me that the hustle and elaborate story turns more people off ( I know it does me) and a more sincere and simple approach would work better, but I guess you figure it ou quick when you are in that situation what works the best?
 
deacon14 said:
This oversimplifies things quite a bit in my opinion. Smoking, alcohol, and drugs can be addictive lifestyle elements which many people picked up before they were homeless and begging. There's certainly some amount of financial irresponsibility involved in some of these cases, but addiction is a very real thing and asking people to completely break addictions before receiving help is a lot to ask. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be stuck in a cycle of addiction while knowing that nobody is likely to help you to find stable housing and income until you manage to break that cycle.

As far as "unnecessary vices" that may not be addictive, it seems to me like it lacks compassion to expect people to spend the money they are given only on absolute necessities (food, water, clothing, pursuit of shelter/income, etc.). They are in an incredibly uncomfortable life circumstance, and maybe spending $20 on something they don't need but makes them feel normal is worth it to keep them mentally sane. The $20 that I may give someone is never going to completely fix the problem of food-need or homelessness for a person, so if it just puts a smile on someone's face instead of food in their stomach that's fine with me.
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like I said, I am judgmental in these situations...jaded I guess.

I come from a family that has had a lot of addition issues. I agree that some of you you might find my opinion as crass, that is ok, it is a learned reaction to a 30+ year family dilemma.
 
Frosty said:
I've softened on this quite a bit over the years. Growing up in North Jersey, very much in the NYC sphere of influence, you're conditioned to ignore anything that doesn't have to do with you. If you paid any modicum of attention to every trash can on fire, weird thing happening on the subway, person who tries to talk to you, etc. you would never get anything done so you have to completely ignore it.

I've been away long enough that if someone asks me for cash and I have a few singles I'll give them something. I really don't care what they use it for. If it's for booze, smokes, or whatever so be it. Whatever makes their lives the tiniest bit more comfortable isn't for me to decide and if my life situation led me to having to panhandle at the gas station I'd probably just want to have a beer and feel normal for a minute too. I'll get food too if I'm asked while going into a store too if it's not something outrageous.

There are some frequent fliers in Durham who I don't fuck with at all because they're super aggressive and kind of unhinged, but they're always in the same general parts of town and are well known because of their antics.

The only other time I immediately shut it down is when it's a pretty elaborate hustle. There's this guy in town who has been running this hustle for years at gas stations where he comes up to you in a suit and starts talking about how he's a pastor from Charlotte and needs like $60 to fix his coolant hose so he can get back to his church or something. I respect his tenacity, but he got super pissed at me once when I said something like "damn dude, 8 years is a long time to be stuck here". The crazy part is, without fail, there's a post in the Durham subreddit like once every six months of someone being like "just moved to town and met this nice pastor at the gas station and drove him to an ATM so I could give him $100 to fix his car. Was I scammed?"
Click to expand...
In Portugal there was a guy that came up to us a couple times while we were out on our walks on Sunday morning. He would say he was Canadian and he was mugged and lost his passport. He only needed a couple bucks to get a bus to join his friends down south. The first time this happened we pointed out that the Canadian embassy was right down the street and they would be able to help him. Every time after that we just told him we had no money.

I sometimes think I give people money too often when they ask, but then I think how I would rather make that mistake then not give it to someone who really needed it.
 
warak said:
like I said, I am judgmental in these situations...jaded I guess.

I come from a family that has had a lot of addition issues. I agree that some of you you might find my opinion as crass, that is ok, it is a learned reaction to a 30+ year family dilemma.
Click to expand...
Any issue with subtraction?
 
I almost never have cash on me, unless I’m using it to buy drugs. At that point my drug habit is more important than theirs.

However, if I’m walking into a gas station or something I’ll buy people a cup of coffee or some food if they ask for it.

Usually keep a bunch of water in the jeep to hand out on hot summer days, and umbrellas for when people are out in the rain. That’s the extent of it.
 
WFcatamount22 said:
Usually keep a bunch of water in the jeep to hand out on hot summer days, and umbrellas for when people are out in the rain. That’s the extent of it.
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i used to do that until i read that under high heat the chemicals in the plastic bottle will leach into the water and become toxic.

good deeds and all...

1668520945963.png
 
I rarely to never give money to people on the street but a few years ago I met a young woman (recent high school graduate, homeless and living in her car) at Walmart. She was desperate because she couldn’t afford a car battery. So I bought her one. i carried it out to her vehicle for her and the hood was up. Not like curing a goth kid or anything but I do hope she has been able to get on her feet.
 
It always depends on how they approach me. Don't give me a fuckin story on needing a couple bucks to catch the bus home. Ask me for food, clothing, drugs or alcohol and I'll help.
 
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