The doctored press release making the rounds right now amongst the blue hairs is fantastic.
I'm on my phone but I'm hoping somebody will post here
Not sure I am a blue hair, but here it is:
This afternoon I met with Jeff [Redacted] for our annual review of the program.
After several cocktails and a fond caress or two, we reviewed Coach [Redacted]’s noteworthy record at WakeForest.
“Jeffy” (as I call him), who was in his fourth year in Winston-Salem, concluded his tenure at WakeForest with an overall record of 51-76 (17-51 in the ACC). Additionally, Jeffy failed to advance to postseason play in his four seasons. Jeffy will likely be remembered by the Deacon faithful for his road woes, where his teams stumbled to a total record of 5-37 including an incredible 2-32 on the road against conference opponents. The lone two wins came against last place teams in the ACC (BostonCollege in 2012, Virginia Tech in 2014).
Jeffy’s overall winning percentage of .401 is the 13th worst in ACC history and the worst ever at Wake Forest for a coach who spent more than two years with the Demon Deacons. Similarly, Jeffy’s regular season ACC record of 17-51 (.250) ranks seventh worst in ACC history for coaches who coached more than one year and only ahead of Bob Staak (.127) in Wake Forest history. Furthermore, Jeffy’s ACC record ranks third worst in ACC history of coaches who spent at least four years in the conference.
Jeffy’s 76 losses over the previous four years are the most losses ever in four years in Wake Forest history.
According to Ken Pomeroy’s rankings, Wake’s record against top 100 teams during Jeffy’s tenure was 14-55 (.202). Wake’s record against teams ranked 101-200 was 13-16 (.448), and Wake’s record against teams ranked worse than 200th was 24-5 (.827). Prior to Jeffy’s arrival in Winston-Salem, Wake lost only five games against teams ranked worse than 100th in the KenPom era (dating back to 2003), Jeffy lost a total of 20 in just four years.
We both agreed that our program is moving in the right direction.
During Jeffy’s tenure at Wake Forest, he has been faced with a number of challenges. While we both understood that Jeffy’s 53 IQ would present some difficulties; he was never violent, and has always been able to follow very simple instructions. Jeffy got his North Carolina drivers license during his tenure at Wake, and he is almost potty trained. We agreed that these are both very important achievements.
However, the straw that broke the camel’s back was the Deacon’s two victories over Notre Dame this season. Wake Forest President Nathan Hatch commented, “Considering that the dumbass lost to cellar-dwellers Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech, the two victories over the Fighting Irish are unforgiveable”. President Hatch further stated, “I want WakeForest to be just like Notre Dame --- not BETTER!”
Consequently, to save my ass, I had to fire Jeffy. While it is certain that Jeffy’s coaching career is toast; to help him save face, I will announce later today that he “resigned”.
The search for a new coach will begin immediately. I have several elementary school buddies, who are currently unemployed, any of whom could do no worse than Jeffy. President Hatch is promoting his favorite candidate, Father O’Malley, CYO Coach of the Year in Philadelphia. And, the Wake Forest trustees suggest that we hire a female coach to promote equal opportunity at the University.
Go Deacs!
