Well, I have a split family so twice the food, twice the obligations, and there are always a lot of moving parts. I do a gathering at my Dad's, and both my brother and his son had new girlfriends around, so you have to be "on" a little more. My stepbrother has an 18 month old, and that's a handful, and my stepmom was coughing herself to death while working herself to near-death (now in the hospital with pneumonia), while still struggling to grieve for her youngest son, my stepbrother who passed away last year, and holidays are always the worst for her. His son was with us, and he's a freshman/soph (I forget) at a high school in Winston where he does not have much in common with anyone and is acting out in various ways. He witnessed his Dad dying (probably some aneurysm not helped by years of booze/hard labor/pain pills(?), but my folks decided not to read the official report) and he is not getting the help he needs, which is kind of killing my stepmom. It's going to be rough for my man to make it out, I think, I'm just hoping he doesn't turn to booze like his dad (RIP).
So that was one half.
My mom, sister (and bro-in-law), and I do another Thanksgiving with family friends. Last year the grandmother/matriarch died so their entire extended family was in town, and this year their grandfather/patriarch died (on what would have been his late wife's birthday), and that happened again. They are like family, so in a way it's not weird, but they aren't actual family and we are hanging around this family event, so I always feel a little out of place. There were like 4 or 5 kids under-5 years old running around, and that is tiring. I had a weird couple-of-month intense flirtation with one of the extended cousins of this family many years ago at a family wedding, and, though we have hung out a few times since, she is seeing someone, etc. it always feels kind of weird to me, a "what if," because we never really did anything. She lives in Minnesota and is like 8 years younger than I am, or something. Almost every time we made eye contact this weekend she winked at me. It was weird and disconcerting. I was disconcerted. Two of my other close friends in this family are alcoholics in recovery, and we always used to go out and booze it, but there was this underlying tension this time around when I and many others were drinking. I talk to both of them, so their parents, who are like surrogate parents to me, are trying to talk to me about what I've heard from them about stuff, because they don't communicate all that well, and, I don't know man, it was a lot to process.
My dad knows this family, too, and he came to the funeral. He's still trying to deal and grieve over the death of his stepson, as well as his own father, my grandfather, four years ago, and reconcile shit. But we talked yesterday after I found out my stepmom was in the hospital, and it felt weird -- like I felt guilty for hanging out with this other family and helping with the service, even though my dad was the deadbeat one during my younger years/teens (he's gotten a lot better, but doesn't express himself well). Anyway, it was actually mostly good, but heavy, and I'm tired.
So I had a panic attack/intense period of reflection/wave of life-guilt one night that I'm still kind of trying to get to grips with. And now back to the real world. Trying not to be too emo, but I'm way too self-aware.