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Bruce Willis

Apparently, Barry loves tuxedos for some reason. He asked me if I knew a good tuxedo store and I said no, and then he got kind of mad about it. He says, "What kind of fucking town doesnt have a goddamn tuxedo store? Are we in goddamn Darfur?." I tried to calm him down and made the mistake of asking him why he needs a tuxedo. And he yells at me "I don't need one, my cat does, you little bitchface." Then he literally ran away from me. Left his car in the Golden Corral parking lot and ran into the woods. Weird fucking guy. No Bruce Willis, thats for sure.
 
Found Barry in the woods. He climbed a small tree and was sitting on one of the branches. I apologized for the tuxedo convo but it was clear he didnt even remember me. The motherfucker asked me if I have change for a dollar when he climbed out of the tree, I gave him 4 quarters, and he just put them in his pocket without giving me a dollar. Anyway, I got him back to his car and he drove off. Strange, strange day. Woke up in a parking lot thinking I was gonna hangout with Bruce Willis, and I ended up knee deep in mud searching through the woods for Jon Barry. Just goes to show you that life will beat the shit out of you if you get complacent.
 
ChrisPaul3 said:
The other weird thing that happened at Golden Corral was that Barry kept yelling pepperjack. Like literally he'd yell it every 3 minutes. Then an employee walks up to him and says "Is there a problem, sir?". He goes "No, I just fucking love pepperjack." The bizarre part was they don't even have pepperjack at Golden Corral. He was eating Swiss cheese.
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Pos repped

Edit: WTF is this you must spread some reputation around before spreading it to chrisPaul3 again bullshit. I haven't repped anyone in like 2 months, fix yo spam filters yo.
 
ChrisPaul3's posts are the message board equivalent of the 12:55 sketches on Saturday Night Live. Those are always my favorites.
 
Fuck, man. I was driving home after I said my goodbye to Barry, thinking about how weird of a day this turned out to be, and guess who's car I see pulled over in the shoulder. Jon fucking Barry's. I pulled up behind him and saw that he was just sitting in the driver's seat with his hands on the steering wheel, so I knocked on the window. He opens it and says "Whats up, bro?". I just asked him what the problem was. He yells at me "I dont have a motherfucking problem, do you?". I calmly explained that I was just worried when I saw him pulled over. He goes "Im not pulled over, Im going 150 right now, you piece of shit. Your gravity and my gravity are different fucking things." Then he rolled up his window and started honking his horn repeatedly for about 10 minutes. No idea what to do about this. Still pulled over behind him...
 
Alright, he's finally moving now. He's going about 15 mph in a 55, but whatever. I just noticed he has a bumper sticker that says "ABORTIONS ARE FOR PUSSIES" with a smiley face. No idea what side of the issue that even comes down on. He also keeps switching lanes for no reason whatsoever. Not sure what the deal is with that. Im gonna follow him until he's out of the state, so I'll give you guys an update in a bit.
 
Wasn't this same guy arguing that he wasn't a parody yesterday?

I don't get you guys.
 
I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when my dad approached me. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me. “Son,” he said, “why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it.” “Oh, I’m not using nails,” I replied. “I’m just hammering.” With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. “I said, stop hammering!” he yelled. I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. “Look,” he said, “you can hammer later, but first–” Well, I didn’t even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard “You can hammer,” that’s what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer hog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, ’cause that’s the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop. “I’m afraid I have some news for you,” he said. I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm’s length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that’s all. That apparently didn’t make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn’t take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me. “Son, come back!” yelled Dad. “What about your hammer?!” But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. “As long as you’re pounding, why not use this?” I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad’s outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him. Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell them this story.
 
Alright, this whole ordeal is finally over. Barry stopped at a gas station and bought 3 Slim Jim's and a Red Bull, but after that, he drove a little faster and got to the state line pretty quickly. He saw me behind him at the station though, which was a bit awkward but I just told him I was getting gas. Weirdly, he responded by saying "This car don't need any gas. Runs on my own adrenaline" which would have been an odd thing to claim to begin with, but it was especially strange considering he said it while filling his tank. Anyway, Barry's outta here. End of my run chilling with the rich and famous. Crazy day lol.
 
Fuck. 36 point week for Sacajawea in fantasy, and she was on the team I was playing. Who saw that coming? I got Tesla sucking up the fucking joint and a 13th rounder bashes me out of nowhere. Just shows you that its all random.
 
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ChrisPaul3 said:
Fuck. 36 point week for Sacajawea in fantasy, and she was on the team I was playing. Who saw that coming? I got Tesla sucking up the fucking joint and a 13th rounder bashes me out of nowhere. Just shows you that its all random.
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the bullshit of the matter is the person only drafted her to handcuff to teddy roosevelt. they didn't realize that night at the museum was fiction and the two of them never met!
 
I stopped at Golden Corral again on my way home (I get free food there because I got hepatitis from a soggy beef taco one time), and I happened to run into the employee who talked to Barry. I had overheard a bit of the convo as I said earlier, so I mentioned it to him and he tells me I don't know the half of it. I asked him what he meant by that, and it turns out Barry asked to speak to the chef. The employee was telling me they don't really have a "chef" at Golden Corral, and he said that to Barry, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. They ended up bringing out a line cook just to appease the motherfucker, and Barry hugs him and starts weeping. Told him he's the greatest chef in the world.
 
I'm getting a lot of mean-spirited neg rep messages, so I hesitate to ask this, but does anyone want to hear about the time I met Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart at a Red Lobster?
 
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