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Chat Thread: biff brings board balance

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TownieDeac said:
This morning's story goes out to our friend Turds.

I left the house today thinking, hmm, I probably should have taken a dump at the house before I left. Ah well, I can make it to work.

A couple stops later on metro, and I'm panicked. I'm about 30 seconds away from full on turtle-heading. The pressure in my gut is mounting. A single bead of sweat dripped down my face. I got out at the Shaw metro stop thinking there's gotta be some place I can duck into. Got off on the wrong exit and I'm in the middle of a residential street. Half a brain cell told me there was a spot behind a dumpster with my name on it, but I spotted a public library across the street. I goosestepped across a fairly busy road willing my anus with every step to show some goddamned respect, only to find the library wasn't open yet. But for a minute I thought maybe the feeling had passed. Still, I knew better than to full on accept this false dawn, and I spotted a 7-11 around the corner. Went in and casually tried to make it look for a second like I wanted to buy some Funions or whatever before scurrying up to the counter and very politely asking if they had a restroom. A goblin from hell working behind the counter belted out NO! I think there was jizz on his shirt. Or some heretofore unknown 7-11 grease. Either way I left in a hurry. I knew if I just generally kept walking south there was a retail area, and soon enough I spotted a bagel/coffee shop. By now the eye of the storm has passed and we're fully back in hurricane winds. I ordered a coffee and kept super cool asking about the restroom situation. He said we do have bathrooms but he'll have to unlock them, I'm the first person to ask today. Great! Thanks! Now if you imagine a big load of tourists waiting to get off a train at the Smithsonian metro stop all at once, backed up waiting for the doors to open, this is currently happening in my colon. I had to take off my laptop bag, shift my coat out of the way, drop trousers, and before I was even fully squatting, the train doors opened up and I emitted a projectile stream of shit the likes of which I haven't experienced since Bonnaroo 2006.

Pretty good coffee there though. And I made it to work by 9.
Click to expand...

This is the most beautiful thing I have read in weeks.
 
TownieDeac said:
This morning's story goes out to our friend Turds.

I left the house today thinking, hmm, I probably should have taken a dump at the house before I left. Ah well, I can make it to work.

A couple stops later on metro, and I'm panicked. I'm about 30 seconds away from full on turtle-heading. The pressure in my gut is mounting. A single bead of sweat dripped down my face. I got out at the Shaw metro stop thinking there's gotta be some place I can duck into. Got off on the wrong exit and I'm in the middle of a residential street. Half a brain cell told me there was a spot behind a dumpster with my name on it, but I spotted a public library across the street. I goosestepped across a fairly busy road willing my anus with every step to show some goddamned respect, only to find the library wasn't open yet. But for a minute I thought maybe the feeling had passed. Still, I knew better than to full on accept this false dawn, and I spotted a 7-11 around the corner. Went in and casually tried to make it look for a second like I wanted to buy some Funions or whatever before scurrying up to the counter and very politely asking if they had a restroom. A goblin from hell working behind the counter belted out NO! I think there was jizz on his shirt. Or some heretofore unknown 7-11 grease. Either way I left in a hurry. I knew if I just generally kept walking south there was a retail area, and soon enough I spotted a bagel/coffee shop. By now the eye of the storm has passed and we're fully back in hurricane winds. I ordered a coffee and kept super cool asking about the restroom situation. He said we do have bathrooms but he'll have to unlock them, I'm the first person to ask today. Great! Thanks! Now if you imagine a big load of tourists waiting to get off a train at the Smithsonian metro stop all at once, backed up waiting for the doors to open, this is currently happening in my colon. I had to take off my laptop bag, shift my coat out of the way, drop trousers, and before I was even fully squatting, the train doors opened up and I emitted a projectile stream of shit the likes of which I haven't experienced since Bonnaroo 2006.

Pretty good coffee there though. And I made it to work by 9.
Click to expand...

This is quality content, right here. Although I've been pretty irregular lately, and it's making me long for a colon blow.
 
giphy.gif
 
So I've been in e-love with Townie this whole time? Never knew that skinny hipsters with cheese in their beards was my thing.
 
TownieDeac said:
This morning's story goes out to our friend Turds.

I left the house today thinking, hmm, I probably should have taken a dump at the house before I left. Ah well, I can make it to work.

A couple stops later on metro, and I'm panicked. I'm about 30 seconds away from full on turtle-heading. The pressure in my gut is mounting. A single bead of sweat dripped down my face. I got out at the Shaw metro stop thinking there's gotta be some place I can duck into. Got off on the wrong exit and I'm in the middle of a residential street. Half a brain cell told me there was a spot behind a dumpster with my name on it, but I spotted a public library across the street. I goosestepped across a fairly busy road willing my anus with every step to show some goddamned respect, only to find the library wasn't open yet. But for a minute I thought maybe the feeling had passed. Still, I knew better than to full on accept this false dawn, and I spotted a 7-11 around the corner. Went in and casually tried to make it look for a second like I wanted to buy some Funions or whatever before scurrying up to the counter and very politely asking if they had a restroom. A goblin from hell working behind the counter belted out NO! I think there was jizz on his shirt. Or some heretofore unknown 7-11 grease. Either way I left in a hurry. I knew if I just generally kept walking south there was a retail area, and soon enough I spotted a bagel/coffee shop. By now the eye of the storm has passed and we're fully back in hurricane winds. I ordered a coffee and kept super cool asking about the restroom situation. He said we do have bathrooms but he'll have to unlock them, I'm the first person to ask today. Great! Thanks! Now if you imagine a big load of tourists waiting to get off a train at the Smithsonian metro stop all at once, backed up waiting for the doors to open, this is currently happening in my colon. I had to take off my laptop bag, shift my coat out of the way, drop trousers, and before I was even fully squatting, the train doors opened up and I emitted a projectile stream of shit the likes of which I haven't experienced since Bonnaroo 2006.

Pretty good coffee there though. And I made it to work by 9.
Click to expand...

Compass?
 
My boss was just looking at a U-Line catalog, checking out some warehouse/movers gloves for our next pickup, and I dropped a “yeah, next time those would be good to have...on hand.” I almost stopped myself, but couldn’t, and he didn’t seem to pick up on it, so it was wasted.
 
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