Hookup Mishap Stories

[wfudkn]

^scales practice rooms were on time. As were the small study rooms in Carswell? Maybe Carswell, across from Tribble. The best was the English lit room in Tribble. It was always locked, but could easily be opened with a card. It had a huge wooden table you could get busy on. I said HUGE WOOD.

Once at JazzFest I was packed in a room on Bourbon Street like sardines with tons of people. One of those chicks was an actual model. Extremely hot.

Anyhow, we went to JazzFest all day, saw Lenny Kravitz, rocked out in the gospel tent while drinking beer, the whole deal.

That night we hit up Pat Obrien's and a few other close spots. I am crashing on the floor with the hot chick (we're not together, just sharing some floor).

I hear her go in the bathroom and yak. It's plain she's making herself vomit up the recent food/drinks. Then, I remember my buddy who is from her hometown talking about finding tubs of vomit under her bed, etc.

So she DOES NOT BRUSH, comes out, and starts snuggling up with me. I whispered in her ear "if you'll go brush your teeth I'll make out with you all night." She doesn't much move, but instead whispers back "we don't have to kiss."

We DID NOT kiss, as far as any of you know.

This was Jazz Fest 2000, right? I was living in NOLA at the time. Banged a chick under a blanket in the middle of the lawn during the Kravitz show. More than a few people were cheering us on. Not good times. GREAT times.

 

[94Deac]

Banged a chick under a blanket

Normally, this would call for a "chicken shit" designation, but in NOLA, if you're not covering your ass during a fuck session, you might end up with someone else up your end.

 

[DeaconSig]

Went to 3 Rivers Music Festival in Columbia. 2000 or 2001, can't remember. Was hanging out with a buddy who was newly married and one of his friends (also married). My buddy starts wingmanning for me with these 2 mid-30s chicks (I was about 25 at the time, and this was before the term Cougar had been coined).

Anyway, I'm working 1 of them pretty well- we start doing a fair amount of stuff while OutKast is on stage. She goes into relatively graphic detail about what she is planning on doing to and with me that night. At the end of the night, my buddy goes to call his wife to tell her to come get us, and makes her aware I will be bringing home another houseguest. He leaves his other married friend (who is just HAMMERED) occupying my hook-up's friend. I go to the bathroom. When I come back, the girls are streaking off down the street, with the friend freaking out. I asked what happened, and the friend says my buddy's friend (again, married) had asked if she was interested in doing him in the rear.

I thought about fighting the guy, but decided against it. The only thing close to evening out the score was when I saw the shrew of a wife he went home to.

 

[deacvision7]

I want to marry this thread.

Some fantastic stories.

 

[wfudkn]

Normally, this would call for a "chicken shit" designation, but in NOLA, if you're not covering your ass during a fuck session, you might end up with someone else up your end.

Fair enough, but I don't remember if I cared about the blanket or not, but I know she did. So, fucking under blanket >>>>>>>>> not fucking in the open.

 

[tsywake]

One of the funniest mishaps occurred during summer break after my freshman year at Wake with a girl I went to high school with and was dating at the time. Living at home, I had it calculated precisely when my parents would get home from work each day and I made sure all my business was done before they got home. They never had a problem with having girls over, but out of respect I didn't mess around when they were home.

Either we were running behind or they came home early, I cant remember which. When we hear the garage door opening, I frantically and hurriedly tell her to run to the bathroom which is diagonally across the hall from my bedroom. She grabs her things and runs to the bathroom as I am quickly getting dressed. Problem was, the basement door is also diagonally across from my bedroom just beside the bathroom door. Sadly, she chose the wrong door, and her naked body fell down the stairs halfway to the basement, ripping the sliding chain lock out of the door as she fell. So now she's: naked, scared, embarassed, and crying sprawled out on our basement steps. She gets up and goes to the bathroom, thankfully before my parents walked in.

 

[OGBDeacon07]

Fall 1999: Somehow, I had attracted a gorgeous redheaded sophomore who was waaaaay above my pay grade. She was amazingly attractive, and I am not in her league at all. When we were seen in public together, I was surprised when nobody came up to us to ask her if this strange man was bothering her.

Anyhoo, early on in the relationship she told me she was virgin. She had many chances to change that in HS and her freshman year, but never had. This girl was simply a really good, genuine, honest decent person. After we had been dating for a few weeks, she drops the bomb on me in her room one night that she thinks she is ready. I freaked out and told her that I should not be her first and that she should wait for someone she truly cared for. (WTF!)

When I got back to my room that night and realized that I had essentially ended our relationship and had turned down the Holy Grail, I nearly cried like Nolan Smith.

To this day it hurts to think about that missed opportunity. Even writing this I am getting that sick feeling in my chest. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

Seriously, we've all been there. You know what they say, "women regret the ones they've slept with, men regret the ones they didn't."

 

[94Deac]

Another funny one is this woman I met during a power outage at a now-gone Ruby Tuesdays restaurant I used to hang at. We really hit it off but she was in her late 40s and I was about 23 or so. After a few dates, I finally get to go back to her house one night. First time with a cougar and I romped it good. She really hadn't had much in the last few months/years having had a bad divorce.

So next morning, I try to slide out without waking her; the more I thought about how she was old enough to be my mom, the more I got weirded out. So I'm heading downstairs and see this guy sitting on the couch in the main room through which I have to go to get out.

I'm thinking he's her brother or roommate. Plus, he looks like he's basically my age. So I say, "Uh hey, I was just leaving. Are you ____'s roommate?" He says, "Well kind of. We moved in her after mom got divorced." He was her son and was 17. The icing was his saying "sounded like you guys had fun last night- she needed that."

I never wanted to take a shower so bad. Creepy factor around 9/10.

 

[OGBDeacon07]

I had a girl that was riding me like a Triple Crown jockey that just kept screaming, "I'm a big girl, I'm a big girl" (Ed. Note: She was not a fatty boombah) It freaked me the fuck out.

I had another time in law school where I ran into some girl from my high school youth group at the bar. She had a kid, but whatever. We start getting down for the get down, and I saddle up and all of the sudden she says, "Oh my god. The last time this happened I had a baby 9 months later". I promptly drove her home.

LMAO

 

[deacvision7]

Fair enough, but I don't remember if I cared about the blanket or not, but I know she did. So, fucking under blanket >>>>>>>>> not fucking in the open.

So she was cool with being fucked in public at a concert, but she drew the line and not being under a blanket.

Women can be so fucking strange.

 

[Baconwfu]

This one isn't really a mishap, but it's a good story

Ok, so my mom has a friend who is in her 40s and this chick has a sister who is my age. The girl my age (27), who we'll call Jen, lives in Charlotte and just broke up with her long time boyfriend and the older sister who is friends with my mom wants to set Jen up with someone else. My mom, always looking out for me, suggests that I look Jen up on facebook. I do an she has a private profile, but from what you can tell from her picture, things are promising. A few days later my mom informs me the Jen is coming to town to visit her sister and the sister and my mom had plotted already that they were going to set us up. Ok, that's fine, Jen already knows about me so I decided I'd friend her on facebook and make some contact (and so I can see the rest of the pictures). there were very few pictures and they weren't as promising as the profile pic. She's not a total dog, but not someone who i want to babysit all night. Anyway, she said she'd be out in Asheville on friday night and we made tenative plans to meet up after her dinner with her sister/brother-in-law....at the last minute I tell her I'm not really feeling like going out and maybe we can do something tomorrow (knowing that she's not going to be able to do that).....but the fact is I do feel like going out, I just didn't want to be trapped all night with a chick that could be a 4 at worst or a 7 at best. Anyway, I go out with some of my friends, we walk into a bar and lo-and-behold, there's Jen with her sister/brother-in-law. Its kind of crowded at this point and I've never met this girl face to face so I hope she doesn't recognize me. My friends and I sit at a table kind of out of her field of vision and I assume she didn't recognize me. She's closer to a 7 than a 4, but nothing to write home about and I certainly couldn't go say anything to her because I'd told her I wasn't going out. Anyway I lose track of this girl but after about 15 minutes I feel a tap on my shoulder, I turn around and it's Jen. She say's....normally I probably wouldn't do this, but you have to be Bacon...you look just like your facebook pic and like you were described, she said she's Jen blah blah blah. She gives me a bit of a hard time about backing out on her then actually going out but she gets over it. I'm a little drunk at this point so I decide to go with it.
....back story.....
Nailing girls my mom sets me up with is like shooting fish in a barrell and I'm batting 1.000. I know this one isn't going to be any different
....we talk to the sister/brother-in-law for a bit, I can tell the sister knows that I bailed on Jen and got caught and is being a bit passive aggressive, but I don't give a shit. They go home and I leave with Jen and my friends to go to another bar where I run into more friends and this other girl that I'm trying to bang who's really hot but capital D.U.M, dumb. Everyone ends up getting sloshed and I invite people back to my house for crappy hour after the bars.
The hot chick, a friend of mine (who's sister is best friends with the hot chick so they aren't hooking up) Jen and myself are all that come back. We're drinking at my house and hot chick comes up and privately confesses that she "thinks i'm hot"....I explain my situation and she takes it pretty well. So Jen and I retire to my bed room and start fooling around. She starts of slow but warms up really quickly and started getting pretty into it.....telling me to bite her neck and her nipples and slap her ass and all this kind of kinky stuff. At first I think it's kind of cool....or maybe just novel because I've never really been with a girl like that so I go with it.....then it starts to get a little weird. Jen is asking me to bite, harder and harder and harder....to the point where I'm worried I'm going to bit her nipple off or draw blood, but she's really getting off on it. I explain my worries but she'd have none of that and wants me to keep biting and slapping. Finally things are done and we go to sleep. We have to get up early to get Jen back to her sisters house before everyone wakes up and figures out that wholesome looking Jen is really a closet freak/slut. The only problem is this chick has bite marks all over her and they aren't subtle. I tell her it's her own damn fault and don't blame me....she agrees and I take her home. I get home and wake up the hot chick, who is sleeping on my couch and ask her if she wants to come lay down with me in my bed....the answer was yes and awesomeness insued.

The Jen girl was a high school biology teacher and she said she had the damnedest time explaininf the bite marks on her neck to the kids in her class.

 

[wfudkn]

So she was cool with being fucked in public at a concert, but she drew the line and not being under a blanket.

Women can be so fucking strange.

Oh, she wasn't strange. She was batshit fucking crazy.

 

[Go]

Bacon takes the lead...

 

[Go]

YES, GO!

 

[DeaconCav06]

Freekn has so many good stories that we turned is name into a verb when you cockblock yourself. 2 of my favorites:

One summer he was taking a class at UNC Charlotte. He and some girl were working on a group project and take a break to go and grab some food at the grocery store. He isnt 21 yet but this girl is and she says, "you know I was thinking that we are almost done with work. Maybe I could buy some wine and we could get a movie and hang out for awhile."

Dumbass looks at her and says, "nah. Wine makes me sleepy" and goes off on his own to pick up some food. It was then that he realized his mistake but thought it was too late.

Now let's fast forward to graduation weekend. Freekn's unicorn (the girl he blew his shot with the most) is talking to freekn and says "my parents left a bunch of wine at my place from graduation. Do you want to come over and have some wine and watch a movie. By this point he has learned his lesson and heads over.

It looks like he is growing up. Not so fast my friend. He gets over there and she says "the DVD player in the main room is busted. We are going to have to watch in my room on my bed". BUCKETS!

Freekn: I bet I can fix it.
Unicorn: don't worry about it. We can watch in my room.
Freekn: no it's cool I've got it.

He then hooks up the DVD player and they watch the movie on separate ends of the couch.

 

[DirtySouthDeacon]

Good one Bacon. Congrats on the back to back.

One more from me:
I had just ended a year long relationship and was trying to get back out in the game. There was a girl that we had nicknamed "whore ____". That was all we called her and it fit. But, she was hot and a whore and I was needing to right the ship, so we started messing around. I nailed her for a month or so and then graduated. So, now I am living in the dirty south and I get a call from her that she is in town (she was from just outside of town). So, she comes over and we hang and then we go back to her parents house who are out of town. We start getting things going and we retire to the back of the house. I walk into her room. She stops me and says "no, lets do it in here." Here is her parents room. So, we bang it out multiple times with me dumping here and there. Next morning, she makes up the bed as if nothing happened and drives me home. Guess she had daddy issues.

 

[Baconwfu]

I'm going for a long lunch in a few minutes, I'm expecting there to be enough stories when I get back to keep me occupied for the majority of the rest of the afternoon.

 

[yodeacsgo]

Good one Bacon. Congrats on the back to back.

One more from me:
I had just ended a year long relationship and was trying to get back out in the game. There was a girl that we had nicknamed "whore ____". That was all we called her and it fit. But, she was hot and a whore and I was needing to right the ship, so we started messing around. I nailed her for a month or so and then graduated. So, now I am living in the dirty south and I get a call from her that she is in town (she was from just outside of town). So, she comes over and we hang and then we go back to her parents house who are out of town. We start getting things going and we retire to the back of the house. I walk into her room. She stops me and says "no, lets do it in here." Here is her parents room. So, we bang it out multiple times with me dumping here and there. Next morning, she makes up the bed as if nothing happened and drives me home. Guess she had daddy issues.

She wasn't turned off by your poop breaks?

 

[myDeaconmyhand]

Freekn has so many good stories that we turned is name into a verb when you cockblock yourself. 2 of my favorites:

One summer he was taking a class at UNC Charlotte. He and some girl were working on a group project and take a break to go and grab some food at the grocery store. He isnt 21 yet but this girl is and she says, "you know I was thinking that we are almost done with work. Maybe I could buy some wine and we could get a movie and hang out for awhile."

Dumbass looks at her and says, "nah. Wine makes me sleepy" and goes off on his own to pick up some food. It was then that he realized his mistake but thought it was too late.

Now let's fast forward to graduation weekend. Freekn's unicorn (the girl he blew his shot with the most) is talking to freekn and says "my parents left a bunch of wine at my place from graduation. Do you want to come over and have some wine and watch a movie. By this point he has learned his lesson and heads over.

It looks like he is growing up. Not so fast my friend. He gets over there and she says "the DVD player in the main room is busted. We are going to have to watch in my room on my bed". BUCKETS!

Freekn: I bet I can fix it.
Unicorn: don't worry about it. We can watch in my room.
Freekn: no it's cool I've got it.

He then hooks up the DVD player and they watch the movie on separate ends of the couch.

Facepalm

Jesus that's funny. My stories are pretty lamesauce compared to the epic wins so far on this thread. I was drinking with some friends in Huffman one night and after shot gunning a few too many I went into the bathroom to yak. A girl I had been crushing on follows me in, and proceeds to violently make out with me while I'm desperately trying not to vom in her mouth. I was pretty black out at that point, so I don't remember how it ended, but she told me I didn't puke.

Another time I went to Franklin Street with some friends on the night of the UNC-Duke game, and went to this bar/club called East End. One of the friends was an army guy from the 82nd who was in town for the weekend, and he bought us all rounds of 151 tard We comically start grinding on everything that moves upstairs like the my new haircut video, and this Indian chick I'm dancing with pulls up her skirt and tells me to finger her on the dance floor. It's getting pretty heated, but being the pervert I am, I smell my finger and it smells like death and cabbage: Immediate boner killer. Upon review from my less drunk friends, the girl was a 5 at best and I made the right move getting out.

 

[OGBDeacon07]

Freekn has so many good stories that we turned is name into a verb when you cockblock yourself. 2 of my favorites:

One summer he was taking a class at UNC Charlotte. He and some girl were working on a group project and take a break to go and grab some food at the grocery store. He isnt 21 yet but this girl is and she says, "you know I was thinking that we are almost done with work. Maybe I could buy some wine and we could get a movie and hang out for awhile."

Dumbass looks at her and says, "nah. Wine makes me sleepy" and goes off on his own to pick up some food. It was then that he realized his mistake but thought it was too late.

Now let's fast forward to graduation weekend. Freekn's unicorn (the girl he blew his shot with the most) is talking to freekn and says "my parents left a bunch of wine at my place from graduation. Do you want to come over and have some wine and watch a movie. By this point he has learned his lesson and heads over.

It looks like he is growing up. Not so fast my friend. He gets over there and she says "the DVD player in the main room is busted. We are going to have to watch in my room on my bed". BUCKETS!

Freekn: I bet I can fix it.
Unicorn: don't worry about it. We can watch in my room.
Freekn: no it's cool I've got it.

He then hooks up the DVD player and they watch the movie on separate ends of the couch.

It's situations like the DVD player that girls really just need to take the lead, look the guy in the eyes and say, "No. It's broken." And then head to the bedroom.

Honest question though, if a girl wants to watch a movie in her room, on her bed, how the hell does one not realize that some magic is gonna happen? I mean seriously.