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Are you divorced?

I am divorced and remarried. First marriage ended amicably, but it was also essentially sexless. That's no way to go through life. It still lasted about 7 years, although the last 1.5 to 2 we were living apart and had just not finalized the divorce yet.

I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without my current wife (RDToy). It's totally different.
 
DDA said:
I'd be curious to see what the divorce rate is over the past 100 years or so. I wonder if it has become more rampant or if it has always been in the 25% range. (too lazy to look it up)
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Started low, peaked in the 70s and 80s and has been dropped/then held steady since.
 
bojanglefunk said:
Started low, peaked in the 70s and 80s and has been dropped/then held steady since.
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So, it's been the same for a while. Suggests that some people aren't bought into marriage, and others are. But the question for those whoa are is, are they bought it from the commitment standpoint, or are they truly "in love" with their spouse? I'm definitely a member of the latter, but I can't speak for the former. It's so tough to say, and honestly has a lot to do with personal experiences it seems. Good talk.
 
DDA said:
Appreciate the honest discourse. How do you define love, though?

The truth is I out-kicked my coverage so I'm doing my best to keep her happy.

Truth be told, we had a small wedding. But yes, we had a ceremony. My wife and I are both Christians, so we sought to have our marriage consecrated before God by way of a preacher (in our opinion), a la many other weddings. The same preacher who took us through marriage counseling to prepare us for marriage.

Anyway, yes, marriage isn't easy, and times get sour. But, with the right woman, and you know when it is right, it is amazing and sharpening. It's hard to describe, especially as a 29 y/o man, but I firmly believe that I will happily be with her until I/she dies.

She might feel a different way, though ;)
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how do i define love? have not really ever explicitly considered that, kind of a deep question..with a sappy answer. basically when you can't sleep for thinking about someone, when you go about your day, you're only concerned with the parts where you see that person, when you're always wanting to make sacrifices on behalf of that person, when you're with that person you feel comfortable, but in a different sense--a more fundamental life sense, like everything is right with the world, and the problem in it don't seem so big or bad...and when you, as you said, can't really imagine life without that person. that's all gay as shit but i do believe those things..i've certainly felt that way and i'd like to think at least a couple people have felt that way about me.

if you have that stuff, you don't need a wedding to affirm your relationship and commitment because it's obvious and understood. just add all that money to your honeymoon. getting the girl to go along with that is a different matter though. :)

if your ceremony was for theological reasons, that makes more sense. you probably will be happy with her for the rest of your life, i don't doubt your or her sincerity. i'm obviously just talking about marriages in the abstract, it has no relevance when applied to individual relationships.
 
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dmcheatw said:
how do i define love? have not really ever explicitly considered that, kind of a deep question..with a sappy answer. basically when you can't sleep for thinking about someone, when you go about your day, you're only concerned with the parts where you see that person, when you're always wanting to make sacrifices on behalf of that person, when you're with that person you feel comfortable, but in a different sense--a more fundamental life sense, like everything is right with the world, and the problem in it don't seem so big or bad...and when you, as you said, can't really imagine life without that person. that's all gay as shit but i do believe those things..i've certainly felt that way and i'd like to think at least a couple people have felt that way about me.

if you have that stuff, you don't need a wedding to affirm your relationship and commitment because it's obvious and understood. just add all that money to your honeymoon. getting the girl to go along with that is a different matter though. :)

if the ceremony was for theological reasons, i suppose that makes more sense. small is probably the way to go.
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Nice. But can't you image those feelings about ONE person you've been with? Not the others. The one person you've felt those feelings strongest for. And those feelings don't compare to the other "similar" ones you've had for others. Maybe you haven't felt that yet. But that is love. You'll know it when you feel it

Disagree with the wedding thoughts, but that's due to a difference in beliefs. I don't judge your decisions and I hope you don't judge mine. Cheers!
 
DDA said:
Nice. But can't you image those feelings about ONE person you've been with? Not the others. The one person you've felt those feelings strongest for. And those feelings don't compare to the other "similar" ones you've had for others. Maybe you haven't felt that yet. But that is love. You'll know it when you feel it

Disagree with the wedding thoughts, but that's due to a difference in beliefs. I don't judge your decisions and I hope you don't judge mine. Cheers!
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no i don't judge your decisions at all. I should say marriage makes sense for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. theological beliefs seem a legitimate reason to marry, as it would be a need in your life that you would need to fulfill. lots and lots of other good reasons to marry. and a lot of them lead do lead to love actually.

when i said i didn't believe in marriage i had qualified that i was talking about as it is today and in our society. even marrying someone for very superficial reasons like political or appearances makes sense too, and the separation will be a lot easier. but marriage for the sake of it, because of Hallmark, debeers, and Nicholas Sparks novels... not so sure about that.

also check my edited last post, i made what i wanted to say more clear and eloquent.
 
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dmcheatw said:
no i don't judge your decisions at all. I should say marriage makes sense for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. theological beliefs seem a legitimate reason to marry, as it would be a need in your life that you would need to fulfill. lots and lots of other good reasons to marry. and a lot of them lead do lead to love actually.

when i said i didn't believe in marriage i had qualified that i was talking about as it is today and in our society. even marrying someone for very superficial reasons like political or appearances makes sense too, and the separation will be a lot easier. but marriage for the sake of it, because of Hallmark, debeers, and Nicholas Sparks novels... not so sure about that.

also check my edited last post, i made what i wanted to say more clear and eloquent.
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Fair enough. But for the reasons bolded, I don't think many people get married as a result of them. That's Bravo! shit. It ain't the real world.
 
DDA said:
Fair enough. But for the reasons bolded, I don't think many people get married as a result of them. That's Bravo! shit. It ain't the real world.
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don't take it too literally. what i was saying was people who get married for love with the bolded, i was just trying to be more subtle.

idk man, a lot of women want to get down to the baby making before 30 at least and see marriage as a preq to that do they not? so maybe couples are rushing it or forcing it? idk, because i agree that if you do it right as bojangles has said, you can get a lot better odds even with marrying strictly for love.

marrying for life reasons in arranged marriages produced a lot lower divorce rate generally over the course of human history, though it is somewhat apples to oranges. regardless, whatever reasons we marry for now, apparently aren't all the reasons we should be accounting for.

the reason I personally could not get married is because in my belief system, it's betting against yourself based on the numbers and what i can extrapolate, and the courts can be unfriendly to men in household matters. that said, for the right girl, perhaps you do take that gamble. if we shared the same hobbies, religious, and political beliefs, had the same life goals and basically the same ses background and disposition, and we had been engaged at least five years..i might consider it, if my emotions got the better of me. otherwise i'm cool with just staying perma-engaged.
 
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DDA said:
I'd be curious to see what the divorce rate is over the past 100 years or so. I wonder if it has become more rampant or if it has always been in the 25% range. (too lazy to look it up)
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divorced-percent.png


2008-12-10-divorce2.jpg


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That starting 50% stat is greatly influenced by people that let's just say...have know idea what or where Wake Forest is, do not own a computer, have more square feet of cars than home, and are likely missing a few teeth.
dmcheatw said:
loving relationships are cool, but marriage in our society seems silly and contorted.

I'm making these numbers up but if 50% of marriages end in divorce, another 10% stay together due to not believing in divorce, another 10% stay together due to inertia/can't do better, and another 10% who married for reasons other than love not hitherto mentioned and stay together for those reasons (arranged, property, politics, appearances, etc.)..how many marriages actually conclude with one partner dying and both still in love? it would seem to be dismally small.

so i don't believe in marriage. it was never really invented for love to begin with anyway. historically in most cases that was a secondary consideration.
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RaleighDeacon said:
I am divorced and remarried. First marriage ended amicably, but it was also essentially sexless. That's no way to go through life. It still lasted about 7 years, although the last 1.5 to 2 we were living apart and had just not finalized the divorce yet.

I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without my current wife (RDToy). It's totally different.
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sexless marriage followed by 3 year dryspell. no wonder she married you tiger. energizer fucking bunny in the sack
 
I'd be interested in seeing some numbers on divorces with couples who had sex before marriage and couples who didn't. I can't imagine committing the rest of my life to someone when I'm in the dark on our sexual chemistry.
 
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