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The Pit Parenting Thread

Along the asking questions line of thought above...

I was once telling a story about something my kid said and an inconsequential part of the story that a couple young guys at work (no kids) latched on to was using the correct terminology for anatomical pieces parts. They were shocked we use penis or whatever it was.

Gasp! "Why do they know that word."
<co-worker with kids> "because we're trying to raise doctors or lawyers... you know somene educated."
 
TBDeac said:
Is there a way to convince him that actually asking questions is what smart people do? Scientists ask questions. Doctors ask questions. Detectives ask questions. Asking good questions actually proves that you're smart, not that you're dumb. My parents used to ask me "Did you ask any good questions today?" when i came home. It doesn't necessarily get to the heart of his social anxiety, but seems could change his perception on how it looks to ask questions and maybe even give him something to say to other kids who try to make him feel bad about it.
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We've tried that approach (and given examples in our own work experience), but the social anxiety aspect of it is far more real for him right now than anything we can say.

At that point, I countered with - ok, if you don't want to ask questions, you're basically saying you're committed to teaching yourself outside of the classroom. That may include using other resources around you, including us, but the responsibility is yours at that point. He currently sees that as an "out" to the situation, but now I kind of regret presenting that option, because really it would be better for him to get over asking questions.
 
Ugh...just found out a friend from high school lost her first born child last Saturday to SIDS. He was seven weeks old. I can't even begin to fathom what they're going through right now.
 
lbE08 said:
Welp, totally jinxed everything with this comment. I take it all back, with regard to schoolwork.
On the positive - PM and I definitely know he feels comfortable talk to us about some pretty emotionally heavy stuff, but dang. This stuff is hard, and we're kind of at a loss right now in terms of how to best support him.


He's very sensitive, and especially concerned about everyone's perception of him. From a peer perspective, I get it... to an extent. But it's to the point that he doesn't even want to ask us a question at home, because "someone at school might find out he had to ask a question, and then they'll think he's dumb." He is fixated on people thinking he is dumb. Unfortunately, by not asking key questions, he's been missing some kind of fundamental concepts lately, and that's turning into him actually getting things wrong. We're doing our best to convince him that the house is a safe place and we can always ask us if he has a question, and that it's our responsibility as grownups to make sure he has the support and resources he needs to be successful. We would like to trust him when we ask if he's doing what he's supposed to, but if it comes back that he's only telling us what we want to hear and not actually trying his hardest (which would include using outside resources when necessary), then it's going to be a problem... and that's where we're at now. What's also tricky is that this is a change from the beginning of the year; he was more on the ball at that point. Nothing has changed for him personally, but he's seen other kids turn on the kids who are asking questions and is petrified of that happening to him. I say petrified almost literally; he would rather do absolutely nothing and sit there frozen than risk having someone think for a second that he doesn't know what's going on. What's crazy is that one of the now 'dumb' kids is a friend of his, and he admits that his friend is really smart (and does assignments better/faster than he does)... but that's not enough to convince him that smart kids have to ask questions, too.

We're kind of stuck. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation, or recall anything from their own childhood about how they worked through some of these fears? Any help appreciated.
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I'm not sure how old he is (sorry), but consider therapy. My daughter has significant anxiety, has delusional thoughts about what other people do and say about her behind her back. The littlest things can set off on a very self deflating and self destructive path. It got so bad last month that she is now getting home-bound instruction after a trip to the emergency room because she said being around her friends made her feel like she wanted to die but being away from them made her feel incredible lonely. Therapy has helped and alleviates the problems for long stretches but it really hasn't gone away. Her therapist explained to me that she basically has emotional delusions where, to her, these things feel completely real, she truly believes that her friends hate her or think she is stupid, but there is no actual supporting evidence; the therapy is trying to teach her how to tell the difference between delusions and real insults or offenses. She is on medication as well, for bi-polar disorder, but the therapy is supposedly what will be more effective in the long run. I really hope your step son doesn't have any of these problems, but consider seeing a therapist and checking it out because the earlier you intervene the better the prospects are if he has a real problem.
 
Also make sure the kids are getting enough sleep that is high quality. You would be amazed how many of these things miraculously go away when you start pulling the levers that affect sleep. Definitely get those phones/tvs out of their rooms. 8 hours is NOT enough sleep for kids to function normally.
 
birdman said:
I'm not sure how old he is (sorry), but consider therapy. My daughter has significant anxiety, has delusional thoughts about what other people do and say about her behind her back. The littlest things can set off on a very self deflating and self destructive path. It got so bad last month that she is now getting home-bound instruction after a trip to the emergency room because she said being around her friends made her feel like she wanted to die but being away from them made her feel incredible lonely. Therapy has helped and alleviates the problems for long stretches but it really hasn't gone away. Her therapist explained to me that she basically has emotional delusions where, to her, these things feel completely real, she truly believes that her friends hate her or think she is stupid, but there is no actual supporting evidence; the therapy is trying to teach her how to tell the difference between delusions and real insults or offenses. She is on medication as well, for bi-polar disorder, but the therapy is supposedly what will be more effective in the long run. I really hope your step son doesn't have any of these problems, but consider seeing a therapist and checking it out because the earlier you intervene the better the prospects are if he has a real problem.
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Thanks. Husband and I are definitely attune to this being a real possibility in the future (he's 11). What's tough is that his mother is slightly less on board with some of the more "official" approaches, so there's not a lot we can do with that :(
I appreciate your feedback though, as this sounds familiar (though a little more extreme than where he is now - our fear is that it progresses if left unchecked).

JamesSokolove said:
Also make sure the kids are getting enough sleep that is high quality. You would be amazed how many of these things miraculously go away when you start pulling the levers that affect sleep. Definitely get those phones/tvs out of their rooms. 8 hours is NOT enough sleep for kids to function normally.
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Yeah, they have no phones or tablets or TVs, and rarely have screen time on school nights. We know it takes boy11 longer to fall asleep than girl8, but they're both usually in bed between 8:30 and 9:00 every night after a little reading, and then I get them up for school at 7:00. Unsure of what the schedule is at their mom's house, but at least at ours we definitely encourage sleep/restful environments.
 
lbE08 said:
Thanks. Husband and I are definitely attune to this being a real possibility in the future (he's 11). What's tough is that his mother is slightly less on board with some of the more "official" approaches, so there's not a lot we can do with that :(
I appreciate your feedback though, as this sounds familiar (though a little more extreme than where he is now - our fear is that it progresses if left unchecked).
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11 is a perfectly acceptable age to start therapy. My daughter has had a therapist since 9. I am also divorced and only partially in control of her care and treatment and her mom and I don't always see eye to eye on things, some months it is pretty bad. That adds a lot stress and adds stress to the kids that you may not realize. The part that worries me, for you and him, is that it sounds like he is building lots of anxiety over things he thinks other people are thinking and that is starting to affect his education and probably social interactions. Good luck.
 
birdman said:
11 is a perfectly acceptable age to start therapy. My daughter has had a therapist since 9. I am also divorced and only partially in control of her care and treatment and her mom and I don't always see eye to eye on things, some months it is pretty bad. That adds a lot stress and adds stress to the kids that you may not realize. The part that worries me, for you and him, is that it sounds like he is building lots of anxiety over things he thinks other people are thinking and that is starting to affect his education and probably social interactions. Good luck.
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Yes, I appreciate your insight. We're definitely aware of the fact it adds stress to the kids, but can only guess at how that plays out with each kid. I have a strong belief that it plays into boy11's outlook and approach - anxiety or depression itself may be genetics/chemical, but certain situations can exacerbate it and I think there's more present as a trigger in a two-house situation. I also agree that 11 (and also way younger than that) is a perfectly acceptable age to start therapy; unfortunately it's not my decision to make, or even one husband and I could make unilaterally. I don't know if any of this has come up at his mom's house, as we're "the homework house" and only through that process has all of this come out... we'll keep our line of communication with him open and see what comes of this last month of school. Husband and I would much rather get started with any help/support he needs before school starts next year, and especially before new baby arrives in October.
 
My oldest is moving into a pre-K class this summer so we'll net back $250/month as tuition goes down at pre-K...feel like I just won the lotto.
 
I find there’s basically a wash between tuition reductions for moving up in classes and across the board annual tuition increases.

We just moved our two year old out of the crib to a toddler bed. It’s going just awesome as she exercises her new freedom to extend her bedtime indefinitely. Also involves her taking off all her clothes and diaper for some reason.
 
06deacon said:
I find there’s basically a wash between tuition reductions for moving up in classes and across the board annual tuition increases.

We just moved our two year old out of the crib to a toddler bed. It’s going just awesome as she exercises her new freedom to extend her bedtime indefinitely. Also involves her taking off all her clothes and diaper for some reason.
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lol
 
leftcoastdeac said:
My oldest is moving into a pre-K class this summer so we'll net back $250/month as tuition goes down at pre-K...feel like I just won the lotto.
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Our younger starts PK3 in August, which is part of the public school system in DC. I am so stoked to have one drop off and stop nannyshare payments. We'll obviously still have some aftercare costs, summer camp, and other extraneous school expenses, but by rough calculation it'll be an annual savings of probably $15k.

06deacon said:
I find there’s basically a wash between tuition reductions for moving up in classes and across the board annual tuition increases.

We just moved our two year old out of the crib to a toddler bed. It’s going just awesome as she exercises her new freedom to extend her bedtime indefinitely. Also involves her taking off all her clothes and diaper for some reason.
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Yeah....we went through that. Tried two things that ended up working for us. One was wearing a pair of one-piece footless pajamas backwards (i.e. with the zipper in the back). The other was wearing a onesie under normal PJs. After he took it all off and peed in the bed a couple times were were like, nope, closing you up, buddy!
 
After 7+ years, I only have 2 weeks left of daycare payments.

TheseJaggedKawala-size_restricted.gif
 
And after school care. Although that better be way cheaper than daycare, like not even close
 
LadyDeac03 said:
In our case I think one month of aftercare is cheaper than, or at least on par with, one week of nannyshare / daycare.
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You also get what you pay for. Daycare is generally staffed by adults, while afterschool is often high schoolers playing on their phones while the younger kids reenact Lord of the Flies. Some strong survival of the fittest traits are learned though, which is good.
 
2&2 Slider To Leyritz said:
You also get what you pay for. Daycare is generally staffed by adults, while afterschool is often high schoolers playing on their phones while the younger kids reenact Lord of the Flies. Some strong survival of the fittest traits are learned though, which is good.
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Ha.

At our school they actually have an in-house aftercare program that is staffed by school employees (mostly classroom assistants and operations assistants). Definitely not getting any sort of "instruction," but a slight step up from high schoolers.
 
06deacon said:
And after school care. Although that better be way cheaper than daycare, like not even close
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A couple years ago the kids were in an aftercare program at the school (so easy), and it was kind of 'lord of the flies' as 2&2 describes. That said, the kids seemed to enjoy it well enough, they got some of their crazies out, and it served its purpose. Pretty sure that provider was $325mo per kid, and I believe there was a sibling discount (maybe $25 off for the second kid or something).
Then, the school decided the kids needed more structure, so they brought in a new provider. New provider was going to be $425 per month per kid (for 5 days a week until 6pm), with a $20 discount for the second kid.

Obviously still cheaper than daycare, but it's not exactly cheap - especially for multiple kids.

That said, compared to the $1600/mo we'll be dropping on infant daycare next year... oof. Glad the other two are old enough to fend for themselves after school, at least for a couple hours.
 
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