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Asking Her Dad's Permission

TBDeac said:
I got a lecture on how we should wait for 2 years before getting married. (We'd been dating for 5). I wasn't sure if I was going to get permission, so stated it as a fact and asked for his blessing. Got it after a good hour of getting grilled.
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Oh, that sounds awful. If you both were a reasonable age to get married and were planning to support yourselves financially, the parents should have backed off of the lecturing. No place for that!
 
lbE08 said:
good grief. grilled on what?
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mmedeac said:
Oh, that sounds awful. If you both were a reasonable age to get married and were planning to support yourselves financially, the parents should have backed off of the lecturing. No place for that!
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Why I wanted to get married now? Why not wait? What kind of wedding are you going to have? How are you going to pay for it? Where would we live (i.e. would we buy a house)? etc.

We were both almost 24 at the time and in very good financial shape for age (no debt) but I'm a white guy marrying an Indian girl. I had spent a lot of time with him and we got along fine but that was the first time he had really acknowledged we were actually going to get married. In part I think he was just testing me, but it happened pretty much as I expected.
 
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My cousin's (female) boyfriend just asked my aunt and uncle for permission to marry her. They said no.


They got engaged anyway.

Moral of the story, don't say no because you won't stop anything. All you'll do is set a terrible tone for the wedding
 
Based purely off stereotypes in movies and such, I can totally see Indian parents grilling you for a couple hours like that
 
About to do this is the near future and somewhat terrified about it. Both are devout Catholics and already said if we got married it was sullied because we moved in together beforehand. Her dad is at least somewhat normal (into sports and what not) but her mom is probably the coldest person I have ever met. Going to try and get him alone so I don't have to deal with her mother.
 
MysteryMen said:
My cousin's (female) boyfriend just asked my aunt and uncle for permission to marry her. They said no.


They got engaged anyway.

Moral of the story, don't say no because you won't stop anything. All you'll do is set a terrible tone for the wedding
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well was the guy a bozo?
 
TBDeac said:
Why I wanted to get married now? Why not wait? What kind of wedding are you going to have? How are you going to pay for it? Where would we live (i.e. would we buy a house)? etc.

We were both almost 24 at the time and in very good financial shape for age (no debt) but I'm a white guy marrying an Indian girl. I had spent a lot of time with him and we got along fine but that was the first time he had really acknowledged we were actually going to get married. In part I think he was just testing me, but it happened pretty much as I expected.
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How large was the dowry?
 
We were at my house for Easter and since I was training for a 10-miler I was out running on Sunday morning before breakfast and then church. While I was out, LadyDeacToy used that time to talk to my folks (I don't know the exact conversation, but I'm pretty sure it was more of a asking for blessing than permission type thing).

I'm pretty sure both my parents knew it was coming (I was 29 and he was 32 and we'd been dating for almost 2 years), but apparently the actual chat caught my dad off-guard. I think he just wasn't expecting it right then (and I'm the oldest, only daughter, blah blah) so apparently he had to sit down and actually teared up a little.

The funniest part is that my mom was like, "You know you can't say anything to anyone about this until he proposes, right?" And my dad was worried he'd have a tough time not telling anybody. Luckily they both kept the secret, and the proposal happened 2-3 weeks later.
 
Today's the big day! Prepare for the Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!
 
Say Hey Deac said:
I talked to both her parents at the same time one morning before breakfast while the future Mrs. Say Hey was getting ready. I don't think I flat out ASKED them so much as just sort of told them that I had bought a ring and was planning to ask her and I was hoping they would approve. They were definitely appreciative and it was a nice moment with them.
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This is the general idea of how I plan to do it whenever it goes down. Not permission, but more of a heads up.
 
Clunky, outdated tradition. Most dads don't know jack shit about who their adult daughters actually are. Asking them for permission to marry is being subservient in an unnatural and silly way. Unless your future spouse wants you to do it, you are just being old fashioned.
 
seventwofour said:
This is the general idea of how I plan to do it whenever it goes down. Not permission, but more of a heads up.
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Same. This is also how I handled breaking the news to my parents that I was moving in with my GF. My mother in particular wasn't too pleased, but after a couple days to think about it she was really appreciative that I cared enough to call her. She knew that she didn't really have a say in things.
 
thebishop said:
well was the guy a bozo?
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Only met him a couple times but never had a problem with him. He's an officer in the army who is about to get deployed so that might have played into it. The ironic thing is that my cousin is pretty crazy in her own right. Maybe they were trying to save him
 
MysteryMen said:
Only met him a couple times but never had a problem with him. He's an officer in the army who is about to get deployed so that might have played into it. The ironic thing is that my cousin is pretty crazy in her own right. Maybe they were trying to save him
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LOL

I guess I could see that.

I duno why people get so nervous about these conversations btw. I would be freaking excited. I feel like that if I were to marry someone at this point, we would have dated long enough and I would have known her parent well enough that it would be such a formality anyway. I'd take both parents out to dinner or something and address the situation.

Phan has a good story about when he asked phantoy. PhanTOY's dad just said something to the extent of - "don't ask me. ask her" lol
 
My now wife had been engaged to another guy and broke it off about 6 months before we started dating (the guy was short and a state fan- she made the right decision). We started dating and realized pretty early on that this was it. Her folks went to the beach with us over labor day weekend (they lived about 7 hours away). I finally got her dad alone and realized there wouldn't be many other chances to speak with him unless I wanted to haul my ass up to Kentucky at some point later. I said something about how I loved his daughter and thought she loved me, and that I planned on asking her to marry me.

Her dad (who is about 10 inches shorter than me but still certain he could kick my ass), looks at me with dead eyes and says "well, I guess y'all are going to do what you are going to do." And then walks out.

He warmed up to me later, however.
 
thebishop said:
I feel like that if I were to marry someone at this point, we would have dated long enough and I would have known her parent well enough that it would be such a formality anyway.
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This is how it was for me. I knew them well enough at that point that I knew they weren't going to be angry or disapproving. You've got to lay that groundwork, dudes.

Also, I deliberately DID NOT tell either of them exactly when or how I was planning to propose, as I knew there was no way her mom could have possibly kept that a secret, and she likely would have been in a state of full torment if she tried.
 
speaking from the girl's perspective, I personally wouldn't want my mom to know, but would want my dad to be asked or at least given a heads up (super southern/traditional background... it's expected and i know he'd appreciate it). I'd want my mom to be just as surprised by the news as I am, plus I know it would be really hard for her not to tell me about it and ruin the surprise.
 
When I asked my future FIL, he responded, "Well, I don't think she can do any better." I am still not sure that was a compliment.

When my brother-in-law talked to my Dad about marrying my sister, the BIL came to the house wearing a bullet proof vest. My Dad had planned to give him a hard time but was laughing too hard to act mad!
 
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