still funny?
this one's not mine, but i played a part.
i had a friend in high school who was madly in love with this girl who would not give him the time of day. she used him like kleenex. he would do stuff like wash her car on saturday so she could go to the beach with her other people on saturday night, etc....he was ga ga, she just played him.
after high school, he goes into the army. he was a nose tackle in high school. he came home after some training thing and i picked him up at rdu. he was gonna spend the night at my place in raleigh before going home. when he got off the plane, i didn't even recognize him. the army had run his ass to death to the point he looked like a damn body builder. he probably went from over 200 lbs to about 165.
so we go into raleigh and stop for pizza and some beers. low and behold, our waitress in none other than said girl who was going to meredith and working part time. as soon as she saw my buddy, she was all about him all of a sudden. the look on his face was priceless. she asked us to come over to her place a few hours later when she got off work. my boy left that place on cloud nine...he was FINALLY gonna get to the promised land.
so we proceed to do what guys do to kill time; drink a ton of beer and smoke as much dope as we can set fire to. since i am his ride, i've got to drive him and wait this out. we are fucked up as baby monkeys when we get to her place.
when we get there, she has a typical girlly apartment, complete with the adorable crawling infant. the guy was extremely friendly, crawling up to us and hanging out. after a couple of minutes, she and my boy go to "look at something" in her bedroom, leaving stoned trenchfighter on the couch watching the tube.
a few minutes later i hear my boy walking down the hall, then i hear him say to me in an oddly panicked voice, "what can i do with this?"
i roll over and look up to see him holding said adorable baby, with an obvious broken back, in his hands. he said "i got out of bed to turn off the lights and i stepped on her baby." between the look on his face, the dope, the gasping baby, and the situation, i got hysterically tickled. muffling my laughter i told him, go out and throw it in the dumpster quick before she realizes what happened. he agrees and trots out the door.
in the meantime, i am rolling on the floor trying to control my laughter. about that time, girly girl comes out and asks where my boy went. i can't answer her because i'm laughing. she sees the semi-opened door and heads for it. i try to cut her off, knowing my boy hasn't had time to reach the dumpster yet. i fail. she walks out in the landing as i trail behind, trying to get her back inside.
about that time, i see my boy across the parking lot, almost to the dumpster. having hunted all my life with this guy, i know what he's about to do before he does it, but he's too far away for me to stop him. from his back, we see him casually take dying baby by the back legs, clang his head against the dumpster for a coup-de-gras with a "BONG!", and hook shot the now dead baby up and into the top of the dumpster.
i am back on the ground, holding my gut in laughter about the same time girly girl lets out a blood curdling scream of horror. my boy turns around with a look on his face i can still close my eyes and see. it is the horrified look of a man who has seen paradise, but will never enter.
girlygirl kicks at me on her way back into the apartment. i am now laughing loudly to the point i'm almost choking. my boy comes running back up the stairs, just in time to catch all of his stuff flying out the door before she slams it a final time.
he looks down at me and simply says, "damn..."