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Marriage

Perhaps the most uncomfortable moment of my engagement came just one day in. I had told one of my colleagues about the proposal and showed her the ring, and since we work in an open plan female-dominated work place, word spread. One of the older women in the office, whom I am not close to and would not have chosen to share with, approached me to "offer congratulations" and literally grabbed my left hand while demanding "so what does he do?" without even looking at my face. Her disappointment in both my answer and the ring was clear. This is not how we make other women feel positive about their choices, or let them know that it's OK to stray outside the lines.

The dialogue around engagements needs to change. Let's turn "how many karats?" into "how do you feel?" Let's stop thinking about the wedding and start rejoicing in the marriage. Let's wait to be told whether the engagement was about the ring, or the question, or the partner, or the moment.
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regardless of the rest, i think this is pretty spot-on...
my feelings of the ring are this: no, it ultimately doesn't and really shouldn't matter, but unfortunately it does carry weight and can affect your engagement experience. you tell people you're engaged, the first thing people say is "ooh! let's see it!" (or they offer congrats while stealing glances at your left hand). as excited as you might be, if you're at all apprehensive about what other people might think about the ring it can steal some of your thunder because try as we all might to ignore them, the opinions of others matter. it sucks that they do and i wish they didnt, but i think many (NOT all, and i recognize that) girls would agree. that said, even if you truly don't care what others think... if a guy is doing a ring, he should take into account the likes/dislikes of the fiancee so it's something she can know and love as her own. size doesn't matter, but the look of the ring still does.

flame away.
 
myDeaconmyhand said:
Sarcasm aside, that's certainly closer to the truth than considering the wedding to be a dowry gift to the husband. I mean is there any disagreement that the modern wedding is mainly for the bride?

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Yes? The bride might care more about some of the silly things but if you didn't enjoy your wedding or feel like you had a voice in it then that sucks.
 
maybe my experience was just abnormal for whatever reason, but i had VERY few people who asked to see pictures of the ring or see it in person (and they were all the people that you would totally expect it from. the people who have more money than sense and just in general are focused on things like that). nearly everybody wanted to know the story of how he proposed or what our plans were for when/where we would be getting married.

also, i never once had anybody ask how many karats the ring was. is that really a normal question?
 
DeacHoops said:
maybe my experience was just abnormal for whatever reason, but i had VERY few people who asked to see pictures of the ring or see it in person (and they were all the people that you would totally expect it from. the people who have more money than sense and just in general are focused on things like that). nearly everybody wanted to know the story of how he proposed or what our plans were for when/where we would be getting married.

also, i never once had anybody ask how many karats the ring was. is that really a normal question?
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Same. I can only remember one girl asking to see it and it was someone I don't even know that well.
 
DeacHoops said:
maybe my experience was just abnormal for whatever reason, but i had VERY few people who asked to see pictures of the ring or see it in person (and they were all the people that you would totally expect it from. the people who have more money than sense and just in general are focused on things like that). nearly everybody wanted to know the story of how he proposed or what our plans were for when/where we would be getting married.

also, i never once had anybody ask how many karats the ring was. is that really a normal question?
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i've heard it a few times in my office; one woman's two sons both got engaged in the last year, and another woman asked how big the rings were. ...the woman whose sons it was answered, i would have been like 'eff off.' they would be who i'd expect it from, though.
 
lbE08 said:
i've heard it a few times in my office; one woman's two sons both got engaged in the last year, and another woman asked how big the rings were. ...the woman whose sons it was answered, i would have been like 'eff off.' they would be who i'd expect it from, though.
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My wife has had a few people ask her (people you would expect), but we never answer. Ever.
 
TuffaloDeac10 said:
Where's that figure from? Can't trust somebody talking their own book; jewelers would love to present an inaccurate and high average cost.
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Good point, my girlfriend told me the average ring costs $20k. Go figure.
 
TuffaloDeac10 said:
Where's that figure from? Can't trust somebody talking their own book; jewelers would love to present an inaccurate and high average cost.
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i'd also wonder, if it IS from jewelers, do they only use first-time engagement rings? or when older couples get a new engagement ring because they now have more money, etc, do those count too? seems to me those shouldn't be included in the calculation.
 
I pretty much always ask to see the ring along with hearing the story, though often girls will show it off without asking. This is good friends of course, not casual acquaintances. I'd never ask or care how many carats it was, frankly I don't know the first thing about what a carat equates to. I don't think I'd want to wear something that cost $5200 either.

If I ever have a wedding it'll be mostly about the guests, you know in addition to the getting-married part. I'd be really upset if someone thought it was "all about me."
 
DeacHoops said:
i'd also wonder, if it IS from jewelers, do they only use first-time engagement rings? or when older couples get a new engagement ring because they now have more money, etc, do those count too? seems to me those shouldn't be included in the calculation.
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It should only count as first-time because the others aren't really engagement rings, but are new rings to replace the engagement ring.
 
DeacHoops said:
i'd also wonder, if it IS from jewelers, do they only use first-time engagement rings? or when older couples get a new engagement ring because they now have more money, etc, do those count too? seems to me those shouldn't be included in the calculation.
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Isn't that why the DeBeers came up with the two month's salary con?

Was 36 when I got engaged. Glad I could get my wife the ring she deserved...and not cripple myself in the process.
 
RollTheQuad06 said:
I pretty much always ask to see the ring along with hearing the story, though often girls will show it off without asking. This is good friends of course, not casual acquaintances. I'd never ask or care how many carats it was, frankly I don't know the first thing about what a carat equates to. I don't think I'd want to wear something that cost $5200 either.

If I ever have a wedding it'll be mostly about the guests, you know in addition to the getting-married part. I'd be really upset if someone thought it was "all about me."
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i get upset when people tell me it's "my" day. no, no it's not. first of all, if you're going to say something along those lines, at least say that it's "our" day. it is not about ME. it is about US. but even then, i don't really think it's just "our" day. it's our day TO CELEBRATE WITH THOSE WHO MATTER TO US. i believe it IS largely about the guests. if it wasn't about the guests, then i feel like elopement would be a better option.
 
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