Recent content by Jesus Christ

You can't even fathom my IQ, mortal.

Not a personal story, but this guy I know, Noah, claims he used to have a big ass ship and once put two of every animal on Earth onto it. Says the smell was horrific and he spent most of his time hiding in the ship's casino. I've seen much crazier shit, so I tend to believe him. Besides, my dad...

We should probably have a talk.

I like it with Jesus Christ

So now I can't watch basketball with my Dad? Why don't YOU worry about world peace for once, you heathens.

Dad says it just wasn't his time. Apparently he told that to Lebron as well, who communicated it over what was once my favorite mode of handing out enlightened moments. If you guessed Twitter, you're correct.

Died, rose from the dead, then ascended into heaven. I'd tell you how far that is but I'd hate to ruin the surprise.

I gave you full-blown AIDS for being an idiot. Not all AIDS patients are idiots, but I felt it was necessary this time around. See you at your purgatory party, I heard its going to be HOT.

Real Jesus died for your sins and doesn't appreciate this very much

Honestly, I haven't decided yet. I know, 2000 years seems like enough time to make such a decision, but you people are always trying to predict the Apocalypse, and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of it. There's a lot to do in Heaven, and in the grand scheme of things I haven't been here that...

hahahahahahaha NO.

My response? A Coors original. It's the Lord's beer.

whatever. my only step taken was to hit up santa on the SMS. birther should find himself on the "accidentally end up in east winston after missing the exit for kohl's" list this holiday season. i appreciate churchgoers as much as the next deity, but it can't cure idiocy.

that's my dad you've stumbled upon. he created that shit. i hate the outdoors, particularly worms, on account of hmmmmm i was BURIED with them for 3 days. i hung on a wooden cross, you can sit your ass in a wooden pew. i'm going to let it slide this time, because the bible/burger combo was a...

it's cool guys. i only died and resurrected for you. do whatever you want today. no, seriously. i get it. the church is just soooo far away.