How do I get.myself in these situations?
It's 4am, and I'm in Charleston, SC laying awake replaying the trauma of what just happened.
I'm down here with another attorney. We're arguing before the court tomorrow. We drove down together.
Full disclosure, I'd take a bullet for this dude. He's an awesome officemate and a great friend. Super good human being and a great (single) father. Our friendship is valuable to me, for sure.
We've both been working hard. Prepping for this case and the trip down together was great to strengthen our friendship. We had planned on dinner Thursday night, then wake up to polish and prepare the following morning. We're at a super nice hotel downtown.
On the way down, he mentions he's been on bumble talking to a Charleston girl. This guy is a real lost puppy, and he's a great dude. I give him some encouragement and tell him that's awesome. He should take her to dinner tonight and I'll explore the city. He's like, "naw man, I've got reservations for us at Union Church, and you need to come with us."
I'm like, "no, dude. I don't wanna third wheel your vibe." He insists. Then insists again. I'm like, well, ok? In my mind, I'm thinking this is a horrible idea, but he's really confident that it's going to be this friendly vibe because she's a fun lady.
Then he says we should eat at Fig instead of Union Church. He's driving, so I call to get a table at Fig. No dice, but I call Husk and they are going to put together a.table for us. I wanted to eat there anyway, so now I'm stoked. I call and cancel the reservations at Union Church.
We get to Charleston with an hour to spare, I take a shower, etc. It's like a five minute walk to Husk. He texts me to meet them at the hotel rooftop bar.
I get up there, get a drink and meet them at the bar. She's a.lovely older lady (I'm like 15 years younger than both these people), but when she sees me I can tell she's surprised I'm there. I'm immediately thinking, "what. the. fuck."
It's their first date. Like, straight up, my well-meaning, perfectly naieve, buddy has created a nuclear bomb of awkwardness and put the three of us directly under it. He's been talking me up as a wingman, without there being any need for me to be there.
I start back peddling immediately. Like, "hey, I'm just going to stick with you guys for one drink and then get on my way." She thinks that is a great idea, but my buddy is like, "no way, you have gotta stay and have dinner." He's working overtime to make this a cool group thing, but she's in a first-date skirt.
To make matters more awkward, he's like, "hey, let's just chill here and have another drink. Call Husk and cancel the reservation. We'll just keep it loose." So I do, and we do.
The poor woman keeps oscillating between, "I should go, I don't want to interrupt what the two of you have going on" and, "I need to ask polite questions, and then get the fuck out of here." She and I are of an accord, but we're trapped in this high-gravity awkwardness black hole of togetherness that Buddy is preaching.
Finally, after drink three, she's like, "alright, I'm leaving." Buddy does his typical wounded puppy deal and convinces her to stay. I suggest they get dinner. Buddy says, "yeah, find us a place to eat." Completely missing the 1,000th graceful out I've laid at his feet.
We walk down the street to find a place to eat and I'm ten feet behind texting whoever I can to emergency call me out of this nightmare. In my 40s and married for nearly two decades, my emergency exit strategy call-pool was rusty.
Finally, wife answers one of my texts after she had successfully put down our kids. I try to explain the situation, but wife thinks there's a legit emergency. She calls and is like, "are you hurt?" I excuse myself from the table and go out to have the obligatory quick phone call.
At that point, I'm just like, "gotta rip the band-aid off." Still on the phone, I go in and make some lame excuse about it being story time and the kids won't go to bed without a FaceTime. Handshake. Good bye. Great meeting you.
Buddy is confused. I just high tail it. Over the next hour, I get several texts from buddy asking if I still want to order, or if everything is ok.
I can't get over how bad this poor woman was ambushed. My well-meaning, goofball buddy just wasn't getting it. She was looking for smash-town, and he was stuck in friendship land. I don't think I've ever seen someone cockblock themselves so earnestly and repeatedly.
