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Men who have cheated

PhillyDeac said:
And Chic,

I don't think anyone is saying technically you 'aren't feeling it', I'm just saying that there will be times, like I said above, when the lust/desire/love is not going to be the forefront of your thoughts when around your husband. Again, doesn't mean those feelings aren't there, it just means that some typical stresses are getting in the way, and I'm sure we have all had days when we don't feel like talking/interacting with anyone and just want to be left alone. If you haven't had it yet, you absolutely will, but it doesn't need to be a negative. And, at the end of the day, anyone who has ever asked me about Marriage advice (and I am no expert), I tell them to make sure, at the end of the day, you are with someone you simply get along with. So when the times are tough, you can at least have a meal together, even when you aren't in the mood to rip each others clothes off... : )
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I guess it's just difficult for me to imagine either of us wanting to give up or need to be pulled through, and maybe I will go through that, but I think it's possible we won't. I wasn't reading it in terms of solely being about ripping each other's clothes off or lust being at the forefront, I absolutely can understand life getting in the way of that but I don't see that every marriage (or even a great majority of marriages comes to a point when you want out and need to push through because of your vows, maybe it's a hindsight is 20/20 thing?
 
I once had a girlfriend but it turned out that she was just waving to the person behind me. Does that count as cheating? IT DOES RIGHT? WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!
 
cookoutdeac said:
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Follow up question..

If your boy was cheating, and you knew, would you call him out? Seems like guys are too chicken shit to stand up to guy friends...thus the cycle just keeps going.
 
DoubleOrNothing said:
Follow up question..

If your boy was cheating, and you knew, would you call him out? Seems like guys are too chicken shit to stand up to guy friends...thus the cycle just keeps going.
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I've told friends that what they are doing is fucked up and they shouldn't do it before, but I've never ratted them out to their girls.

It's his choice, but once he starts bragging about it to me I'm going to check him. But I won't throw him under the bus and then feed him to the dogs.
 
Philly, is this what you're trying to say?

PhDeac said:
I'm assuming by "not feeling it" she's talking about a general malaise due to outside stressors that make it difficult to focus on the relationship. If she's saying, "not feeling each other", that's crap.
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To me, that is completely different than not being into each other. On those days that we're too exhausted to talk, some strange wouldn't make things any better.

deacvision7 said:
I've told friends that what they are doing is fucked up and they shouldn't do it before, but I've never ratted them out to their girls.

It's his choice, but once he starts bragging about it to me I'm going to check him. But I won't throw him under the bus and then feed him to the dogs.
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This. I have a friend who cheated on his girlfriend the whole time I knew him. They finally broke up after over 10 years together. It wasn't my place to her. It was long distance for years before I even met him. They ended up living together for several years after they finished school. They had a co-dependent relationship that "worked" for them. She had to know. She met several of the girls he cheated with when she visited. The girls he cheated with knew he had a girlfriend.

I told him several times he needed to break it off. He didn't until recently. Didn't mean we should stop being friends.

In general, you can't treat people by how they treat others and expect to keep friends. Your friends will mistreat others at times. You can't just break off friendships when they beef with other people.
 
PhDeac said:
Philly, is this what you're trying to say?



To me, that is completely different than not being into each other. On those days that we're too exhausted to talk, some strange wouldn't make things any better.



This. I have a friend who cheated on his girlfriend the whole time I knew him. They finally broke up after over 10 years together. It wasn't my place to her. It was long distance for years before I even met him. They ended up living together for several years after they finished school. They had a co-dependent relationship that "worked" for them. She had to know. She met several of the girls he cheated with when she visited. The girls he cheated with knew he had a girlfriend.

I told him several times he needed to break it off. He didn't until recently. Didn't mean we should stop being friends.

In general, you can't treat people by how they treat others and expect to keep friends. Your friends will mistreat others at times. You can't just break off friendships when they beef with other people.
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Why does calling them out break off friendships? To me a true friend is one who is going to hold you accountable to your behavior. I've had friends call me out on stuff before and I got mad at first probably but in the end, I appreciate what they were doing. I've called more friends out on stuff than not probably and I've been right every time. Sitting back like a little coward doesn't seem like a genuine friend to me. Im not saying Im mean about it...but if I feel like something is wrong, I am going to find a way to tell them int he best way possible. I am also a girl and I feel like we do this more than guys do this but still..
 
well then you like drama. no chance i would call out a friend for cheating TO HIS GIRL. Give him shit? absolutely (unless she's awful), but no way i go behind his back.
 
What does "call him out" mean to you, DoN?

If it's just expressing your disapproval with your friend's actions then there are no consequences, but it's not likely that the behavior will stop.

If it means going to the girl, then that's going to have an effect and cost a friendship.

If it means taking a moral stance and ending the friendship, then that could have effect and would definitely cost a friendship.

I think most guys here would tell their friend they're wrong, but what do you expect that to do? People who cheat typically know they're in the wrong but they do it anyway.

"Hey man, that's messed up what you're doing to Sally."
"Yeah, I know."
 
DoubleOrNothing said:
Why does calling them out break off friendships? To me a true friend is one who is going to hold you accountable to your behavior. I've had friends call me out on stuff before and I got mad at first probably but in the end, I appreciate what they were doing. I've called more friends out on stuff than not probably and I've been right every time. Sitting back like a little coward doesn't seem like a genuine friend to me. Im not saying Im mean about it...but if I feel like something is wrong, I am going to find a way to tell them int he best way possible. I am also a girl and I feel like we do this more than guys do this but still..
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Family tradition.
 
It is very difficult to offer advice, especially unsolicited advice, to people, even close friends, in issues of emotion, self-esteem and their partner. These issues are best left to the people immediately involved, and it's difficult to come out well even if you gave good advice and meant well. I am not sure why this is so but it appears to be true.
 
PhDeac said:
Philly, is this what you're trying to say?



To me, that is completely different than not being into each other. On those days that we're too exhausted to talk, some strange wouldn't make things any better.



This. I have a friend who cheated on his girlfriend the whole time I knew him. They finally broke up after over 10 years together. It wasn't my place to her. It was long distance for years before I even met him. They ended up living together for several years after they finished school. They had a co-dependent relationship that "worked" for them. She had to know. She met several of the girls he cheated with when she visited. The girls he cheated with knew he had a girlfriend.

I told him several times he needed to break it off. He didn't until recently. Didn't mean we should stop being friends.

In general, you can't treat people by how they treat others and expect to keep friends. Your friends will mistreat others at times. You can't just break off friendships when they beef with other people.
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Pretty much, yes. Chic, I'm not trying to dis-spirit you, but the terms like '7 year itch' aren't popular simply because a couple people became uncomfortable in their relationship. I'm not sure how old you are (iirc, you are young)....and no, I am not old either, I'm 34 so please, I'm not trying to act like I'm all knowing. What I do know is that I met my wife when I was 23. I am very different person now than when we met. I think a lot of relationships fail because they can't adjust to the changes. If you are young, you are going to change. Your husband is going to change. It's a fact. However, it doesn't mean you will change for negative. I know a lot of the changes that I've gone through have been for the better. But some people/couples don't adjust to the change well. That's really all I'm saying. You will go through changes, and probably begin to question decisions you have made in life...not that you will question if marrying your husband was the right move, but question life in general. And at that point, you will most likely take on the point that PH has brought up. Again, this thread is kinda taking a turn into a different thread... Cheating is involved when people don't adjust to the change well, and struggle to find a positive/productive way to work through it.
 
This thread has taken a turn for the depressing.
 
qcdeac said:
By being that blatant, I would think he wanted to get caught/break it up with you. Dickish move on his part. Curious as to what his lie was to be away for 5 days over NYE (bachelor party, bowl game with high school buddy who is a XXX grad, etc.)

What did you do wrong to make him do that? Just kidding. That sucks.
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howd you catch him? what was his lie?
 
Not the old board, but the board before that incarnation, was a guy not looking for bball tickets to take a girl to the game and it turned out that girl was not his girlfriend who also read the boards? That's my favorite cheating story.
 
If nothing else, at least 40% of marriages end in divorce, so there's a large population that we know weren't "into each other" or whatever term we're using. The number can only go up from there, as there are plenty of people still married who probably weren't into each other at one point or another during their marriage and stuck it out anyway for various reasons (obligation, love, family, religious beliefs, money, etc).
 
Yeah if you tell the guy/girl that's being cheated on you have to value your friendship with that person way more than the person doing the cheating. You aren't gonna tell some girl your friend is dating when the only way you know her is because they are dating.
 
ITK said:
Not the old board, but the board before that incarnation, was a guy not looking for bball tickets to take a girl to the game and it turned out that girl was not his girlfriend who also read the boards? That's my favorite cheating story.
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Garnet Girl.

Ah, those were the days.
 
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